Original Usenet Posting

From: Stephen Harris (sweh@spuddy.mew.co.uk)
Subject: asr.personal 
Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery
Date: 2000/11/10 


WARNING: If you are a bigotted bastard in any way, then you may not wish
to read this post.   I doubt if any monks here fall into this category,
but it's fair warning...


OK... this is a difficult post.  For two reasons.  1) avoiding the TTSNBN
and 2) an "outing".

Umm.  I'm going to force myself to type here, so this posting won't be up
to my normal standards, but is going to be more "stream of consiousness".
There MAY be some editing, but I doubt it...  if I get to the stage of
editing the document, I'll probably not post it :-)  I've not "no-archived"
this because I want the decision to post to be final...

Ummm.  Yeah.  Umm.  OK, the "outing".  Yup, I'm outing myself.  "Hi, my
name is Stephen and I'm a pervert".  Heh :-)  Sounds silly that way.  That's
good... silly...  right.

Damn, I'm not getting to the point.  OK...  bondage.  Yup, that's it.  I'm
outing myself as a bondage freak.  I've been reading a few FAQ's and I guess
the term for me is a "bottom".  A 32 year old overweight computer geek
bottom.

Oh well, that's said it.  Better elucidate.  In real life I'm a bit of a
control freak.  Maybe that's why I'm a Sysadmin.  I have everything under
control, from the moment I wake up, through work to the moment I sleep.
I hate it when things don't go to plan, and I normally work out confrontontial
situations in advance, working on possible responses and arguements well before
the actual event (so much so that I've been accused of being aggressive,
simply because I've answered arguments before they're fully stated).

I guess that's why bondage gives me a turn on... the relinquishing of control
to someone else.  It's hard to do, and it's a very powerful release when I do.
Bondage is the physical expression of the relinquishing of control.

OK... now why out myself here in the monastry of all places?  (ah shit, almost
cancelled this post... forcing myself to continue).

Why here?   Because I consider a number of you as "friends".  No, I've never
met most of you.  Yes, I've had arguments with some of you.  BUT...  I
consider you people as some of the most open minded people around.  If anyone
is going to understand what I'm feeling at the moment then a number of you
here will.

Ah shit.. that sounds "cuddly feely".  Such statements sound better on
alt.callahans than in the Scary Devil Monastry.  But fsck it, I consider
that newsgroup to be full of self sanctimonious people more interested in
shouting their tolerance than actually listening.  I get the feeling that
opinions stated here are more honest ("like it or lump it") than elsewhere
and I respect that.

Umm...  I guess I haven't answered why I'm posting...I need help.  It's
recovery help, so it's on-charter :-)

I'm a 32 year computer geek.  I **think** I'm bi- but with a hetero
bias.  I've had gay sex (no penetration) and really really enjoyed it.
I've never had hetero sex, but most (not all!) of my fantasies involve
women.   I really enjoy being tied up.  So much so that I've bought many
toys (hand cuffs, ankle cuffs, masks, gags etc) but I've been mostly playing
with myself  (yikes, "Clover" nipple clamps are painful!).

Shit, I still haven't said why I'm posting.   Maybe it's obvious by now.
I need help and guidance.  I'm a standalone bondage freak, but bondage
doesn't work very well on ones own!  Tricks like freezing the key into
an ice cube only get one so far.  Being captive (with the fantasy of no
escape) is only half the release of bondage... trusting someone else (no
escape without them, relinquishing control of your body to them) is the
other (more powerful) half.   Can anyone in the London area help me out?

To avoid this thread delving into the TTSNBN, emailed responses are
probably better.  I can't guarantee to respond to posts here, but I'll
try...

Ah shit...  to post or not to post.  4 keys (escape z n return) needed to
commit this...  fuck, writing this was painful, but liberating.  Post...
(ah, and don't "rm" the file before batching makes it leave my system...)

Damn, I know my friend would say not to post and he'll help me out... but
I don't want to impose on him...