Article on subDOMinion

Soon after I "outed" myself, I ended up talking to the Webmistress of subDOMinion and I was asked to contribute to to site. I wrote this partially as a way of sorting out my own feelings, and also as a guide to other people new to the scene. The version here is very very slightly modified from my initial article

It's amazing... rereading this shows how quickly my relationship with Tori has gone from being very good friends to being her beloved slave. Wow! Life moves quick at times... now I'm a semi-regular at munches, a ChanOp on IRC, and supporting the subDOMinion web site! How things change!

Outing myself

This "essay" is designed to help people getting into BDSM for the first time. It's basically my story, and as such consists of two parts. The first part is a description my past and how I've always felt. I've left this in because I believe that others may find it useful to realise that their feelings are not at all unusual. The second part is a recent recantation of how I've attempted to enter the scene. I recommend you read both parts, but if you don't want to read my personal history then just skip to the part reading "And so to present day..."

I've probably always been into bondage in some way. As a child I would play pretend games of being locked into small areas, unable to move outside of that area. Later I would play with the ties on my coat, making loops to put my wrists through. My mother was a teacher with access to LOTS of Transpaseal (a form of Blue Peter's favourite sticky back plastic, used to cover worksheets) and I used it to wrap my torso in it. Much fun. Of course, I didn't tell anyone else about it and I was far too young to get a sexual kick out of it. It just felt good and fun, but it also seemed... wrong. Taboo some how. As I grew older and went through puberty, I found it easier to masturbate while tied up in some way. Even if it was just a bicycle lock around the neck. More than once I went to sleep wearing a lock connected by a strap to my headboard.

The taboo still held though. I felt... unclean. Perverted. Disgusted. More than once I felt so disgusted that I threw away my toys and didn't play that way for months at a time. But eventually I found myself playing in that area again.

Time goes by... I keep playing... alone. Never daring to admit to anyone else what gave me real fun. As I grew older I learnt more about variant sexualities (primarily gay/hetero) and accepted these. Suddenly it struck me... if I can accept this in others, then why not in myself? This was a revelation! There must be other people like me as well. It's only taken me 32 years to get to that stage :-)

And so to present day...

The first stage was to stop hiding. I still didn't have the courage to do this in "real life", but I picked a newsgroup where people did know me (both online and in real life) and where I knew some of the regulars had their own quirks. That was difficult in the extreme. However, I forced myself, finding it easier to make some jokes...
"Hi, my name's Stephen and I'm a pervert"
It worked. I managed to complete the post and sent it out. Once sent, never retracted. I'd done it! My first admission of who and what I was. I sat back and waited for the responses.

On the whole they were extremely positive. Most of them were just random words of support; meaningless in themselves and welcome none-the-less; knowing people were able to accept me was a big boost! There were two other main emails though that made the biggest difference. One of these was a woman from New York who gave part of her own life story back. Through the conversations we've had in email now this woman has become a very good friend and made me much happier with myself. The other main person I've spoke to had a lot more immediately useful information with respect to getting into the scene.

No doubt, if you've found this message, you probably know of these resources, but these are where I feel I've learnt most:

Newsgroups:	soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm uk.people.bdsm	The FAQs for both of these are excellent and very much worth reading. They have lots of useful and practical information in them, as well as a further list of resources. Just reading this and realising people do things you've only fantasised about is a great boost to your self esteem!
Web sites:	www.informedconsent.co.uk	A great web site with lots of useful information and links
	www.subDOMinion.com	Another great site, well designed, and with information for both people new to the scene and for those wanting to investigate further.
	www.submissionuk.org	A site introducing the IRC channel #submissionuk, giving information of what goes on there, and also an area where some of the regulars have put up their own details; some with pictures.
IRC channel:	#submissionuk on DALnet	Some very friendly people here... I learnt a lot talking to them! The web site mentioned above lists a lot of the regulars.

The next step was to find people on the net to talk to. My first IRC session was on #informedconsent on the bondage.com IRC server. There were not many people there, but they were all happy to talk and accepted my opening "Hi, I'm a newbie and want to lurk to find out more". After an hour or so I'd seen the sort of people who were on and asked for further advice. The overwhelming consensus was "munches", and referred me to that section of the Informed Consent website.

Which sort of leads to the third bit...

Being in the London area, a regular monthly munch is held amongst people on the #submissionuk channel. Now, the www.submissionuk.org site is setup for people using this channel. I strongly suggest you read it. It's possibly worth reading up on some of the people who use the channel. Very importantly, some people have put pictures up. If you are worried that you won't physically fit in, then these pictures are great; people are of all shapes and sizes, and no matter how you look... you'll fit in!

So now this is the situation I'm in. I'm participating in the #submissionuk channel for a couple of hours 3 or 4 times a week. I'm getting to know the people there. Hopefully when the next munch comes along I'll have enough courage to turn up, hoping that maybe someone there will have seen me online.

Through all of this, I've done my entry into the scene using my real name. "sweh" are my initials, and it's what I use in all my internet dealings (and have done for over a decade). This doesn't mean you have to. Some people have different identities when in the scene to help distinguish between their everyday "vanilla" lives and their scene lives. Other people have gone to the other extreme and live their whole lives "in scene", usually referenced as 24/7.

The important part is to do what you feel happy with. Just because other people do what doesn't kink you, or you feel you do stuff most other people won't like then it doesn't really matter. Read the resources I've mentioned and try to learn about the scene and how other people have felt. So far all my online chats have been very supportive, and quite good fun. I'm hoping that my first munch will be so as well. And I never know... maybe somehow through the scene I might just find that special someone I want to commit the rest of my life to.