Six months on

(12th May 2001)

This "essay" is a follow up from the "Outing myself" essay I wrote 6 months ago. It has now been six months since my original Usenet posting, outing myself... and life has been interesting! If you haven't read the original essay, then you can find a copy of it on the members area of subDOMinion ("lifestyles") or on my own web site ("writings").

In general, life has followed the plan I'd set out. After coming out I wanted to be known as a serious, honest, open person. I wanted people to like me, learn to trust me and eventually I hoped to be invited to some private parties, where I may have got to play, scratch my itch... and maybe perhaps meet someone to form a relationship with.

Well, some of that worked out... I believe I am now respected in some area of the community. I have been made a channel operator of #submissionUK on DALnet. When the Webmistress of subDOMinion was unable to keep the site running any longer, I was asked to take it over. Amazing. That's not to say I'm universally liked; I quit another channel (#london_based_BDSM on bondage.com) because I had too many issues with the way the group leaders were acting, and probably have left a bad opinion of myself there because I was loud and expressive about it... oh well. But in general, I think that side went well.

However, I never did get invited to a party... partly because such parties are few and far between (people seem to want to go to clubs more, and clubs aren't my favourite venue) but also because another event happened which made that point moot.

In the original essay I wrote:

"One of these was a woman from New York who gave part of her own life story back. Through the conversations we've had in email now this woman has become a very good friend and made me much happier with myself."

In January there was a Sci Fi convention (Arisia) in Boston, MA, so I bullied my work to sending me to the New York office for a week at the same time, and paid the extra myself to go to Boston first. There I met this wonderful lady for the first time, and also got my first idea of what it was like to be the bottom in a scene. We had performed some scenes over the internet before, and I had performed actions at home on myself to her instructions, but this was the first interactive time. I was scared shitless... more that I would disappoint her, rather than I wouldn't enjoy it. Happily (and as everyone else had told me) we both enjoyed ourselves a lot, and had a great time.

In New York, afterwards, we continued to see each other almost daily, and the next weekend I spent at her house. She offered and I accepted her collar; we had a commitment to each other. I learnt something about myself that I didn't expect... not only was I a bottom... but I was a submissive as well; I got a lot of pleasure out of following orders, out of attempting to please her. Maybe this was my love talking, but I think that love was amplified by submissive feelings.

After returning home, our email correspendence and IRC chatting continued... and it came to a head. I had been allowed to call her Mistress, but when I came to describe myself as slave... I couldn't. I had a mental block... and ended up describing myself as her humble servant. This required some serious thinking on my behalf, and I eventually realised I had the block because I didn't consider myself worthy... the few people I've met who consider themselves slaves were so much better and deserving than me that I felt it demeaned them to include myself in that category. I learnt, though, that each person means a different thing when they use words. Further, I realised that I was a slave to Mistress in all but word.

I happily and proudly accepted the term slave to be applied to myself.

Somewhere around here I started writing poetry... don't ask. I had emotions and feelings that couldn't be expressed simply, and I got into poetry after reading some stuff on SubVerse. My poems aren't necessarily good, or clever... but they expressed something that needed expressing.

Another Sci Fi convention (Lunacon) approached, in New York, and I arranged a holiday for this; no work this time. Before that came around though, two important things happened...

Firstly, I decided I could not live like this; I could not live 3500 miles away from the person I loved, from my Mistress, from the most important thing in my life. I asked work if they could arrange a transfer for me from London to New York, and simply told them I would quit if they couldn't. No threats or demands... a request that they help me and one I was serious about. Fortunately they think I'm good at my job and wanted to keep me, so they are now in the process of arranging a work visa for me. All good stuff!

Secondly... Mistress had always wanted her boyfriends to have their ear pierced. They had all refused, and so originally had I (it was a limit to me). But I screwed up my courage and on IRC offered to allow myself to be pierced for her. It turns out that she had been thinking along similar lines, and was going to ask me again at Lunacon if I wanted to have my ear pierced. My offer had pleased her a lot!

Lunacon came and went, I got my ear pierced, and then a momentus occaision... Mistress and I exchanged vows; she is now my owner and I am her possession. To mark this event I produced a folder which contained our pledges, a certificate of ownership, my poems and the original essay. I presented this to her before we made our vows... I became emotional and said the end of my vows through tears. Mistress has since been to London where she bought me a "Story of O" ring which lives on my ring finger.

Umm, so much has happened in 6 months! I've gone from being a timid frightened newbie bondage bottom to being a fully owned slave. I have found love. I am in the middle of the process of moving to New York to be closer to the person I love and who owns me. And I'm not sure how I got from there to here! Who knows what the next six months will hold!

References:

My web site	Contains all my poems, stories, essays, public scene reports and other stuff.
subDOMinion	A useful website... I now run it so I have to say that, really :-)
SubVerse	The SubVerse site which first got be interested in writing poetry.