Path: reader1.panix.com!reader2.panix.com!panix!not-for-mail Message-ID: From: Autoposter Newsgroups: uk.people.bdsm Subject: uk.people.bdsm FAQ v0.6 Date: Sat, 1 Oct 2016 00:59:02 -0400 Lines: 4573 Organization: bdsm.org.uk NNTP-Posting-Host: localhost X-Trace: reader1.panix.com 1475298071 3799 127.0.0.1 (1 Oct 2016 05:01:11 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@panix.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sat, 1 Oct 2016 05:01:11 +0000 (UTC) X-AutoPost-By: Autoposted by bdsm@spuddy.org X-AutoPost-URL: Autoposted from http://www.chiark.greenend.org.uk/bdsm/frequently_asked_questions/faq0.6.txt Last-modified: GMT 1999-07-23 21:13:00 Version: 0.6 Maintainer: Peter Green Copyright: see Subject 0.2 Xref: mercury7.spuddy.org uk.people.bdsm:30076 Answers to Frequently Asked Questions on uk.people.bdsm ------------------------------ Subject: 0.0 Introduction. Hi there. If you are reading this FAQ on uk.people.bdsm, welcome to the group. If you are just skimming this FAQ before posting, and would like your post to be read and well-received, there is information on what sort of posts are acceptable in Subject 7.1.1, and how best to go about introducing yourself in Subject 7.1.7. The information in this FAQ is sorted by topic into sections, and the best order to read it in will depend on whether you are new to the UK, the Net or BDSM. If you have read it before, Subject 0.1 lists what's new. Warning: This article contains material that is both sexually explicit and complex in nature. If you aren't up to that, go elsewhere. PART I SECTION 0 - about this FAQ PART II SECTION 1 - about BDSM SECTION 2 - about the Net SECTION 3 - about BDSM on the Net PART III SECTION 4 - about the UK SECTION 5 - about BDSM in the UK SECTION 6 - about the UK on the Net SECTION 7 - about BDSM in the UK on the Net Note: The way the sections are split into parts for posting will determined by the 64K article size limit on some machines. While this is a draft PART II is being further split when posted. The full document can be found on the Web at: ------------------------------ Subject: 0.1 What's in this FAQ? Questions about this FAQ: 0.0 Introduction. 0.1 What's in this FAQ? 0.2 Who is responsible for this FAQ? 0.3 How complete is this FAQ and how can I help? Questions about BDSM: 1.0.0 What is BDSM? 1.0.1 Why do you choose to use the term "BDSM" for that? 1.0.2 What is 'the' Scene? Am I part of it? 1.0.3 What is B&D? 1.0.4 What is D&S? 1.0.5 What is S&M? 1.0.6 What other general BDSM terms are there? 1.1.0 "Safe" 1.1.1 Whips. Floggers. Paddles. Canes. Crops. Hands. Feet. 1.1.2 Restraint. Suspension. Mummification. * 1.1.3 Gags. Breath control. Sensory Deprivation. 1.1.4 Cutting. Burning. Branding. Wax. Electricity. * 1.1.5 Body modification. Permanent piercings. Play piercings. 1.1.6 Genitorture. C&B. Parachutes. Breasts. Nipple clamps. - 1.1.7 Scat. Enemas. Watersports. Golden showers. Catheters. 1.1.8 Butt plug training. Anal sex. Fisting. - 1.1.9 AIDS. Safer sex. Cleaning toys. Meeting strangers for the first time. * 1.1.10 What steps can I take to reduce the risks in BDSM? 1.2.0 "Sane" 1.2.1 Why is B&D fun? - 1.2.2 Why is D&S fun? 1.2.3 Why is S&M fun? 1.2.4 What is 'real' BDSM? Does what I do count? * 1.2.5 Fetishes. Clothing Care. Gender Play. Shaving. 1.2.6 Is BDSM insane, unnatural or degrading? - 1.2.7 My fantasies scare me. What if I get too into BDSM? 1.2.8 Negotiation. Emotional safety. Care after scenes. Abusers. 1.3.0 "Consensual" 1.3.1 Safewords. Non-verbal safewords. Implicit safewords. - 1.3.2 Club and play party rules. Codes. Voyeurs. - 1.3.3 Pushing limits, expectations and mistakes, mindfucks. 1.3.4 Role-playing. Control. Topping from the bottom. - 1.3.5 No safeword-scenes. 24/7 relationships. - 1.3.6 How can I become a better bottom? - 1.3.7 How can I become a better top? 1.4.0 Toys 1.4.1 How to make your own. Cheap toys. - 1.4.2 Stealth toys. - 1.4.3 Who makes the best quality whips? [ a long running question never definitively answered :-) ] - 1.4.4 How 'thuddy' or 'stingy' are floggers made from different materials? - 1.5.0 People - 1.5.1 My partner has never tried BDSM. How can I addict hir? - 1.5.2 My partner isn't into BDSM. Can I go to clubs for non-sexual play? 1.5.3 Oh my god. My mother just looked in my closet. What do I do? 1.5.4 How out do I 'have' to be? SM Pride. BDSM symbols. - 1.6.0 Information 1.6.1 Books - 1.6.2 Magazines - 1.6.3 Films and videos. Questions about the Net: - 2.0 I'm not on the Net. What is it? And what are email, news and URLs? 2.1 What are FAQs? 2.2 I'm new to the Net. What should I do? Where can I find out more? 2.3 Why does it matter if I post something to an inappropriate group? - 2.4 Trolls. Cross-posting. Flamewars. Forging addresses. - 2.5 What is spam? Why is it evil? What should I do about it? - 2.6 Anonymity. Finger. Net names. Outing. Harassing email. - 2.7 How do I killfile posters/threads I don't like? 2.8 What can I do if my ISP doesn't take a newsgroup I want to use? 2.9 What is IRC? How do I get onto the different nets? Questions about BDSM on the Net: - 3.1.0 What is there about BDSM? - 3.1.1 Newsgroups 3.1.2 IRC - 3.1.3 Web sites - pictures 3.1.4 Web sites - stories 3.1.5 Web sites - other - 3.1.6 Muds, talkers, virtual worlds, bulletin boards - 3.2 Related areas [ Actually, the whole of section 3 needs thinking about. Ideas anybody? ] Questions about the UK: 4.0 What is the UK? 4.1 I'm visiting the UK. Have you any advice? Questions about BDSM in the UK: 5.1 Is BDSM against the law? 5.1.1 Countdown on Spanner - 5.1.2 "Secret" magazine impounded by Customs - 5.2 How can I find out about groups, clubs and events in the UK? - 5.2.1 What's up with Whiplash? Where is the Fetish Fair/Market? - 5.3 Do contact magazines only list commercial dominatrixes? - 5.4 Equipment sources. BDSM-aware lawyers & other professionals. 5.5.0 Play parties 5.5.1 I want to throw a play party; how do I go about it? 5.5.2 I want to attend a play party; what is the etiquette? * 5.5.3 I want to attend a club, but I'm frightened. What's it like? * 5.5.4 What does a dungeon monitor at a club actually do? - 5.6 What is the scene like in the UK? - 5.6.1 Is the UK more like the east or west coast USA stereotype? - 5.7 What is the history of the scene in the UK? The Hellfire club, etc. [ Does information on Cynthia Payne, etc. belong in the FAQ? ] - 5.7.1 What is the 'English' vice? Are there still canes in schools? - 5.8.0 I want to find a play partner. Have you any advice? - 5.8.1 Advice to men seeking female bottoms. - 5.8.2 Advice to men seeking female tops. - 5.8.3 Advice to gay men. - 5.8.4 Advice to gay women. - 5.8.5 Advice to straight women. Questions about the UK on the Net: - 6.1 How do I get on the Net in the UK? 6.2 Am I still welcome in uk.* groups if I don't live in the UK? Questions about BDSM in the UK on the Net: - 7.1.0 The uk.people.bdsm newsgroup 7.1.1 Its Charter 7.1.2 Its History - 7.1.3 Its web site - 7.1.4 Its users - 7.1.5 Its distribution (which providers take it) - 7.1.6 Its munches 7.1.7 Hi, I'm new to this group. What should I do? - 7.1.8 Quote! 7.2.0 Links - BDSM * 7.2.1 UK BDSM Clubs online * 7.2.2 UK BDSM Magazines online * 7.2.3 UK BDSM Event Listings online * 7.2.4 UK BDSM Web sites - other * 7.2.5 UK BDSM bulletin boards, talkers, IRC channels, etc. - 7.3.0 Links - related areas [ The whole of 7.3 needs thinking about. ] - 7.3.1 Pornography - 7.3.2 Sex, swingers, personals, polyamory. - 7.3.4 TV, TS, fetish fashion, piercing, rituals, paganism, Goths, etc. [ Maybe we should limit it to one link per subject? No idea ] 7.3.5 Liberty. UK anti-censorship campaign. Leydig trust. - = nobody has volunteered to deal with this subject yet. + = someone is writing the answer but hasn't submitted it yet. * = subject has been added or altered since last version. ------------------------------ Subject: 0.2 Who is responsible for this FAQ? This FAQ was originally collated by Pallando, and is currently being maintained by Peter Green. The material in it, though, was authored by the folks on uk.people.bdsm, with additional ideas and material from the alt.sex.bondage FAQ (now the soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm FAQ) by Rob Jellinghaus . All rights over the material (including copyright) remain with the authors, except as explicitly granted otherwise. The authors, while attempting to make their answers reflect the opinion on the group at time of writing, make no guarantees the information is true, complete, safe or even funny. For that matter, if you think you have any sort of promise from any past or present collator, maintainer, *.answers moderator or web archiver, dream on. That having been said, permission is hereby granted for this material to be Read; Stored on-line for uses that are non-profit; Stored off-line for uses that are both non-profit and personal; Used (in printed form) as part of perverse and bizarre sexual acts; and Stored on- or off-line as necessary for Usenet distribution and browsing providing any edits are indicated as such, and this answer is included. If you are archiving this FAQ on a website, if there are any problems with its distribution, if you have any material for it, or feedback on it, please email the maintainer (see email address in 'Maintainer:' header). ------------------------------ Subject: 0.3 How complete is this FAQ and how can I help? FAQs are living documents, and are never completely finished. You can always help by spotting errors and emailing the Maintainer with suggested alterations or additions to current answers. Pointing out new questions that are being frequently asked on the group, or are likely to be, is also helpful. In the case of this uk.people.bdsm FAQ, the answer is "not at all complete". It is still in draft stage. That means it is not being archived at MIT, is has not yet been accepted by the moderators of the *.answers newsgroups, and that it may well be posted more frequently than once a month. Volunteers are needed to answer most of the questions in parts 2 and 3. If you have a few spare moments, pick a question, email me so I can mark it as being handled, then get writing! Your answer does not have to be complete or perfect, since the group will be able to add corrections once it is in the next version; any answer at all is useful because it provides a basis to comment on and refine. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.0.0 What is BDSM? Literally, "BDSM" is the contraction of "B&D", "D&S" and S&M". In practice the term is often used in a more general sense to cover the range of interests common in the BDSM Scene, such as fetishes, body modification and alternative sexualities, and it implies activities done Safely, Sanely and Consensually (SSC). Briefly, SSC means respecting your partner's body, mind & free will. (For more detail see Subject 1.1, 1.2 & 1.3) ------------------------------ Subject: 1.0.1 Why do you choose to use the term "BDSM" for that? Consider the alternatives: "SM" - doesn't cover D&S. "bondage" - doesn't cover S&M. "kinky" - Has negative connotations in some areas. "pervy" - Has negative connotations in most areas. "wiitwd" - Not used off the Net. (means: what it is that we do). "BDSM" is widely understood within the Scene, is not offensive to vanillas, and is sufficiently specific to be useful while being inclusive enough not to leave large groups within the Scene feeling rejected. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.0.2 What is 'the' Scene? Am I part of it? "a toy" - a piece of equipment that you use for BDSM (e.g. a whip). "to play" - to participate in a BDSM activity (e.g. spanking). It does not imply any particular level of seriousness or reality. "a scene" - an uninterrupted session during which the participants are actually playing, and can last from seconds to a lifetime. It does not have to have an audience, nor does it imply roleplay, S&M, or any one specific element. "the Scene" - the BDSM community. It can mean both the people who play together, and the events that bring them together. If you believe in doing BDSM activities, and you identify with the Scene, then you are part of it. There is no entrance exam, no initiation ritual, you don't have to be into any particular aspect of BDSM nor do you have to be a recognised public player. There is no particular virtue in being an old or heavy player; so don't be intimidated if you are not, you are just as welcome here. (See also Subject 1.2.4 and Subject 1.5.4) ------------------------------ Subject: 1.0.3 What is B&D? "B&D" stands for "Bondage and Discipline". "controller" - one who wants to control someone's physical actions "controllee" - one who wants their physical actions to be controlled Control can be physical (via bondage) or psychological (via discipline). "bondage" - any form of physical restraint or hindrance. Devices commonly used include cuffs, ropes, chains, corsets, gags, blindfolds and large pieces of furniture, or a controller can immobilised a controllee with no devices at all -- just by sitting on them. ;-) Bondage is often combined with inflicting pain, and tight bondage or uncomfortable positions can be used in order to inflict pain: however, that is not intrinsic to bondage. Bondage can also be used to stimulate the body -- Japanese rope bondage is not only an art form, it deliberately uses knots to massage sensitive points. "discipline" - the use of rules and punishment to control overt behaviour. Punishment can be pain caused physically (such as caning), humiliation caused physically (such as a public enema) or loss of freedom caused physically (such as chaining the controllee to the foot of a bed, for snoring). Bondage when used as a punishment is still bondage, but because it is overtly being done in response to a 'rule' being broken, it is also part of the discipline. Punishment does not need to be physical. It can be loss of privileges (such as having an orgasm this month), being ordered to do a task (such as writing lines on a blackboard) on threat of further punishment if not finished correctly, it can be verbal humiliation, or really any act that you can inflict on the controllee or get them to inflict on themselves that they don't like. Rules can be applied randomly by dominants as a tool for disorienting a sub, or by a sadist in order to have an excuse to inflict lots of fun pain, but a disciplinarian is one who enjoys gaining control over someone's physical actions and apparent behaviour by training them to obey stated rules. Discipline is often combined with playing roles such as student/teacher, worker/boss, nurse/doctor or servant/noble, to give a context for the rules. