Punishment

I can't think straight, I can't concentrate on work. I've sat on the toilet, thinking. I've gone to the coffee machine. I've got a bar of chocolate. Anything to try and distract myself from what is to come. Anything so that I don't have to sit in front of my terminal, wibbling, remembering my crime, knowing I've disappointed you.

What did I do? You granted me access to read one of your files, and I abused that access to read things I should not have done. Private files. Naturally, I confessed to these crimes. Not because I thought you would catch me, but because I knew I was doing wrong. I sent you an email detailing my actions and (it pains me to admit it) tried to excuse my behaviour. Lowly, unworthy, trying to escape any retribution.

I arrive at work and distract myself, knowing you will not get to read my confession until lunch time (if you read it at home) if not later (when you get into work). The hazzards of a 5 hour timezone difference! I still check my mailbox regularly, as if by checking it, it will speed up the time, cause you to wake up, make the response come back somehow quicker...

I get back from lunch and find your reply. I don't sense any hostility or anger in your email; more a sense of sadness that I fell for temptation. And a threat of discipline to come.

So here I am at work, knowing you will have got to your desk, read my plea and possibly planned a reply. I'm sitting here, worried about what form this discipline will take. I keep rechecking the mailbox, I send you other emails (as I always do), I time waste. I write this document!

Then I have to wonder... is this not knowing part of the punishment? This feeling that I know I've disappointed you, but not yet being able to make an act of atonement? Am I suffering part of my punishment now?