Musings on Slavery
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Musings on Slavery |
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Me a slave
What is slavery?
{sweh}S ???
Special thanks to:
Submission as a gift
Partnerships
Horny Net Geeks
Pokemon!
24/7 and communication
Jumping from collaring to collaring
Sure, I enjoy the feeling of being tied up... I've been doing it to myself for decades! I originally came looking for a person with whom I could be an equal, and who I could trust enough to allow them to tie me up helpless. Oh wow.. even now that's my major kink... just being tied up. It's a background pleasure to other stuff.
When I met Tori, I realised something else... I desired to please her as well! No longer a bottom, I realised I had submissive tendencies and would willing allow myself to be used for her pleasure. I so much enjoy the look of happiness on her face after I've done something to please her... I want to see that look all the time! I will do things and allow her to do things to me, just in order to see that smile.
After a mistake I realised that not only did I want to please Tori, I only wanted and needed her. Astounding... I'd gone from a scared unsure bondage bottom to being a happily owned slave...
Wow... when Tori smiles her predatory smile, and gets that hungry gleam in her eye.... my guts tighten, my cock hardens, and I feel so happy and secure and wanted...
When I was learning this stuff, I chatted a lot with {darkslave}R and scotslave{O} about what the difference was between bottoming, submission and slavery... I respect these people a LOT and owe them a lot for my current happiness.
For me, being a slave to Tori is an intense feeling. Knowing that someone loves me enough to want to own me is amazing... But that's not the whole of it. I so much want to please her. I dunno... it's so hard to put into words what this means. Nngghh... I have given my heart and soul to Tori... for her safe keeping, to keep and control as she wishes. I desire nothing more than to please Tori in whatever way I can.
Tori similarly uses Serinde{s} to show that she has a collared sub - the "s" being my initial.
This isn't the only way of doing it... there are many different IRC conventions. {darkslave}R and {missy}R both have their name in the same way as mine (indeed, I chose that format because of them and how much I respect them), but their Master Rossko has no adornments to his nickname.
scotslave{O} uses an alternate method of online collaring. Here he shows he is collared by O - Ophelia. Get's confusing, so in general nicknames which start with a lower case letter are for submissives, and those starting with a capital are Dominant. It works out :-)
Ophelia and scotslave{O}... another great pair with many many years of knowledge behind them, and the willingness to spend time talking to neophytes such as me. scotslave{O}, in particular, spent a lot of time in emails conversing with me about BDSM, and while I don't always agree with him (remember, EPID - Every Person Is Different!), he gave me a lot to think about, and helped me work out some internal issues I had.
I'd like to think of all these people as friends, and hope they think of me in the same way!
Tori... well, of course! She took a person who she didn't know, responded to his plea for help on Usenet, was willing to spend a lot of time in email answering and discussing stuff... to becoming my Mistress. Wow... I can't express how much I love her, and desire her.
My act of submission to Tori allows her to take whatever she wants from me. I offer it all freely. In return I trust and expect her to keep me safe and be considerate of my feelings and position, and to listen to me if I raise a question regarding her orders (eg wearing my collar at work could get me fired and thus deported from the US, which does neither of us any good... despite both of us wanting me to wear the collar!)
The name of the IC website is, IMHO, a very good name: Informed Consent. (I actually prefer this to Safe,Sane,Consenual). You can only take what is offered; that is the whole point of consensuality. This is not to say that you can't push and push and take more than the submissive thought they were ever willing to give, but if you ever cross the line and take that which is not given then you are into abuse territory.
My Mistress knows that my submission to her is a gift; one she cherishes. In return I know her desire to dominate me is also a gift. We offer each other these gifts willing, happily, lovingly. They are expressions of our love for each other.
I think at times my Tori is surprised as to how much I willingly and happily do for her. I will go out of my way to do things for her, make her life easier, follow her wishes. Rarely does she need to order me (outside of a scene "eg get undressed") to do things; merely make a request of me and I happily perform it. Yes, I even vacuum her house, peel potates, wash the dishes...