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.0.4 What is D&S? "D&S" stands for "Domination and Submission". It can also be written "Ds", "D/s", "D&s" or "D/S". "dominant" - one who wants to dominate someone (also "dom" or "Dom"). "submissive" - one who wants to submit to someone (also "sub"). Domination is the gain and use of control over a sub's emotional reactions by the manipulation of their mind and body. This may or may not be then used to discipline their physical actions; it can be sufficient to own their soul, but tangible proof of ownership is often found enjoyable. The difference between Discipline and Dominance is that the Disciplinarian cares that the bottom does obey, while not minding whether they wanted to or not. The Dominant cares that the bottom wants to obey, and only minds whether they do actually obey in as much as it proves that they wanted to. Of course someone who is into both D&S and B&D would care about both things. In BDSM relationships the dominant should take the submissive's interests and needs into account: however, this is not the same as saying they will do everything the sub wants or enjoys. Submission is the voluntary offering up of control over one's own volition. Perfecting a genuine selflessness and desire to serve, worship and obey can be a lifelong project: however, there are many forms of D&S relationship and the dominant does not usually gain control totally or hold it permanently. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.0.5 What is S&M? "S&M" stands for "Sadism and Masochism" or "SadoMasochism". It can also be written "SM" or "S/M". "sadist" - one who wants to inflict physical pain. "masochist" - one who wants to receive physical pain. The terms "Sadism" and "Masochism" originated with two real people whose names the medical profession used for the respective conditions: however, S&M as it is practised as part of BDSM has little to do with the clinical conditions as defined in DSMIV, so I shall ignore them here (details in Subject 1.2.5). "physical mods" - a deliberate and ornamental change in the body's structure that does not risk impairing needed functionality (e.g. an ear piercing). "physical hurt" - a painful insult to the body, causing only repairable physical damage. Any impairment must be limited to less than a finite planned maximum in magnitude and duration. "physical harm" - physical damage that risks unacceptable or indeterminate impairment of needed functionality. In S&M the aim is to inflict sensations (such as physical hurt) without causing physical harm. There are many devices available to help a sadist do this. Among the most popular ones dedicated to this purpose are paddles, floggers, straps, canes, crops, whips, cats and clamps. Hands, candles, ice cubes, needles, knives, feathers and electricity can be just as fun. Hardware stores are fun to visit with a kinky mind. Not everyone responds to sensations in the same way. Some people prefer a stingy cane to a heavy paddle. Some people prefer tickling to a cane. Some people prefer a paddle to tickling. There is no right or wrong amount of pain to be able to withstand, nor is there a correct way it should feel to you. (See in particular Subject 1.2.3) ------------------------------ Subject: 1.0.6 What other general BDSM terms are there? "master" - someone into D&S who has a specific relationship with a sub. "slave" - someone into D&S who has a specific relationship with a dom. These terms are used in a great variety of conflicting ways. They might be used by one couple when doing a one-off role- playing scene, based on historical slavery. Another couple may define their whole relationship on that basis, using welded collars, powers of attorney and a 24/7 no-safeword agreement to make it as permanent as possible. "top" - someone who is a controller, dominant and/or sadist. "bottom" - someone who is a controllee, submissive and/or masochist. These used to have slightly different meanings in the gay community ("one who penetrates" versus "one who is penetrated"). In our context they are just generic terms that do not imply whether the player is heavily into D&S or not. By definition: all masters are dominants. all dominants are tops. all slaves are submissives. all submissives are bottoms. but not necessarily vice versa, and nothing is implied about whether the player has any interest in S&M or B&D. To confuse matters further, some men will describe themselves as masters, without being dominant, in hope of getting to play with submissives. Mistress is a fairly direct equivalent term for women, but Sir, Lord, Lady, Madam, Goddess, or any other formal title probably indicates an interest in topping. "SAM" - Smart Arsed Masochist. Used to mean a bottom who is into S&M but not D&S, and who behaves in a disrespectful manner in order to get more punishments. Dates from '70s. Also used pejoratively to mean someone who tries to take total control of a scene while claiming to be submissive. "YKINMK" - Your Kink Is Not My Kink. "MKIBTYK" - My Kink Is Better Than Your Kink. "YKINOK" - Your Kink Is Not Okay. "YKIOK,IJNMK" - Your Kink is OK, It's Just Not My Kink. "AKIBTN" - Any Kink Is Better Than None. "TMPTAWWTLO" - The Missionary Position Twice A Week With The Lights Off. "vanilla" - Something not part of the Scene. Often used to describe parts of your life, as well as people or activities. Usage is similar to that of "mundane" by the Science Fiction community. Its use is sometimes considered pejorative, though not by gourmets who eat the real thing, apparently :-), and probably should not be used to include alternative sexual practices that are part of BDSM in the wider sense. "missionaries" - If vanilla sex is what you imagine your parents having, then 'missionaries' are more "It's my birthday. Do you reckon you can go on top tonight darling?". Pejorative. "munch" - Social meet of an on-line BDSM group. May or may not include food, drink and or play. Will include talk and fun. "edge play" - There is disagreement on what this means. Some people use it to refer to play on the edge of consensuality (e.g. pushing limits). Others mean the edge of safety (e.g. play that has a significant risk of causing death or permanent damage). It can therefore be of vital importance to know which definition your potential top is using. "torture" - BDSM with a heavy S&M element and strict control. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.1.0 "Safe" Playing safely does not mean giving up all dangerous activities. It means taking reasonable care that you know what risks of physical harm are associated with any activities you consider trying; and, if you decide to go ahead, planning those activities with due thought to optimising the balance between risk and reward for everybody involved. If you are the top, and you are tying your bottom up, keep your attention on what you're doing. Your bottom is going to be blissing out; it's up to you to see that they're comfortable and kept amused. The "amusement" can be as nasty as you please, but see that they don't get _bored_; that's seldom fun.) Many tops come up with an SM safety kit, containing (among other things) such items as a flashlight, duplicate keys for _all_ locks, bandage scissors (with one flat blade) for speedy bondage removal, a First Aid kit with all the standard first aid items, disinfectant (such as Bactine or Hibiclens) for toys which come in contact with bodily fluids, safer sex supplies (sometimes including several varieties of lubricant -- different people like different sorts), and so on. See _SM 101_ (a book listed in Subject 1.6.1) for an excellent description of such a kit. Pay attention to what you're doing and use common sense and you'll likely be fine. In general, start out slow and PRACTICE! See the rest of the answers 1.1.* for activity specific hints and how-tos. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.1.1 Whips. Floggers. Paddles. Canes. Crops. Hands. Feet. One way of thinking about whipping is as another way of touching someone. People who are just getting into SM frequently play with spanking; it's fun to be spanked! It's a punishment, it's a strong stimulus, it hurts very pleasurably. But if you've ever spanked anyone for a long time you know that your spanking hand wears out quickly! Well, that's what whips are for -- to allow you to hit someone for a longer time, without tiring out. There are many varieties of whips (cat-o-nine tails, heavy floggers, canes, light braided switches, suede pussy whips, and on and on), all of which feel very different and which have their own individual effect. A whip-loving top will often carry a veritable arsenal of different floggers, but they are all extensions of the top's touch. Indeed, when I whip or cane someone, I feel as though I _am_ touching them -- as though the instrument is an extension of my arm and my desire. There are deeper reasons why the variety is so diverse. A whipping scene will often start off very lightly, with the top using a small whip to sensitise the bottom and get them into the rhythm of the scene, switching to heavier and heavier whips as the bottom gets deeper and deeper, more and more receptive to additional sensation. Of course, the top may choose to lead the bottom on any kind of tactile journey the top desires -- switching from stinging light switches to biting canes to soft fleeces. (Yes, it can feel GREAT when your top stops hitting you and suddenly brushes a velvet cloth against your back! Or maybe an ice cube....) It's all about physical sensation. Quite often people in the scene describe whips as being "thuddy" or "stingy". Thuddy whips land with a solid impact; they shove you, they feel like a cross between a hug and a punch. Stingy whips land with a bite; they feel like a cross between a scratch and a slap. Both kinds of sensation are enjoyable in different ways, and a skilled top can alternate thud and sting (and then some!) to create waves of sensation that wash their bottom into ecstasy. Most people enjoy a slow build-up when being whipped. This can culminate in an explosive climax of impacts, leaving both top and bottom drained and delighted. Or it can wind down gently, ending casually. Or it can stop feeling good suddenly, resulting in a safeword. Or it can turn into a galloping intense sex scene! But the general "start slow, build up, end intensely" tempo is common to many SM scenes: from gentle to stronger to WOW and then back to gentle, then a little stronger, then WOW!!... and gentle again. It's the motion of the ocean, as they say. It takes practice to know how to use this to blow your bottom's mind, but the more you learn, the more skilled you will be, and believe me, these skills -- teasing your partner and making them feel better and better and BETTER -- are very useful in non-SM contexts as well! Whips aren't the end of the story. Some people use paddles -- of leather or wood, sometimes with holes cut in them to decrease air resistance and make for a harder impact. Paddles produce a solid "smack!" which can feel like a super-powerful spanking. Some players like canes, which can be thick or thin, stiff or relatively flexible. Canes can produce some of the strongest impacts of all -- the "whick!" of a quick-moving cane is distinctive. Not everyone can handle the intensely-focused pain canes can produce, but those who can tend to greatly enjoy it. Wooden spoons and kitchen spatulas have been pressed into service as instruments of flagellation. For a while, Nerf bats were very popular in some San Francisco parties I went to. (Bonk!) If none of this makes any sense to you -- well, if you have to ask, you might not understand. Whipping or spanking is sometimes used as part of a "punishment" scene, in which the pretext for the scene is that the bottom has been disobedient or naughty in some way which requires chastisement. This can be fun to do as role-playing, but it may not work in a more long-term D&S dynamic. Bottoms often find it erotic to receive non-damaging sensation from their top -- and of course any scene causing permanent damage is not safe nor sane. If your bottom learns that the best way to get enjoyably beaten is to misbehave, you will have a very bad bottom on your hands. It is often then best to separate "play" punishments (which are intended to be fun) from "real" punishments involving seriously broken agreements. Here is where reality and fantasy need to be delicately separated, and here is where the real world differs from S&M fiction. When whipping someone, be careful. Heavy whipping is usually done on the back or buttocks, simply because those are the parts of the body which can take it most readily. Be careful of hitting the spine, which can break the skin where the vertebrae come close to the surface. Stay away from the kidneys, as kidney damage can occur if you hit them too hard. Stay away from the neck, for the same reasons you avoided the spine. Be aware that if you hit someone hard enough (which may be lighter than you'd think) you will bruise them, and if you keep going you can break the skin, which is decidedly unsafe sex; and leather or string whips are tough to clean. For this reason, some dedicated masochists have their own toys which have come in contact with their blood, and henceforth can be used only on them. Whippings like this are very strenuous, but as with all SM, you can start out light and get only as heavy as you want! Bruises will heal (even large ones), as will light cuts or abrasions, but you should know how to avoid unintended damage that won't be so accommodating. One thing to watch for (a distant risk, but worth knowing): melanoma, a form of skin cancer, can be worsened by skin trauma. If you see a mole on your bottom's back that looks uneven, discoloured, or different than it used to, avoid that area, and have them see a dermatologist. