Frustration

Last night Tori and I watched some TV then started playing around (silly wrestling, stuff like that). Eventually Tori grabbed me by the hair, dragged me into the bedroom and started paddling me with the new paddle; it's furry on one side (nice, relaxing) and leather on the other (horrible, stingy) and after a bit of this I was beginning to turn passive. She ordered me to stay there while she found my collar and locked it on me, then we cuddled for a while.

A little later she started to do other stuff to me which zones me out quite a lot (a lot of sensation!), then we cuddled more, then she gave me a couple of playful swats... and at that point I went non verbal. I also wanted to be hurt, to have pain, to be brought to tears. And I couldn't communicate that to her! Even if I was verbal, I was in the mind space where I couldn't _ask_ for action. I needed it to be on her initiative. I don't understand why, but that's where I was. Maybe the non-verbal aspect was part of this; I couldn't ask!

I stared at her with longing, trying through sheer will power to broadcast the thought shouting in my head "HURT ME!", but she never got the message, misinterpreted it, misunderstood. In frustration I tried to get her to understand, twisting in her arms so my arse was closer to her, forcing her hand to dig into me, pleading with my eyes... nothing. Tried to annoy her into action; nipped her arm, her breast... this had the opposite effect, causing her to be concerned (last time I went feral was when I'd lost control completely) and she pulled back, scared for me.

I gave up and cried into her arms. That crying took me out of the "need pain" headspace, but it was still another half hour before I became verbal again. It might have been quicker if we did something to distract me, but we lay there cuddling, Tori showing how much she loved me, was concerned for me....

First word out of my mouth... "Sorry!"