I don't want someone to be ruthless with me. I want someone to love me, to accept my love; someone I can make happy. I've been lucky to find that person. Yes, she may well love me even if I didn't do these things for her, but that happy smile on her face, the cuddle and the "Thank you lovey" I get when I do something to please her... it's a great feeling!
However, I do also understand EPID: Every Person Is Different. In some D/s relationships a ruthless partner is what the submissive wants. The submissive wants to be used and discarded. I personally can't see this as a way of living 24x7 but for short term scenes or as a secondary relationship outside of the main loving relationship I can see it working. I'm hardly going to condem anyone who wants this. It's just not for me.
There is no "One True Way" (OTW) and I've found many people in the scene tend to distance themselves from people who advocate OTWism. The munches I've been to don't seem to attract OTW advocates. They are fun affairs to chat and drink with like minded people.
My question is: This class of "online renegade 'let me please you' sub" -- who are these guys, and where do they fit into our scene?I like analysing things, including myself, so I wrote a response....
First some waffle preamble...
OK, in this I'm going to do something I hate; I'm going to use labels. In a lot of my postings (newsgroups, mailing lists, web site wibblings) I go on a lot about acceptance and every person is different and no one true way and the rest. I try to be open minded and accept others. In doing so I try to avoid labels because they are either misinterpreted or channel thinking. However, I'm not sure I can discuss this question without labels. Please, dear reader, realise I'm not being judgemental when I use labels here!
Remember also, this is just IMHO. Others (more experienced) than me may see the scene in a different way. I've been part of various online communities for 14 years, but only part of the D/s scene for 1 year. Add a pinch of salt to taste ;-)
Now to the question...
I'm interested in the use of the word 'renegade' here. It implies that they are not true (label!) submissives. In a large number of cases this may well be true! However, isn't it more saying that they just don't meet _your_ criteria for being a submissive?
Now it's also very true that I don't consider the sort of people you described as submissives. They may merely want the fantasy of being dominated, without the annoyances and difficulties that actually make submission worth while. I'm sure they would happily lick your boots or sniff your panties or gag themselves for you; the form without the emotion. You've probably met a lot more of these type of people than I ever will and so probably have a better idea of what they would do.
Sure, some of them may just be immature people with adolescant fantasies of a 6'6" muscular woman dressed in shiny PVC wielding a crop and demanding a craven slave to humiliate himself. Some may just see you as a sex object ("look Beavis, I sent an email to a Domme! It was good!").
It would not surprise me if all of these types so far would be disappointed and not respond when they realise you just want a pack of chocolate Smarties (the UK type which is also in Canada, not the US type) rather than a something more kinky. I've seen a fair few of these on IRC. Does what they do/want fall under the BDSM umbrella? I won't say "no" to that question. It doesn't float my boat nor that of most the people I respect, but that's just really YKINMK.
We have another class; those who truely believe they are 'do anything' submissives. They may be so desperate for a D/s relationship that they go overboard and write messages that are indistinguishable from the above class. Sometimes they get into relationships and take a collar then a month or so down the line realise something is missing and the relationship ends. I'm no expert here, but I get a feeling that they are putting the cart before the horse; trying to build a relationship on top of D/s where what they really want is a relationship _with_ D/s.
Finally we get the mature type; those who realise you are a real person with real needs; who may only know you through your fiction and your writings but consider you trustworthy and are willing to help you out with a request. They may be in a relationship already, or be alone, but they are stable enough and happy enough and mature enough to talk to you without any expectations. These are the kind of people I like to talk to online and at munches because they can talk rationally about what they do and I can discuss and learn from them.
However, the question isn't about these type, but about the others.
I think it's inevitable that something like BDSM will atract the immature. We, here on the newsgroups and on our personal sites, are pretty open with our sexuality, and to the immature sexuality == sex. People may read your story of putting Hasek into a straight jacket (it was him, wasn't it? Tori considers him the "most flexible") find themselves getting an erection and come begging to you "please please put me in it, I'll do anything" .