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.1.2 Restraint. Suspension. Mummification. Make sure your bottom's extremities don't start getting cold or turning blue; those are both sure signs that blood isn't flowing the way it ought to, and that isn't what you want to have happen. If your bottom's hands are bound inside mittens or some other place that's not accessible to you, ask them to wiggle their fingers or toes or whatever and see if they're losing any feeling. It can be tricky to tie someone up without making it too tight; in general, a good rule is to tie loosely with lots of turns of rope. You can tighten such a tie with just another turn around all the rest, and it can be a real drag to have a bottom's foot fall asleep in the middle of a scene; this kind of thing can feel very annoying and distracting, and can make it hard for your bottom to concentrate on what you are making them feel. Silk scarves, bandannas, etc. also have this problem with tightening under tension; sometimes they get so tight they have to be cut off. If you're a novice, you may want to avoid these hassles by purchasing a pair of basic ankle and wrist cuffs (in leather, Velcro, or whatever) at an adult toy store; and if you get embarrassed, remember the old standby excuse: "It's a joke wedding gift!" Handcuffs are sexy, but they can also be a pain. Shoddy cuffs (the kind you buy at the sporting goods store) are liable to break while being worn -- then you have to file them off. If you want to play with handcuffs, get a good quality pair; the usual brand is Peerless, and they'll cost about $30, with a double lock so you can snap them on and then lock them so they won't get tighter under pressure (as cheap cuffs will). Handcuffs are also bare metal, and aren't good to struggle against, as they can easily pinch nerves... padded, buckling bondage cuffs are better for those sorts of games. Do not leave a bound person alone. Though it is a hot fantasy to tie someone up in some precarious position (possibly with vibrators or other devices buzzing away) and leave them to stew, in reality you must consider: what if the house is burgled? catches on fire? earthquake? any sort of emergency? Fun is fun, but a helpless person is just that: helpless. A willing partner is too precious to take risks with. Be very careful about tying anything around the neck; anything that puts any pressure AT ALL on the front of the neck can lead to unconsciousness quickly, as the carotid arteries go right to the brain. Likewise be careful with gags or things tied in the mouth; as well as restricting breathing, they can trigger a gag reflex, which could be really nasty (read: fatal) if the bottom can't get the gag out, and vomits. See the advice in Subject 1.1.3 on safewords for use while gagged. Also, be aware that if someone is standing for any length of time in any sort of tight bondage, it can lead to reduced circulation to their head; if you suddenly do something intense to that person, it may trigger a headrush which could easily result in a faint. Always use hooks which can be released instantly even with the bottom's full weight on them (these are sometimes called "panic snaps" and can be found in good hardware stores), and keep a pair of bandage scissors handy in case ropes or straps need to be cut loose. Be careful what you tie your bottom to; if an exposed water pipe is handy, be aware it may heat up. Likewise with candles; be careful when you're waving flame around someone who's bound, as they can't flinch the way unbound people can. If you don't have anything handy to tie someone to, you can always tie their wrists behind their back and then to their waist. Or if your bed doesn't have any posts, you can wrap ropes around the legs of the bed and spread-eagle your bottom that way. In general, there are a million ways to tie someone up, and a little practice -- on your bottom or on yourself! -- will let you improvise in almost any situation. Below I list a few sorts of common bondage devices mentioned here in stories and postings. If you read a term here which you don't understand, write me and I'll add a description. * Mummification or Cocooning: About the most complete form of bondage is to wrap someone up so they are completely immobile. The most popular way to mummify someone is with plastic wrap. A common technique is to wrap each limb separately, then wrap the arms to the sides, and then wrap the legs together - - and then help the bottom lie down on an adjacent soft surface. You can then cut holes (carefully!) to access any especially sensitive areas, or wrap duct tape over it all for extra security, or add gags, blindfolds, etc. One way the body releases heat is by sweating, and while mummified you can't sweat too much, so make sure your bottom doesn't overheat -- and have a blanket ready to cover them with when you cut them out of their cocoon, using the bandage scissors (obtainable from medical supply stores -- one flat blade makes cutting easier) which you of course have ready to hand. And as always, monitor your bottom very carefully; they are helpless, and your neglect or inattention could spell disaster. * Hoods: Many leather stores and artisans make bondage hoods. These are typically constructed of leather or rubber. Some have simple zippers, and you zip them up to secure them. Others have laces on the back and/or the sides, enabling the hood to be laced more tightly for greater bondage effect. Some hoods have eye holes, some don't. Some hoods have mouth holes, some don't. Some deluxe hoods have built-in earmuffs or even space for earphones, for sensory deprivation. Almost all hoods have nose holes, for obvious reasons. Hoods can restrict a bottom's breathing quite seriously, and tops must remain continually aware of their bottom's condition while their bottom is wearing a hood -- especially if the hood is combined with any form of gag. Do not leave a hooded bottom alone; breathing difficulty can come on quickly. Some people believe that any hood without a zipper or other extra-quick-release mechanism is too dangerous to use on a bottom. In any case, you should have some bandage scissors at the ready if the hood needs to be removed in a big hurry. See Subject 1.1.3 for more safety tips. * Bodybags: If you like being bound, the ultimate extreme is bondage which encompasses your entire body, leaving you with no motion whatever. Bondage bodybags (or "sleepsacks") resemble a well-tailored, snug sleeping bag, often made out of leather or spandex. Spandex bodybags are the least expensive, and if made from heavy enough spandex can be very restrictive indeed. Often bodybags have an opening at the upper end, through which you slide your feet, pulling the bag up to your neck. Many have other openings for genitals or nipples, so your bottom can be pleasured or tortured while immobile. Leather bodybags can be arbitrarily complex (and expensive); some have built-in internal arm sleeves to further minimise motion, or suspension straps so the bag, bottom and all, can be lifted into the air. Some have laces around the outside so the bag can be cinched to a downright painful tightness. If you REALLY have money to burn, you can even get inflatable rubber bodybags -- get in it, pump it up, and float away! Caveats about breathing and quick-release apply here as well. * Hobble skirts: Fetish clothing is often designed not just to look good and feel good, but to act almost as bondage in its own right. Hobble skirts are a perfect example: they are simply skirts which fit very snugly from waist down to ankles. Often the wearer can take steps of only a few inches while wearing the skirt (thus the term "hobble skirt"). When combined with a pair of high heels, these skirts can be almost totally immobilising, even without any other bondage. Leather or rubber are (again) the typical materials, though some dedicated tailors make their own from velvet or satin or other sensuous materials. * Armbinders: Restraints, typically leather, that bind both arms behind the back. Some resemble large gloves that pull up over both arms and buckle around the shoulders. Others are straps that go down the middle of the back and have attached wrist cuffs. In general, there are lots of kinds of bondage gear, and you can even invent your own... ------------------------------ Subject: 1.1.3 Gags. Breath control. Sensory Deprivation. **** GAGS Gags are devices used to muffle sounds or limit ability to communicate verbally. Besides the practical aspects, gags can have a significant psychological impact. They can be used to humiliate or degrade a person, to induce animalistic connotations and to depersonalise. There are many different types of gags ranging from home-made items to the expensive accoutrements sold at fetish and leather shops. All these different types of gags can be used to induce a variety of effects in the wearer. *** TYPES OF GAGS ** BASIC HOMEMADE GAGS Home-made gags include gagging with scarves, panties (soiled and otherwise) socks and duct tape. These are probably the most effective in actual noise reduction; however, they do have serious safety considerations to be taken into account. Socks and panties can be stuffed into the mouth and secured in place with tape or a scarf. Besides muffling noise this can be very humiliating, especially when the items used are soiled in some way. Duct tape is a favourite when used in a rape or kidnapping scenario, heightening the intensity and reality of such *play*. It is also inexpensive, quick to put on and equally quick (and painful ) to remove. * SPECIAL SAFETY CONSIDERATIONS Inhalation or swallowing of the gag (or part of the gag) is probably the most important concern with these gags, and the person wearing the gag should be watched carefully. It may be a good idea to wrap the item around a rope across the mouth to keep it from being inhaled. The Top should have a good understanding of the bottom's non-verbal communications. Dry mouth is another concern: if the mouth becomes too dry, swallowing can be very difficult. This can also induce gagging and choking. ** ADVANCED GAGS Advanced gags include ball, wedge, inflatable, bit and harnesses. These come in a variety of configurations from a securing strap to complex full-head affairs. They can be made of rubber, leather, or nylon webbing and are available in fetish shops or by mail order: or the more adventurous of us can make our own. Metal bits should be avoided as they pose a danger of chipping teeth. * BALL GAGS A ball gag is basically a rubber or leather ball attached to a strap that is secured around the head. The ball can be rather small to very large. These have a tendency to open the jaw very wide, and to cause the wearer to salivate profusely. They have a deeply humiliating effect for some people, mostly due to involuntary drool and the loss of control it implies (the "drool factor"). * WEDGE GAGS These are similar to the ball gag except they are wedge-shaped and less severe. They can be worn more comfortably by some, for extended periods of time. However some people are more sensitive to a "gag reflex" with these gags. They have the added advantage of giving a bottom "something to bite down on" while being whipped or otherwise abused. * INFLATABLE GAGS These are usually rubber gags inflated by means of a bulb, with a valve allowing the person to release air as required. Inflatable gags come in many shapes and sizes, ranging from the typical ball gag to penis-shaped and wedge gags. Care should be taken not to over-inflate the gag, and the top should check the sub's reaction after each inflation. * BITS Bit gags are usually rubber or leather, although some people may use wood or metal (in our opinion, not a good idea). Psychologically these are very effective in inducing animalistic reactions and in dehumanising the bottom. Because of the obvious connotations these are popular in pony club circles and with other animal play enthusiasts. * TONGUE CLAMPS Though not technically gags, tongue clamps serve well to impair speech significantly, much like the traditional "Scold's Bridle". Metal or wood vices are available to grip the tongue. These are usually attached to a head harness or other external means of support. Variations can be made using common household items such as chopsticks secured with leather thongs or rubber bands. These have almost no effect on noise, but make speech impossible, adding to feelings of helplessness and humiliation. These can become quite painful and the bottom will drool significantly. * HEAD HARNESSES One of the most effective and