One year on

(7th November 2001)

This "essay" is the third in a series, being written at six month intervals. The first article was called "Outing myself" and described how I went about entering the scene, and the second was called "Six months on" and described how my life had changed since outing myself. All of these essages can be found in the members area of subDOMinion ("lifestyles") or on my own web site ("writings").

So what has happened these past six months... well, the biggest event has to have been moving to New York to be closer to Tori. I now live in Brooklyn and work on Wall Street. Same job as before, just different location. It can be useful working for a multinational and being good enough that they want to keep you!

A small misadventure was breaking my leg. Yeah. That was clever of me. My brother had his first kid, and while celebrating with him I got so drunk that I fell over and broke my leg. This actually put back my moving to New York by a month and that annoyed me a lot because it meant being away from my Mistress for longer. The leg still twinges now but I'm getting better. However, I know what it's like to have a limb immobilised in plaster. It's not a kink now, that's for sure! I ruined my collar at the same time and that annoyed me even more. I was scared that Tori wouldn't want to replace it; that I had shown I could not look after her property; that I was not worth being her slave. When I did move her and she replaced it... that was a big weight off my mind!

Of course, now being in New York means I'm rarely on IRC at the same time as people back in England and so I've resigned Channel Ops on #submissionUK. I'm only on now once or twice a month, really. I also learned that having something in common doesn't stop friends arguing and breaking up. Two groups of pervy friends of mine had a break up over that IRC channel, resulting in a new channel #British-BDSM-Passions starting up. I tend to hang there now on the rare occaisions I do pop onto IRC. A timely reminder: perverts are people as well.

I almost got into trouble at work; after discussion with my boss I was told I could wear my collar to work. Great! I like wearing my collar, and being able to wear it at work was wonderful. A month later though my bosses bosses boss made an edict that "dog collars are not allowed". Oh well. I made it clear through the chain of command that I had asked permission, and it seems to have blown over now. I still wear the collar on the subway, but take it off when I get to my desk. A lesson: just because I'm happy with being out doesn't mean everyone around me is.

An interesting development in my relationship with Tori is that she has encouraged me to become a switch. Well, not as such, but she has encouraged me to top her, and this has grown. It all started with a game of Backgammon. I won a large number of spanks. Seeing her writhe under my hand, screaming and drooling... that was an unexpected wow! It's grown so that now if Tori and I ever wrestle then when I win I get to top her. Last time I actually had her tied up and used a flogger on her; something I never imagined I would. Of course, I'm still her slave. Topping in an S&M scene doesn't detract from my submission to her in D/s. At all times I am her willing slave. A year ago I was scared about my internal feelings of wanting to be tied up. Now I'm happy being tied or tieing.

Not that it's always been plain sailing. We've argued once or twice. I've really had trouble accepting Tori's love. I really didn't believe I was worthy of it. I was scared that she'd realise I wasn't a nice person and would want to leave me. This is really a self-worth issue, and if not careful can be self-fulfilling. I was so scared I would make a mistake and screw up the relationship that I almost did... by being scared of making a mistake! Tori, though, showed so much patience and love. One lunchtime we spent an hour just sitting and cuddling, while I cried into her shoulder. Is it any wonder that I love her so much?

Since moving to New York my time has been so busy that I've not really had time to write much poetry or fantasies. SubVerse held a poetry competition and I submitted The Worst Pervy Nursery Rhymes In The World...Ever! and won the worst poetry award but I wrote that back in April. While still in plaster I wrote some small fantasies. But really, that's it! I want to write some more poetry, but really my mind hasn't settled down enough to let it be expressed.

I guess these past months have really be a consilidation of my status as Tori's slave. Moving to New York and settling down has taken a lot of time and effort. However when I look back I am so much happier now than a year ago that I am so glad I had the guts to come out initially, and even happier that Tori spent some time and took on a stranger. My mother was over last weekend and afterwards she said the difference in me was noticeable. This is my first love as well as my first BDSM relationship and I've probably been more than a little exuberant about it... and annoyed a few people with my incessant demonstrations of love. Ah well. I do love Tori and I want the world to know. She is my Mistress, my owner... and my love.

References:

My web site	Contains all my poems, stories, essays, public scene reports and other stuff.
subDOMinion	A useful website... I now run it so I have to say that, really :-)
SubVerse	The SubVerse site which first got be interested in writing poetry.