These people don't fit _into_ my scene at all; they are on the periphery. But then I'm not the famous Akasha and I'm not a Dom. I don't have my own groupies. I'm just Tori's slave. I don't get people mailing me at random wanting to tie me up (choruses of "shame! shame!" :-)). These people are possibly more intrusive in your life.
Now to finally answer the question in a concise way: These people are not people who perform BDSM in a way I care to emulate and don't relate to my scene except in a periphal manner. YMMV.
Yikes, that turned into a longer essay than I intended. I wonder if anyone read this far...
Well, not quite that extreme, but sometimes people do start to believe their own propoganda. Online this is typically more visible in Doms, perhaps because the submissive never posts without permission :-)
A Dom (or Domme!) suffering from this is jokingly referred to as having 'Dom's Disease' or 'Dom Toximia'.
In recent conversations with Robin Lawrie (an regular poster to soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm.femdom) about a particularly bad victim of Domme Toximia who would rant a lot, I mentioned the silly concept of that Domme as a Pokemon with a "tirade attack". Before I'd got over giggling about this, Robin mailed me back this wonderful spoof of the Pokemon site. Absolutely hilarious!
Robin has a cruel sense of humour! Can't wait to meet her :-)
What this means is that if either of us have issues we can openly discuss them.
Minor digression... some people seem to see 24/7 as some state where the slave is always in some "role", unable to discuss or question the owners demands. For me nothing is further from the truth :-) My point is just to demonstrate that 24/7 doesn't preclude such things. Even when we are discussing such things I am still her slave.
Communication is key to any relationship, and a D/s relationship is still a relationship between people.
This was a hard lesson for me. Despite my age, Tori is my first relationship and I was so scared that I would say or do the wrong thing; that this would annoy her and she'd leave me for someone better. What I learnt was that not holding back, talking about my fears and worries was better than holding them in.
For me this lifestyle is about the relationship. My collar is a symbol of that relationship. Of course it's merely a symbol and has been replaced twice, and is beginning to look like it needs replacing again, maybe this year (well, we also use it for it's function as well as it's symbolic purpose). I have other symbols; a "story of O" ring on my wedding finger, a yellow/white gold necklace (since I can't wear a collar to work) and most importantly (to me) an ear ring.
But... they are all symbols; merely symbols. "The map is not the territory". On-line collars, play collars, temporary collars, "collar hopping" and so on; these are people using my symbol but for a potentially different meaning. Perhaps they are looking for what I have and mistaking the symbol for the relationship or putting the cart before the horse (build a relationship on D/s, rather that build the D/s on a relationship). Or perhaps they're "just" into S&M and are using the collar for it's practical use. Or maybe they're playing a game online and getting fun out of it.
Why should it bother me? It doesn't. My symbols are for me and Tori; they're reminders to each other of our relationship, of our love. I don't read the same meaning into other peoples collars; if I care enough to know about the person then I will learn about the person, and what the symbols mean to them.
Sometimes, in this discussion, people mention wedding rings and draw a parallel between a collar and a ring. Yes, they are both symbols of commitment (to me and possibly to many of the people I'm boring here with this essay), but they are not the commitment itself. Divorce rates are soaring, wedding vows are taken and broken. Rings are exchanged and returned. Not as often as collars are exchanged and returned, to be sure, but then there is less ambiguity as to the meaning of a wedding rule; a collar may have many meanings as discussed above.
As a result, I'm not "disturbed at the trend in the scene to have a slave/submissive jump so head long from collaring to collaring...". Some of these people may not have the same feelings as I do towards what a collaring is. Hey, it's their life.
For me, my slavery to Tori is as much romance as D/s. But, in the end, the collar is just a symbol. What matters to me is what is in my heart and mind for Tori, and what's in her heart and mind for me.