comfortable gags is a head harness. This is a kind of leather version of a scold's bridle. It has adjustable straps so the whole thing can be tightened suitably. The actual gag part is usually a wedge, though there are variations including balls, tubes, and rings. The harness has straps which cross over underneath the jaw and fasten around the back of the neck, effectively clamping the jaw up onto the wedge. This is more severe in that the entire head is encased, making the wearer feel more controlled, animalistic and humiliated. (Harnesses may also incorporate blindfolds or blinkers as well as gags -- or none of the above!) This gag is more constricting than any other. It is also easily grabbed from any angle, so offers more physical control of the bottom to the top. Care should be taken to not jerk the head too violently. Some harnesses also have attachments to facilitate blindfolds, to further add to the vulnerability of the bottom. *** SAFETY General safety considerations include being able to remove the gag immediately if a problem arises. It would be a bad idea to use a gag that locks in place, unless you are willing to cut it off. Care should be taken to avoid eating large quantities beforehand, and alcohol and drugs should be avoided. If you use a safeword, or are new to gags, it is a good idea to have a non- verbal signal of distress. This can range from shaking the head in a predetermined fashion, to holding an item in the hand and dropping it when in trouble. For obvious reasons a grunt or moan is not the best option. When finding a gag, check carefully to ensure that no part of it can be bitten or torn off, posing a danger of choking to the bottom. The gagged person shouldn't be left unattended, and a person with a cold, hay fever or blocked nose shouldn't be gagged. Large gags should not be used on someone with Tempero-mandibular Joint Dysfunction (TMJ). TMJ sufferers also should not be required to have their mouth open for extended periods of time. Test a person's limits with a gag (and every gag) before leaving them in place for any period of time. Any person may begin to feel pain with gags, especially large ball gags. This pain can soon become excruciating. Persons with false teeth or bridges should consider removing them before using a gag. Always have a pair of safety scissors or other cutting device on hand when using gags, as emergencies can arise quicker than one expects. *** GRUNTS, MOANS, AND OTHER ODD NOISES (or, Other effects of wearing a gag) Gags are humiliating because of the grunts, moans and other odd noises the bottom makes from behind the gag. Though the gag is also frustrating because you cannot speak, it can also be comforting when experiencing severe treatment for two reasons. First, because you can scream to your heart's content and second, because it gives you something solid to bite on. Being gagged, especially when it is combined with any other type of sensory deprivation, (i.e. being blindfolded or having your ears plugged), makes the bottom extremely aware of their vulnerability and also can make them conscious of the fact that they can easily be turned into no more than just an object if the top desires it. One of a bottom's main fears about being gagged is that anything could happen to them and they wouldn't be able to protest verbally. It's the increased vulnerability and explicit physical control (especially when combined with being bound in some way) that instils this fear. That poses the question of whether, psychologically, something is easier to deal with if you can shout and scream your protests before/while something is being done to you? **** BREATH CONTROL Some people enjoy playing with cutting off their air during heavy scenes. This can be as simple as squeezing someone's neck while you kiss them deeply, or as complex as a full-head latex hood and gas mask over a straitjacket. As your air is cut off, you can feel sensation more intensely; it is also a deeply intimate thing to allow someone else to be in control of the very air you breathe. One simple explanation is that the body's natural reaction as orgasm approaches is shallow, rapid breathing -- just like in breath control. Needless to say, there are many things that can go very wrong; if you pass out and someone isn't there to cut you loose and make sure you're breathing, you can die. Not for novices. One simple way to start is to try squeezing your lover's neck gently as you make love to them. If it feels good, they will let you know, most demonstratively. And you can stop instantly just by letting go. In _any_ form of breath control, it is critical that all equipment be fail-safe, and that the bottom's breathing is only impaired by the top's _direct_ action -- not by anything (noose, gas mask, etc) that would continue to obstruct air if the top (for example) fainted suddenly. Many people die each year practising "autoerotic asphyxiation" -- wherein someone will masturbate while restricting their own breathing, and one night they wait too long to take the bag off their head or release the pressure on their neck, and they black out and die. (Recall Stephen Milligan, the Tory MP). Some think, "Well, just play with a partner, then, if you want to black out." However, losing consciousness, even for a moment, _can_ trigger cardiac arrest. This is why making your bottom black out is almost certainly a much riskier idea than you would think. The same goes for anaesthesia. Sometimes people think, "Hmm, it'd be hot if I could drug my play partner -- like in the movies -- and she'd wake up all bound!" Even if your play partner likes this idea, don't do it. There is no safe way to force someone into unconsciousness; anaesthesiologists spend their lives learning how to do it, with the best equipment, and still mishaps occur. Don't play with ether, or chloroform, or suffocation to unconsciousness... unless you and your partner really want to take a substantial risk of death. More experienced people than you have died. See for more details. **** SENSORY DEPRIVATION I think one of the most important things to watch for with hoods is the "after effects" of using them. The person who has just had a hood removed may be shaky, disoriented, unable to think clearly or to perform simple tasks (i.e. standing up, walking). They may also be unable to communicate these problems. Some people suddenly weep uncontrollably and it's up to the Top to know what they need in that situation. They may seem fine but be experiencing a sense of disconnectedness, and need to be watched carefully and helped where appropriate. These symptoms can last anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours. These symptoms are a surprise to inexperienced (and experienced!! -- every time is different). Since any deprivation of any sense can be considered sensory deprivation, then every time someone puts on a blindfold, they are practising SD. SD is very attractive to many, and a powerful tool that can be used, abused, improved or mishandled. I had my psyche classes, did some research, and from time to time have even worked with interrogators. It has amazing power: constructive, destructive, playful, and useful. It can help one focus (on one thing or many) or it can be used to disorient and warp. And it comes in a million shapes, sizes and degrees. So while some is very light and playful and relatively safe, some can be potentially catastrophic. And let's not forget sensory overload. It's as powerful, if not more so, and everyone seems to forget about it. Although in most respects, it goes hand in hand with SD and often they can overlap. I know I'm being vague and maybe even sounding paranoid. I just want to drive home the point that it can be a VERY powerful tool. I play with it quite often, as well as Sensory Overload. And I recommend some aspects of it to most D/Sers. Just be careful if you are doing anything too heavy or too prolonged. You can feel ecstatic, feel scared out of your mind, feel perfectly normal, be totally confused and lost, or any strange combination of the above after a prolonged or heavy scene. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.1.4 Cutting. Burning. Branding. Wax. Electricity. [ The Prof is writing something on Electricity. Anybody want to cover Cutting, Branding or Wax? ] **** FIRE First of all it's true what your Mum and Dad said -- playing with fire is dangerous. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, just that you should remember it is dangerous. The following is advice from someone who has been a fire performer for fifteen years and has used fire in SM play and public shows for nearly as long. (I always knew those circus school weekends were going to teach me more than juggling and unicycling!) There's a couple of laws of science that it's useful to bear in mind -- fire cannot exist without oxygen and flames burn upwards. Fire against skin - skin will burn if you hold a flame against it for long enough, but that's the secret (and skill) of fire play -- how long? Two seconds is very exciting, four seconds is very warm and six seconds is the longest I've ever managed on myself and I wouldn't risk it on anyone else unless I saw them do it to themselves. I use fire torches for fire play (see below) but I use four in one session, rotating them two at a time so they don't get too hot, and making sure the ones I've just used get some time to cool down. The flames themselves are not actually that hot (the bigger and yellower they are, the cooler they are -- and the more spectacular they look), but the torches and the wicks can get very hot quite quickly and that's what can burn. It's actually safer to put the torch directly and firmly on to the skin -- because you cut the oxygen out between the torch and the flesh there is no flame there. There will be flames at the sides though and they can start to burn the skin either side of the torch, and if the wick is too hot it too will start to burn flesh -- if the wick is starting to glow red then it's probably time to put that torch out and use another one. If the slave is lying flat, it's possible hold the torch in place for longer because in addition to there being no oxygen, the flame is burning upwards and away from the body. It is possible to use the flame underneath (for instance if the slave is standing upright and you use it between their legs or under their arms) -- just not for as long. In my experience though, you don't have to do it for very long, the sheer fear and thrill of fire can have a dramatic psychological effect on a slave, and for a public SM show it's very impressive to most watching audiences. It is worth saying that very minor burns are quite common, but that they *are* minor (not even like catching yourself on an iron or hot pan). * Hair - hair burns very quickly and at a very low temperature, so if you're thinking of using fire to burn hair off, be careful. If the hair is thick it can resemble a miniature forest fire very quickly, and if you've seen the scorched earth after a forest fire then you can imagine what might happen to skin. If I'm using fire to burn a slave's pubic hair away I do it in stages, putting the flaming hair out fairly quickly after it catches. Although it's a great form of play, I wouldn't recommend it for smooth depilation (think of the stubble on burnt crop fields ). * Flames - as I've said the flames themselves are not that hot from fire torches. However, be careful with smaller flames like those from matches, lighters and candles. Because the wicks or other burning areas are much smaller the flames get hotter much quicker, and they are in contact with a much smaller area of flesh. It is easy to burn in this way. * Fire torches - unless you are planning to end your play or show by extinguishing the flames in your own (or your slave's) mouth, then I would recommend the torches used by fire jugglers. They're easy to handle, have big wicks and produce a spectacularly big flame. However, if you do want to put them out in your mouth then you're going to have to have a pretty big one (mouth, that is) to use juggler's torches -- I've done it, but it's not comfortable. The torches I use are hand-downs from an old circus performer and are thin metal rods with plaited lampwick thread (which needs regularly replacing). I've also made temporary wooden ones using doweling wood and lampwick, with the wick stapled on or bound with copper wire. These latter are not ideal, as the wood can burn and the metal in the staples or wire can get very hot indeed. They are okay for a short play though. * Fuel - Paraffin is the safest form of fuel, because it only burns on a wick or if it's vaporised (you can drop a lighted match into a bucket of paraffin and it will go out). Unfortunately, it smells and tastes disgusting and it's fairly slow to light (which may be an important factor if you want to do an SM fire-show at a club or party). I used to use a mixture of paraffin and lighter fuel, but some years ago I found some other stuff (unfortunately, the place I bought it from has long since disappeared and there's no label on my container -- it was sold as "Firewater", and it's relatively odourless and tasteless). Any good circus or theatrical suppliers should be able to get some if they don't have any in stock. It lasts a very long time even with regular use -- I've had a five litre bottle for at least three years, and I've still got half a litre or so left. * Playing outdoors - I've only once played with fire outdoors in an SM scene and it was in Spain with no wind. However as a fire-eater and fire-blower I've performed outdoors hundreds of time. There are two things to watch for. First, the wind -- keep track of which way it's blowing. Indoors, I've blown sheets of flame from my mouth over a slave (keep yourself low and keep their head out of the way and make sure it's a big room), but I'd never do it in a wind -- it's too easy for the wind to blow the flame away from the target. Ordinary body play should be okay though, but to be cautious keep the flame some distance from the slave's head. Second, the temperature outdoors can give you a false perspective on what's hot and what's not. The most serious burns I've had have resulted from outdoor shows where the combination of that false perspective and adrenaline meant that I didn't feel the burns (and the pain) until several hours later. Finally, if you are looking to torture and cause real pain without any lasting damage there are probably more effective things to do than use fire. However, if you like drama and showmanship as part of your play then it's very effective indeed. