Sanity, self control, anger and hatred

A week or so back, Tori had me dressed in my PVC catsuit. I thought I was in for a bondage type evening, and this was re-inforced when Tori stretched me out on her bed and locked me to the corner restraints. Nice and stretched out... Then she blindfolded me... and then unzipped the front of the catsuit so my chest was partially exposed.

I was expected perhaps nipple clamps, but this isn't what happened. Well, not quite. Tori wandered off and left me along for a while. Nice :-) But then she returned. Through the blindfold I saw a vague flickering and guessed a candle. But I didn't believe she would do wax because of the closeness of the catsuit. Was I wrong.

Wax. Hurt. She's used this candle on me before; it's meant to be a low-heat candle, but dammit it still hurts. Tori _did_ use the nipple clamps. And more wax and the Wartenberg wheel. She ripped off the nipple clamps so they hurt, not the tenderness I normally get.

I couldn't see her face, I could hardly hear her breathing, but it felt like I had annoyed her and she was fed up and was taking it out on me, and every time I screamed she was more annoyed. And she carried on and she didn't stop and I screamed and struggled and whimpered no more and she continued...

More wax. More wartenberg. Physically I was thrashing and whimpering and crying and screaming. I heard voices outside and guessed the windows were open, yet Tori continued on.

Wax... pain, wartenberg... unhandable sensation. More thrashing and screaming.

I didn't safeword. Yes it hurt, yes I hated it, but I also knew Tori could see that in my reactions. I knew it wasn't causing me permanent damage. I trusted that Tori would stop if she found any. I knew I could take more. Part of what it means to me, being Tori's slave, is that I won't safeword just because it hurt. Only if I felt I couldn't take any more. I thought this in one of the slower sections. I was aware of what was happening. If I had annoyed Tori or she was taking her frustrations out on me, or whether she was simply enjoying herself, I could not tell. It didn't matter. I was there for her to use as she wished.

After some period of time of this (I have no concept of time here) an image came to mind. A tiger chained and caged; being tormented at a distance (spears?); attempting to strike back... an image of the tiger rushing to attack his tormentors and being pulled up by the chain, being unable to reach that which was tormenting him, of his anger and frustration growing... and suddenly that was _me_.

I had to strike back, I had to get away, I had to get rid of the torment. I started snarling and thrashing and struggling to break free. When I felt Tori approach me I tried to reach her, to bite her, to hurt her. To teach her that a tiger is not to be trifled with even when chained.

My brain was split at that point... part of me wanted to smile, part of me wanted to snarl, rip, tear, bite. I wasn't totally sane. I definitely had no self control. I was sheer anger. I needed escape NOW. If I could have got free then I would have hurt anyone in my way. Yes, I would have hurt Tori.

Then, through it all, I heard Tori sob. And immediately the tiger fled. Fuck, I'd gone to far, I've caused Tori to be scared, I've screwed up. Crap. Tears. She started to release me. More tears. I feared that my anger ruined the scene. That my loss of control had scared Tori and made her afraid and unhappy. Arsehole. Crying into her shoulder "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry".

We cuddle and kiss and show that we love each other; that we care for each other.

Later, we talk about it. My fears of having disappointed Tori were unfounded; instead she was in a different frame of mind... more analytical then emotional. This may have been what I felt... the lack of connection that I normally feel in a scene with her. It was different. Unsettling. Interesting! This put a whole different context on the scene than had been present previously. I really didn't know what was going to happen!

One thing that Tori mentioned was that she was scared to take off the blindfold; she was afraid that she'd see hatred in my eyes.. thinking about it... I don't know... did I hate Tori at that point? At the instant I lost control and became an animal? I don't know. It scares me that I might have done. Just for one fraction of a second I might have hated Tori. Fuck. Only for a fraction, sure, but even so... It scares me that I wasn't myself and that I would have hurt Tori if I could have. I tried to!

I'm still coming to terms with the results of this scene; I'm still trying to comprehend what I became. And yet... and yet... I want more. The freedom to scream and rage and be that unthinking beast was strangely liberating. I hated it. I hated the pain, the torment, the frustration. I fear that I'll hurt Tori.

Damn, I so want her to be happy tormenting me, but every time she does then my reactions scare her and make her unhappy. I'm scared that my desires and reactions will cause Tori to fear her own actions, and this will drive her away.

This scene report doesn't have the closure most of mine normally have. I don't know the end of the story. I don't know what the future holds.