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.1.5 Body modification. Permanent piercings. Play piercings. **** PERMANENT PIERCINGS The word "permanent" is something of a misnomer in this context, as all piercings can be removed at will and the holes left behind will shrink until they are barely visible. It can be argued that all piercings are erotic, in that if you like piercings, people who have them will become attractive to you just for that reason. However some placements are more erotic than others for the wearer, particularly nipple, clitoris and penis. These areas will become highly sensitised by piercing, and some women with clitoral piercings report being able to reach orgasm when they were previously unable to. Tongue piercings can also be erotic -- they are reputed to give unsurpassed oral sex. Obviously, it will hurt. The intensity of pain will vary from piercing to piercing but it will always be very brief. Most people experience an endorphin rush or "high" which comes on shortly after the needle goes through and can last for a considerable time, maybe several days, so the act of getting pierced can be a reward in itself. Choose your piercer carefully. Ask around for recommendations, and always visit the shop and ask questions before committing yourself. Check that the piercing room is scrupulously clean, and that the piercer wears gloves, and that all equipment to be used has been autoclaved. Insist on a single-use needle, which should be kept in its sterile packaging until the last minute and should be opened in front of you. For any body piercing, the jewellery must be a minimum of 1.6mm thick and the needle should be the same gauge. The piercer should take a helpful and reassuring attitude, and should advise you on expected healing times, and be prepared to offer an aftercare service in the event of any problems. All permanent piercings will require twice-daily cleaning and rotating during the healing period. My personal recipe for this is a warm salt bath, to which a dash of Savlon or other antiseptic has been added. After a good soak, gently clean off any "crusties" that are stuck to the jewellery and turn the jewellery to work the cleaning solution all the way through, then repeat the procedure with plain water. As a finishing touch I always apply tea-tree oil. Different people have different healing rates, but a general rule of thumb is that the deeper the piercing, the longer it will take. *** POPULAR EROTIC PIERCINGS This is by no means an exhaustive list: there are many piercings available which have not been included here, these are just the ones that are most commonly sought for sexual reasons. For more detailed information on these and all other piercings, please refer to the rec.arts.bodyart FAQs at http://www.eskimo.com/~rab/lobby.html * Nipples Healing time 3 to 12 months or longer. One of the more painful piercings, but also one of the more rewarding, most people reporting greatly increased sensitivity and a tremendous boost to their confidence. Nipples can be pierced either horizontally or vertically, with the horizontal placement being the most popular, and there is a large range of different jewellery styles that are suitable for this piercing. Nipple piercings are quite prone to infection, often because people mistakenly think they must be healed by now and start playing with them and switching jewellery before they are ready. Nipples can and frequently do take a *very* long time to settle down properly -- only once the jewellery turns easily within the piercing and the piercing is no longer secreting "crusties" can it be considered to be fully healed. Migration (when the jewellery starts to work its way towards the surface) is much more likely to afflict male nipples than female. * Inner Labia Healing time 1 to 2 weeks or longer. One of the easiest pierces in terms of aftercare. Labia piercings almost never migrate or become infected, and once thoroughly established (6 months or more) it is possible to leave the jewellery out for reasonably extended periods without risk of the hole closing over. A ball closure ring (BCR) is the most suitable jewellery for this pierce. An erotic pierce in that it provides visual interest, inner labia piercings will not necessarily affect the sensitivity of the wearer. * Horizontal Clitoris Hood Healing time 2 to 6 weeks. A popular and attractive female genital piercing which can provide a rewarding amount of extra stimulation. The placement is through the fleshy part where the inner labia join together above the clitoris: unfortunately not all women have a sufficiently pronounced "hood" to carry this piercing. It is also often not recommended for the larger woman, as pressure on the jewellery from the thighs can cause it to twist uncomfortably and may contribute to migration. Many different jewellery styles are suitable for this location, with plain BCRs, teardrop, or D-rings the most commonly worn. * Vertical Clitoris Hood Healing time 1 to 2 weeks or longer. This is another anatomy-dependant piercing with not all women finding it suitable, going in under the thin piece of tissue covering the clitoris shaft and out through the top. Because the jewellery is constantly in contact with the clitoris itself this can be an extremely stimulating piercing, but it can also lead to hyper-sensitivity and discomfort. A curved barbell is probably the most suitable jewellery. * Prince Albert Healing time 1 to 3 weeks. A dick-end job, with the jewellery going in through the urethra and out through the underside of the penis head. The Prince Albert is a much sought- after classic for the gentlemen, being both visually attractive and pleasurable for both partners during sexual activity -- it also has a virtually 100% success rate with problems rarely, if ever, encountered. A ring or circular barbell is usually worn, straight barbells being largely considered unsuitable. * Reverse Prince Albert As Prince Albert but with the jewellery emerging from the topside of the penis. * Ampallang / Apadravya Healing time 8 to 10 weeks. Ampallangs and apadravyas are usually, but not always, pierced through the head of the penis, the ampallang being the one that goes straight through from left to right, the apadravya straight through from front to back. Alternatively, they can be performed further up the shaft. They may or may not go through the urethra: if they do it tends to give a shorter healing time. A straight barbell is the most appropriate jewellery, and it should be of a relatively heavy gauge if the wearer will be having penetrative sex. Some female partners greatly appreciate the extra sensations afforded by these piercings, but roughly equal numbers report finding them uncomfortable. Considered to be slightly tricky piercings to place correctly, some piercers are unwilling to perform them. * Guiche Healing time 6 to 8 weeks. This piercing is almost exclusively male, where it is performed through the ridge of skin between the back of the scrotum and the anus. The perineal area in women does not lend itself to piercing so readily, and this pierce is relatively uncommon in females. The position of this piercing dictates that activities such as cycling and horse-riding are best avoided during the healing period, but once healed the guiche is said to be a very comfortable and stimulating pierce. Pressure on the jewellery during foreplay can increase arousal, and gentle tugging can prolong and intensify orgasm. * Frenum Healing time 3 to 5 weeks. Basically a foreskin piercing, usually performed through the loose flesh beneath the penis head, although some men like to acquire "ladders" of frenums going all the way up the shaft. A straight barbell is commonly worn, but frenums can also be worn with a ring going through the pierce and completely encircling the penis, giving a similar effect to a cock-ring. **** PLAY PIERCING. Play piercing is the temporary piercing of the body in a scene for the sensation produced, rather than to add jewellery. It is done with a needle crossways just under the surface of the skin. The main safety considerations are to avoid infection of the area where the piercing is done, and to avoid getting one person's blood in another, via a used needle for example, which is a high risk for the transmission of HIV and various other diseases. If a person has problems with prolonged bleeding due to haemophilia or medication they may wish to avoid being pierced. * Effect of piercing This varies from person to person and between each piercing. The pain level may be non-existent or quite high. Most people have a strong mental reaction such as an "Endorphin High" regardless of the perceived pain level. What it does to someone's head-space may vary according to factors such as the position they are in and whether they are restrained. Some may avoid piercing due to needle phobias -- others find this makes the scene very powerful for them. * Equipment Rubber gloves: These are widely available from chemists or from other suppliers of safer sex barriers. They are worn by the piercer to keep any traces of blood off the hands, and to keep the skin to be pierced clean. Alcohol wipes: These are widely available from chemists or from the same place as the needles are obtained. They are used to clean the skin to be pierced and so avoid infection. Sharps bin: A strong container to place used needles in, where they may be kept safely until destroyed. These are available from the same place as the needles are obtained, and can be exchanged when needed. Needles: These may be available from a local needle exchange -- call the National Drugs Hotline on 0800 776600 to find out where the closest one is to you. There are also some medical equipment shops that supply them. The type used are the same as used for giving injections and are sharp, designed to break the skin and sterile. They come wrapped and sheathed. They should never be used more than once and should be placed in a sharps bin immediately after use. They come in different sizes and have colour-coded ends. Blue and green are the most commonly used, the green ones being slightly wider and longer than the blue. * Where to pierce Common places where someone may be pierced are the upper arms, upper chest, breasts and back. Other parts of the body may be pierced by those who are more experienced. Places to avoid are joints, and places with many nerves and blood vessels such as the wrists, hands or face. * Preparation It is recommended that the person to be pierced has eaten in order to have reasonable blood sugar levels. For beginners, a laying-down position may be preferable in case of fainting. If the person to be pierced has known problems with prolonged bleeding due to haemophilia or medication they may wish to avoid play piercing. Have the equipment needed handy including a sharps bin where used needles may be discarded and somewhere for other rubbish such as used alcohol wipes. * How to pierce The piercer should wear clean gloves and have the needed equipment to hand. The person to be pierced assumes a suitable position. The skin to be pierced is cleaned with a freshly opened alcohol swab. This is done with strokes in one direction, rather than wiping any germs around. A new needle is unwrapped and unsheathed. (The sheathes may be placed somewhere handy as a check of how many needles have been used). The skin is pinched gently and held. This should be reasonably easy on the fleshy parts of the body recommended above. It may help for the person being pierced to change position. They may also find it easier not to watch the needle enter the skin. It may be preferable to choose a set routine for piercing, so everyone involved knows what is happening at all times. For example: "Breathe in" : Person being pierced takes a deep breath in "Breathe out" : Person being pierced breathes out deeply and slowly "Breathe in" : Person being pierced takes a deep breath in, piercer holds needle against the skin "Breathe out" : Person being pierced breathes out deeply and slowly, piercer pushes the needle through the skin The needles have a slanted tip and are held so the sharp point is against the skin. The piercing is done through the fold of skin that has been pinched and held, pushing the needle through using a gentle pressure. They may be pushed through right up to the plastic barrel and released once in place. If multiple piercings are done, using all of the needles in the same direction in any patch of skin will help avoid the piercer accidentally pricking a finger. * Afterwards The needles are removed by pulling them out gently and they should be discarded in a sharps bin immediately. Some people prefer to re-sheath them in case they ever come out of the bin, or as an "accounting procedure" to make sure no needles are accidentally lost to stab unwary feet at some later date. On the other hand, some people prefer not to re-sheath in order to avoid accidentally stabbing themselves while doing so. There may be slight bleeding, more so if the needles are left in for longer. It may take some time for someone who has been pierced to come down enough to drive or operate power machinery. *Legal issues: I am not a lawyer and so cannot give legal advice but my understanding of the law as it stands is that piercing for decoration or performance art is legal, piercing for pleasure is not. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.1.6 Genitorture. C&B. Parachutes. Breasts. Nipple clamps. "C&B play" stands for Cock & Ball play. "CBT" stands for Cock & Ball Torture. "Genitorture" stands for "genital torture". This is a subject that makes some men clutch their nuts and run in fear, and makes other men instantly erect and greedy for more. The male genitals are at once the most vulnerable and most sensitive part of the male body, so of course many tops enjoy playing with them. Cockrings are rings that go around your cock, typically around the base of it, behind the balls. The penis becomes erect when the blood vessels at its base constrict (because of arousal), trapping blood in the cock and causing it to swell. Cock rings have a similar effect, prolonging erection in most men that use them. (They also constrict the urethra, which will make any orgasm more painful, or even cause ejaculate to back up into the bladder. This is not dangerous unless done repeatedly. Experiment to find out how much tightness is too much.) Most are made of leather, with adjustable snaps, so you can tighten or loosen them to fit (as well as remove them easily). Some are made of rubber. Some are even made of metal, but metal ones can be hazardous; if you put a too- small one on your non-erect cock, your cock may become so erect that you can no longer remove it -- and if it is too tight, it will prevent your cock from softening. This may involve a trip to the emergency room and the use of bolt cutters. No joke. Some cock rings have multiple rings, for behind the balls, around the balls themselves, and around the base of the shaft. Some people like using _lots_ of cock rings, to stretch the balls out away from the body. Safety tips: The broadest guideline is to go slowly until you know how much you can take. If the pain from a particular activity starts to spread into other areas of the body, or if the pain lasts for a long time after the stimulation ends, you have probably gone beyond your limits. You won't reach this point generally if you take your time. As with any SM practice, if you find yourself in pain later, or if you notice any abnormalities in your cock or balls when flaccid or erect, see a doctor. Of course, avoid any practice that seriously wrenches or twists the genitals; there are many ligaments and blood vessels in there, damage to which may make it hard for you to get hard. But the cock and balls can handle light whipping or slapping, provided it is done with care. Of course, cock and ball bondage can be done with leather strips, ribbons, velvet cords, etc. Be as ornamental as you please; tying up an erect cock can create a luscious work of art, and teasing it can be even more artistic. Don't expect C&B bondage to keep a cock hard indefinitely; cocks will usually get soft if not stimulated, and bondage which _will_ keep it hard may be dangerously tight. In any event, be sure you can remove your bondage quickly, as always. A great deal can also be done with female genitalia. Some women love having clothespins on their pussy lips; some love light whipping on their outer labia, or even their clitoris. Sometimes body piercings can be used for bondage; labia piercings can hold a pussy open very delightfully, or clit hood piercings can be tied up out of the way with thread, leaving the clit naked and exposed. Some women like soft fur on their pussy; others like to be alternately soothed and tormented until they can stand no more. Again, go slowly. Do NOT blow into the vagina, whatever else you do - you risk causing an embolism. Don't leave clamps on very long until you know how much your partner enjoys (and how it will feel to her the next day when the scene is over). Too much of one kind of sensation can become irritating quickly; change the stimulation, keep your bottom aroused and surprised. There are all _sorts_ of things that can be used on female genitals; one article I have lists "bamboo skewers, candles, cheese graters, clips, flyswatter, ice cubes, knives, latex squares, leather thongs, massage bongers, rabbit fur, ropes, scalp scrubber, silk, spoons, towels, weights, and whips" as items that can be useful in giving your bottom's genitals a ride they won't forget. (And no, you don't do this until you cause real damage, any more than you do with male genitals. Don't be scraping, scabbing, or scarring -- these are the most sensitive parts of the body you're playing with!) Communication is paramount in female genital play; women's pussies vary as much as any other part of women's bodies (or more), and responses will vary equally dramatically. In general, the same sort of rhythm discussed in the whipping section is useful in cunt play, though if anything the top needs to go even more slowly, as the sensations will be more intense and focused than in almost any other kind of sensation scene. One final titbit: apparently, for many women, a common pre-orgasmic response is for the clit to retreat into its hood. If you are giving your partner some very delicious sensation (possibly combined with some just-right pain) and her clit disappears, DON'T STOP! (Unless you _want_ to avoid her orgasm... don't push this too far, unless your bottom's feet are tied down -- she may kick.) And know your limits; if your bottom really wants an orgasm to end the scene, giving her one may make her EXTREMELY grateful to you, and waiting _too_ long may burn you both out. This is good stuff to negotiate about beforehand in any scene -- how would you like the scene to end? Breaking such an agreement will engender mistrust, but honesty, as always, will help everyone get what they want. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.1.8 Butt plug training. Anal sex. Fisting. [ Anyone want to write a piece on Butt plugs? ] **** Anal sex Anal sex, practised properly, is as safe as any other kind of sex. And people do it because it feels good -- the anus can be an intensely erogenous zone. In fact, far more straight people than gay people practice anal sex! The anus contains more nerve endings than any other part of the male body, and more than any part of the female body except the clitoris. It's no wonder that anal sex is a part of many peoples' sex lives. "Anal sex" can range from simply stroking your or your partner's anus with a lubricated finger, to actually sliding some fingers inside your partner and stroking them, to full anal intercourse. All these things are physically very pleasurable, and if you simply wash your bum, there's nothing repulsive about them. The anal taboo is very old, but there is no necessary medical reason for it if you know what you're doing. If you're concerned about staying clean, by all means make sure you've gone to the bathroom before playing, and wash your bum -- outside and, if you wish, inside, with an enema. If you want to feel clean in order to enjoy anal sex, it's not hard to be as clean as you want. (It is also very important, though, to use safe sex techniques, which I describe a bit further on.) The main guidelines for anal sex are Communication, Relaxation, Lubrication. You see, your anus consists of two rings of muscle, dubbed the external and internal sphincters. Your external sphincter is under your voluntary control -- you can relax it at will. But your internal sphincter is _not_ under voluntary control. If you are tense, your internal sphincter will be tight, and trying to force anything into it will hurt, which will make you (and it) even _more_ tense. So the rule in anal sex is to go slowly; you can't force your way into enjoying it. Communication: talk about what you're going to do before you do it! Don't just roll your partner over and surprise them; they won't be relaxed and it won't be fun. Make sure you are both comfortable with the idea of anal play. Relaxation: listen to your body. If your ass wants to be played with, you will know; if it doesn't, don't rush anything. Lubrication: your anus doesn't lubricate, so you need to use a WATER-SOLUBLE lubricant such as KY Jelly or Probe. Use LOTS of it; it's clean! The more lube you use, the more comfortable you will be. And finally, communication again: if you haven't played with your anus before, the sensations will be intense and strange. You may feel like you are having a bowel movement when your partner slides their fingers out of you; it takes some experience to realise that this feeling is deceptive and that what you're feeling won't result in a soiled bedsheet. It's not enough to just clean your anus, though; your partner should also use a latex barrier (a glove for fingering, a dental dam or a piece of (non- microwaveable) Saran Wrap for licking, and a condom for fucking) when having sex with you. This is true in general, but especially true for anal sex; unprotected anal sex is the riskiest kind of sex with regard to transmitting STDs of any sort. Also, using protection often increases the sensation of safety and cleanliness, which helps many people relax and enjoy the experience more. (Some say that anal play isn't as risky as all that. The facts are that in some cities intestinal parasites, spread by unprotected anal sex, have been considered a serious sexually-transmitted public health problem, with thousands of people infected. Decide for yourself how much risk you want to accept.) And anything that has come in contact with the anus should be cleaned thoroughly (or thrown away, in the case of latex barriers) before coming into contact with the mouth or vagina. I already mentioned that it's not a good idea to force anything. Let me be more emphatic: if you feel pain in your arse while you're having anal sex, STOP. Too-rough anal sex can stress and possibly tear the anal lining, which can lead to very serious infections. Anal sex does NOT mix with force (but see below for how to make it painful safely). And if you find yourself bleeding from the rectum, go see a doctor IMMEDIATELY. (Don't be embarrassed, they've seen it all before... just get yourself taken care of!) That said, I need to clarify what I meant by STOP if you feel pain. That is what you should do: stop moving. The pain may just be your sphincter muscle complaining about stretching a bit, and when you stop pushing it will stop hurting -- and possibly relax some more. If it doesn't stop hurting when you stop moving, THEN you want to pull out (slowly) and take appropriate action. If it does stop, wait a little, then begin again... your arse will let you know if it wants to stop altogether. (So pay attention to it! Getting drunk is NOT a good idea, as you don't want to block out any pain you may feel. The FAQ List No-Prize for Worst Sexual Product goes to an "anal lube" that contained oil (and therefore couldn't be used with gloves or condoms), AND which advertised itself as being best for anal sex BECAUSE it contained benzocaine "for greater comfort"! If anyone did hurt themselves through using it, I hope they sued the hell out of the company.) *** Pain and Anal sex I prefer anal sex to be painful, and have found a few techniques that are at least moderately safe. These don't focus on forcing the sphincter, but pain inevitably makes me clench my arse, so there is often a little force involved. * After my partner has his cock in my arse, he beats my upper back, or bites my neck and shoulders. This is a kind of pain I don't enjoy, but it does make me feel quite submissive, and it combines easily with the anal sex. * I get fucked only after being spanked so thoroughly my arse is raw and tender and the abrasion of his pubic hair against my buttocks is enough to make me whimper. * Ice in my arse immediately before penetration. This works better with fingers or a plug than with a biodick attached to a very cold-sensitive top. (I treasure our time together, but still wince at the heating bill.) * There was also something strange and wonderful involving a steel anal speculum and a violet wand. Painful, frightening, and I want more! * Irritants. Many of the best irritants contain enough oil to damage condoms, so be careful. It may be safest to apply the irritant after the top is done fucking. Suggested irritants: - Mentholatum's "Pain Gel" This is an oil-free ointment meant to relieve sore muscles and arthritis which contains menthol but no abrasives. - Jalapeno pepper juice *** Excess Force There is a high probability of either tearing the sphincter muscle (bad, may lead to bowel incontinence, may need stitches) or else (and much worse) tearing the internal mucosa, which can lead to serious medical problems, including lethal septicaemia or severe haemorrhage if the tear is large enough. The inside of the intestinal tract, like the inner two-thirds of the vagina, is poorly nervated, and pain generally means you are damaging it. If it hurts internally due to "force", you're doing it very wrong and placing yourself in danger of serious and potentially life-threatening complications. **** Fisting Everyone (well, almost everyone) knows what finger-fucking is. Whether in arse or pussy, it's terrifically enjoyable to stroke someone inside. (Fingers up a man's bum, if aimed properly, will tickle his prostate gland, which feels AMAZINGLY good... just a little tip!) And people are generally comfortable with the idea of finger-fucking with more than one finger. But not as many people have been exposed to the idea of inserting a _whole hand_ into the bum or pussy... which is, in simplest terms, what fisting is. Yes, it's anatomically possible, and yes, it's EXTREMELY (so I've heard) pleasurable. That said, it's now very important to explain what fisting is _not_. You do _not_ make a fist and ram it home. Fisting is one of the most intimate and complete ways to touch another human being, and it is something that has to be worked up to slowly and gently. There have been many posts about fisting on a.s.b, talking about the proper technique, the safety concerns, the fantastic feeling of openness and connection, the magical plane that two people fisting can attain... it's an incredibly intense way to make love. I can't do justice to the firsthand descriptions others have written, but I can mention some of the safety concerns. First of all, cut and file all your nails until every finger is as smooth as it could _possibly_ be. Your fingers will be in some very delicate places -- places that may not have pain receptors. You want to make sure you minimise all chance of causing damage. Use latex gloves. AIDS is a matter of life and death. You will probably want to clean your bottom's GI tract out. What else are enemas for? Be gentle with enemas; warm water is best. Don't use detergent in enemas. Some people enjoy putting alcohol in enemas; if you do, use a VERY VERY VERY DILUTED solution, since it will get absorbed _real_ fast, and the bottom won't be able to expel it if they get too drunk. Use LOTS (and I mean _LOTS_) of lube. Push it in with your fingers. Make a huge mess. Get it all over your hand, the back of your hand, between your fingers. Keep applying it as you go. You can't have too much lube. Remember, oil-based lubricants dissolve latex. Some people like KY jelly; others say it dries out too quickly. In the UK, a substance called "Aqueous Cream" is the creme de la creme. Others use "J-Lube," which is a powdered concentrate that when added to water produces incredibly slippery goo; it's sold in veterinary supply houses! (Some people still use Crisco with latex gloves, on the theory that the Crisco is just the best lube, and the gloves don't break down _that_ fast. This is risky, but it's an option.) Go slowly. Start with one finger and work up. DON'T RUSH. Be sensitive to your bottom's feelings. You are trying to persuade part of their body to open for you, to admit part of you deeply inside it. The energy will move back and forth, and you'll ride it, coaxing and pushing, in and out, moving your bottom into a trance. Keep communicating with your bottom; gags, or role-playing where the bottom feels inferior or is told to stay quiet, are not conducive to the kind of relaxation and open empathy you'll need. If your bottom suddenly hits their limit, you'll know; their orifice will clench tight shut suddenly. DON'T PULL OUT. Stay right where you are until the contraction ends, THEN start pulling out. You can pull a muscle or two if you try to back out in the middle of a reaction like that. If this happens, it's OK; you'll know to go slower next time (if you both want to try again). But assuming all is well... When you reach five fingers, you're almost there. Now is when you want to be most sensitive and most aware. Your bottom is going to be flying on pain and pleasure; a sudden flinch and you'll find the bumhole (or whatever) doesn't want you anymore. Respect that, and pull out (slowly!). But if your bottom's bottom wants it, then you'll slip your knuckles inside, folding your thumb inside your fingers, and (so I've been told) your hand will NATURALLY form a fist -- you DON'T need to clench your hand or anything else! Now the real fun begins... explore, entice, pleasure your bottom, who will be in heaven... and when it comes time to pull out, do so slowly and naturally! ------------------------------ Subject: 1.1.10 What steps can I take to reduce the risks in BDSM? "Safety" is (a variant of) the first word of the "Safe, Sane, Consensual" motto, but what, exactly, are we talking about? Who is being made safe from what, and when, where, why, and how is this happening? Furthermore, how do we know that what we regard as safety precautions actually make us safer? How "reality tested" are these precautions? OK, a couple of things: As long as there is something in your life that you don't want to lose or see come to harm, you face at least some degree of risk. (Indeed, this is why someone who has "nothing left to lose" can be so dangerous to those of us who still do have something we care about losing.) This risk can be to your life, your job, your health, your kids, your money, whatever. So the questions emerge: How are those things at risk? What can be done to mitigate that risk? There are obvious risks associated with doing BDSM. Most of these are to one of three general entities: Your physical well-being, your emotional well- being, and the well-being of your relationship with your play partner (and relevant others). That something _could_ go wrong is obvious. People who hang out in the community hear of incidents in which things _did_ go wrong, with results ranging from ruffled feelings to multiple fatalities. (There was the incident in Canada -- I can dig out the reference if you force me to -- about the two people who died after they put both of themselves into bondage and their house caught fire.) There seem to be two general approaches to "risk management" in BDSM. One could think of them as the "proactive" and the "reactive" approach. Both have their merits. In the "proactive" approach, one considers what Bad Things _might_ happen and takes appropriate precautions to reduce their chances of happening. To a certain extent, this is always based on speculation, and thus may not lead us to prepare for events that are of high probability and/or high severity. In the "reactive" approach, one considers what Bad Things _have_ happened, to oneself or to others, and takes appropriate precautions to reduce their chances of happening again. (One of the great benefits of communication opportunities such as this forum is that people can widely report their "incidents" and enable others to learn from them.) Looking at the "reactive" approach, it's useful to play a game I call "follow the pathology." What kinds of Bad Things are actually happening, and to whom, and under what circumstances, and how often? Well, let's see. What do we have reported? First, the overwhelming percentage of BDSM-related fatalities I've heard of have involved someone playing alone. Most of these deaths have involved some form of autoerotic asphyxiation (and one could quite legitimately wonder if auto-erotic asphyx is, strictly speaking, BDSM at all) or involved a self- bondage situation that went awry (in which cases, the poor wretches often suffered and screamed for hours or even days before finally dying; brrrrr). Second, the overwhelming percentage of assaultive/abusive/rape situations I've heard of have involved playing in private with a relative stranger in a low- accountability situation. Psychopaths and other Bad People aren't into delayed gratification, and usually want to get their victims alone quickly -- thus they don't like things like having a few non-play meetings first, meeting to play at a party, etc, and they _really_ don't like accountability mechanisms like Silent Alarms. (I've talked with many people -- mostly submissive women -- who have survived such assaults, and I make it a point to ask them "if your partner had been certain that a third party knew where you were, what you were doing, who you were doing it with, and that you would be checking in with them later, would this assault have taken place?" In every single case so far, the reply has been "no." Some have also reported that the prospective partner called off the play date entirely when they insisted that such a mechanism be in place). Third, intoxication of one sort of another, or from mixed causes, is clearly an "essential co-factor" in many BDSM disaster stories. I've heard any number of stories that have led me to conclude that had intoxicants not been involved, the disaster would almost undoubtedly never have happened. (Don't get me started on my rant about how, but for alcohol abuse, the number of ambulances in service could safely be reduced by half; suffice it to say that I learned _very_ early on in my EMS career that drunk drivers do indeed cause a huge percentage of crashes.) Fourth, every now and then one hears of BDSM being used as a cover for genuine criminal intent. I know of two cases, one of which occurred in the Bay Area, in which Person A tied up Person B and then murdered them. (In both cases, the murderer was caught -- actually, in the Bay Area case, the murderers were a man and a woman.) So, if we're talking about two -- or more -- people who know each other "well enough" and neither is significantly intoxicated, and neither has criminal intent, the risk level drops _way_ down. Provided the people involved give each other good feedback (remember the adage that the first play date with a new partner is the one most likely to go wrong) and that they learn from experience, they may play together quite happily for many years without experiencing what NASA so-very-euphemistically calls "an anomaly" even if they never get any "formal" BDSM training from books, clubs, newsgroups, etc. Still, accidents do occasionally happen, and poor techniques lead to poor outcomes, so it is indeed beneficial for BDSM folks to trade stories regarding what worked for them and what didn't. Regarding what precautions BDSM people should take, I see two general categories, the general and the specific. General precautions are those that apply to most citizens in most circumstances. For example, because there is a certain randomness regarding when and where "emergencies" emerge, it's widely recommended that virtually everybody do things like wear their seat belts, have smoke detectors in their house, learn the basics of First Aid and CPR, etc. (Again, EMS crews see first-hand how people who really were "minding their own business" sometimes nonetheless get zapped, and those incidents leave a lasting impression. It's been more than 20 years, but I still remember responding to one particular call where a drunk came over the centreline and went head-on into a car containing Mom, Pop, and a whole bunch of kids.) Specific precautions have to deal with the unique risks associated with BDSM. Thus we teach things like "get to know the other person before you let them put you in heavy bondage", "keep a pair of EMT scissors in your toybag", etc. Why do BDSM-related safety discussions turn some people off? IMO, it's partly because such discussions "spoil the illusion." Some of us (and, please, nobody take this overly personally; it's not at all my intent to single out or disrespect any specific person) want to come across as "dangerous predators" or something like that. To talk about safety, one usually has to "remove the disguise" for a while, and -- damn it -- doing that reveals the fundamentally decent person inside the "predator" disguise. Another reason safety discussions annoy some people is that a fair number of "us" -- particularly among what I think of as the "cyber-anarchist" folks on the 'net -- are just double-dog bediddley goddamn damned that nobody else is going to Tell Us What To Do regardless of how noble (and usually awfully god- damned self-righteous) their motives are. These people _may_ occasionally -- and often somewhat grudgingly -- concede that there is the odd, minor, technical point of information that they didn't already know and -- again, often somewhat grudgingly -- thank us for sharing that, but don't expect to get loved for bringing that to their attention. God love them all. So where does that leave us? Well, we learn by trial and error and (if we survive the error) we report back on what did and didn't work so well. Over time, a pretty good body of information emerges. Who ultimately decides who is right and who is wrong? IMO, that decision is made by Charles Darwin. Warm regards to all, Jay Wiseman http://www.bigrock.com/~greenery Copyright issues footnote: I wrote this article with the hope that it would be widely read and distributed, and without any particular expectation of financial compensation in return for writing it. Therefore, I consent to the following uses of this essay: 1. It's fine with me if you read it. 2. It's fine with me if you send it, in unaltered form and including this copyright issues footnote, in private e-mail to approriate others. 3. It's fine with me if you post it, as mentioned in point # 2, to newsgroups and closed mailing lists. 4. If you put it up on a private, no-fee-to-access, website, please put it up as mentioned in point # 2 and include a link to the Greenery Press website (www.bigrock.com/~greenery). 5. I do require that you get my specific prior permission before putting this article up on a pay-to-access website, putting it in a book or periodical offered for sale, or otherwise charge for any sort of access to it. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.2.0 "Sane" Playing sanely does not mean giving up the wild, abnormal and extreme. It means paying due regard to possibility of emotional harm, in the same way that playing safely is to do with risks of physical harm. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.2.1 Why is B&D fun? Lots of reasons. For many people, the knowledge that they are helpless, that someone else can do things with their body and they can't prevent them, is a powerful turn-on. "I'm going to make you come and there's nothing you can do about it." It's a very strong statement of trust to let someone bind you helplessly, or even non-helplessly. How erotic, to feel yourself spread open, wanton and wet, and to see your lover kneeling between your legs, ready to use you for their pleasure -- or to pleasure you unendurably.... For others, the simple sensation of bondage feels good. Tight constriction can create very intense stimulation, and lots of tight bondage can be a sensory trip, just as a whipping scene can be. Bondage can feel comforting, pleasantly confining; you don't need to worry about anything, since what can you do? You're all tied up, and all that's left is to enjoy. For yet others, it's a charge to struggle, to let your body lose control. It can really intensify an orgasm when you come with every muscle straining against your bonds, trying to get your hands free to smash your lover's face into your crotch, your body shaking. If you weren't tied down you'd hurt yourself! For me, it's all three of these reasons :-) An especially intense form of bondage is verbal bondage: putting your bottom in some position (spread-eagled, kneeling, whatever) and commanding them not to move... and then tormenting them! One kinky variation on this is as follows: have your bottom hold their hands out in front of them, fingers splayed, each fingertip touching the opposite fingertip. Put a penny between each pair of fingertips so they're holding five pennies. Now order them not to let a single one drop, on pain of some punishment or other, and then go to work! This works best on a hard floor so you can hear the coin drop. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.2.3 Why is S&M fun? Often people outside the scene don't see the appeal in any of the things SM people do that look painful. What's enjoyable about being hit? Where's the fun in getting bruised? Well, think about this. Have you ever had intense sex and afterwards noticed bite marks on your neck of which you had no memory? What happened was your love partner bit you, HARD, hard enough that it bruised you, and all you felt was another jolt of pleasure. If they bit you that hard when you _weren't_ having sex, you would scream "OUCH!!!" because it would hurt a lot! But when you are sexually aroused, your pain tolerance goes way up, and stimulation that you usually feel as pain is now actually pleasurable. This is common knowledge. Another usual explanation is that the brain produces endorphins, natural opiates, to compensate for pain. You actually get high off the sensation. The "runner's high" comes from pushing the body painfully for so long that the endorphins kick in; the rush you get after eating chilli peppers comes from the same source; and that's what makes it enjoyable for SM players to be whipped or spanked or whatever. It's not pain, it's pleasure! All athletes that are "hooked on exercise" are essentially masochists who enjoy stressing their bodies to get that chemical response. So your friend who enjoys being spanked may actually be a lot _less_ masochistic than your average marathon runner! For just this reason, Pat Califia (a very well-known writer and SM player in the Bay Area) uses pain as a reward, when she's topping a masochist. Pain as a punishment can have the reverse effect, when your bottom _likes_ getting whipped! Endorphins are by no means The Single Explanation for why masochists find intense sensation to be desirable. Not every masochist floats away blissfully while being whipped, nor would they all even _want_ to. The ways to experience intense sensation vary from dreamlike rush to stinging ouch to irritating maddening burn to soothing warmth to tears-in-the-eyes throbbing... and whatever the sensation, there is likely someone who enjoys it. Also, pain is a continuum. There are many different kinds of sensation that you can use in your lovemaking -- light scratches with fingernails, open-hand spankings, pinches, squeezes... there are many ways to touch someone, and all of them can be enjoyable. Different people enjoy different levels of sensation; "different strokes for different folks". What may be a wonderfully sensual caress to one person may be practically unnoticeable to another, and what may be a delightful flogging to one person may be no fun AT ALL to someone else. Ongoing negotiation is the secret to finding the happy medium. Some people consider all this absurd. "How could you WANT pain?" The best answer I can give is that some people simply seem to be calibrated differently. They want _more_ sensation; they find the intensity thrilling and exciting, whereas someone else might find it overpowering and agonising. People like different amounts of spice in their food; why not in their sexual encounters? Each person experiences sensation differently, and if you want more, there are safe ways for you to get it. Getting what you want, safely, can make your life much happier. (For much more about sensations and sensation play, I strongly recommend Pat Califia's book _Sensuous Magic_. See Subject 1.6.1) ------------------------------ Subject: 1.2.4 What is 'real' BDSM? Does what I do count? You are an individual. Nobody looks, thinks or feels exactly as you do; even identical twins have their differences. It should therefore not be surprising that every BDSM scene has its own unique style. BDSM can be sexual, exciting, humorous, artistic, healing, calming, magickal (or indeed magical, if you tie your bottom in a box, then pierce it with swords). Or it can be none of these things; for some people sex is intrinsically part of BDSM, while for others it is totally unconnected. BDSM will often involve elements from overlapping sub-cultures: Fetishes: cross-dressing, leather, shoes, bad music Body modification: piercing, tattoos, scarification, branding Alternative sex: water sports, anal, masturbation, fisting Un-trad sexualities: transexual, polyamory, bisexual, celibate Mental alteration: hypnotism, drugs, Pavlovian conditioning, magick Role play: knight/squire, teacher/student, noble/servant Counter culture: Science Fiction, the SCA, Gothic vampires, Anarchism None the less, players and events can often be roughly divided into: Old Leather / East Coast of USA: Players are either dominant or submissive. The only acceptable garb is black leather (shiny metal optional), maybe black rubber or PVC if pushed. New Age / West Coast of USA: Players can switch between roles, either with different partners or at different times. Any garb allowed, as long as it reflects the inner you. [ These are caricatures. Anybody got some better descriptions? ] Neither tradition is right or wrong, merely different. If what you do is SSC, and it feels like BDSM to you, then few reasonable people will object. There are some who feel that there is only 'one true way' to be a dom, a sub, or whatever; and that anybody who does not do it that way is a deluded fake. The men in white coats advise that until these people can be recaptured, your best course of action is to ignore them. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.2.5 Fetishes. Clothing Care. Gender Play. Shaving. Leather/latex/high heels/corsets/cigars/shiny boots. All these things -- erotic clothing or objects of whatever type -- are "fetishes". A fetish is any object which has sexual connotations for you. If it makes you feel sexy to wear it, or to see it on someone else, it's a fetish. There's nothing wrong with having fetishes; in fact, it's a rare person who _doesn't_ have any! Some people are turned on by armpits; some by painted toenails; some by good old lingerie. The techniques of negotiation and communication that I've already talked about can also come in handy in exploring your particular fetishes, whatever they are. Leather is one of the most basic fetishes in the scene. Leather skirts, leather chaps, leather harnesses, leather cuffs, on and on. Likewise for latex. Much of the appeal of these two substances, it seems to me, is in their tightness and their shininess; clothes made out of them enhance your awareness of your sensual self, and restraints made out of them can cling like a second skin. In general, leather and latex are two really big categories of fetish -- and a fetish is defined as something that turns *some* people on; if you have to ask, you probably won't understand! Leather clothes absorb fluids; don't get them wet. Plain water will damage the leather; blood or other bodily fluids will also leave their scent in the leather. You can use saddle soap and water to clean your leather, and neats- foot oil to keep it supple and in good condition. Latex doesn't absorb water-based fluids, but oils will damage it, and prolonged exposure to sunlight will cause it to break down. When putting your latex on, apply lots of talc to yourself and to the insides of your latex; this will make it easy to slide it on. Don't pull the latex with your nails, or it'll rip; likewise make sure you cut your toenails before putting on latex stockings. After removing latex clothes, wash them with water to remove oils, then dry them (and some say powder them) for storage. There are also PVC clothes ("wetlook" clothes), which are usually black, shiny, and stretchy. PVC is basically plastic-coated fabric, and is washable, as well as relatively inexpensive. Of course, good old lingerie can be very arousing indeed. It's often true that a little clothing is even sexier than none at all. Erotic costumes and attire can add a lot of spark to a scene; they can set the stage like nothing else. The mind is the biggest erogenous zone, and role-playing and mock acting can be _very_ hot, whether combined with any other elements of BDSM, or not. As for corsets and high heels: they're both restrictive garments that enhance the curves of the body, and that work really well as part of BDSM play -- they can enhance the domineering tread of a mistress or hobble the steps of a slave. They are some of the classic fetish items. High enough heels can make it altogether impossible to walk, which can be very sexy! Corsets, properly applied, can dramatically change the shape of your body, while intensifying sensation throughout. And corsets and high heels, like any fetish, can be combined with many different kinds of scenes. Other fetishes: dirty jockstraps, boxer shorts on women, formal clothes on men, cowboy gear, uniforms (police/military/what-have-you), nurses' outfits, harem girl attire... the list goes on and on. If it turns you on to wear it or to see your partner wearing it, why not make it part of a scene? (A button I heard about recently: "Are you into casual sex... or should I dress up?") In general with fetishes, anything goes! If you find yourself becoming more involved with a fetish than you want to be, then you can take steps to look at your behaviour and determine if you want to change it. But if you like it, and your partner likes it (or likes that you like it), and if it's consensual all around, then go for it! And if you like fetish clothing, check out the alt.sex.fetish.fashion newsgroup -- it's young, but it's growing... * SHAVING Another fetish many people have is smooth skin, with no body hair. Shaven skin is silky soft, completely and utterly naked, and very vulnerable. Shaven legs, armpits, or genitals can feel very different indeed than hairy ones... and since the name of the game is sensation, naturally shaving and SM can go together! Since shaving is conventionally a female activity, it carries an added charge when men are shaved. It can be at once humiliating and enormously arousing. Many men enjoy shaving themselves in order to play with cross-dressing (dressing as a woman); hence I mention these two topics together. Shaving first. How to shave? Use a sharp razor and a bowl of hot water; splash water over your leg (or wherever) and lather with shaving cream. Then shave _with_ the direction of the hair (i.e. shave down the leg towards the ankle, or shave from the navel towards the crotch); going against the direction of the hair can lead to ingrown hairs when it starts to grow back. Shave with short strokes, dipping the razor frequently in the bowl to remove the hair. If you shave only seldom, you may go through a couple of razor blades doing your legs alone. Some people who shave infrequently use an electric razor first to remove most of the hair, then a hand razor for the remainder and on the sensitive areas. (Electric razors tend to pull hair, and they are most annoying on genitals.) Some people swear by waxing (using sticky wax to pull hair out) or by other non-shaving methods of hair removal; to each their own. Shaving can be part of a scene; I've seen many gay-male SM movies with big male tops forcibly shaving their prisoners, and I've also seen dominatrixes washing then shaving their bottom's asses. (It's hard to reach back there yourself, and being bound while a razor GENTLY strokes your most sensitive region is... well... VERY intense!) Then once they're shaven, you can go on to all sorts of other fun. == Shaving does increase sensitivity definitely, but I think it has a lot to do with the area suddenly being made exposed and unprotected by hair. For that reason I sometimes prefer to let the hair grow back fairly thickly before removing it again, as I find that the contrast gives a more dramatic result. If I maintain myself hair-free over an extended period it starts to feel normal. == Just wanted to mention, on the subject of hair removal, some of us (me for instance) are compulsive "pluckers" i.e. one at a time with tweezers. Makes for a very smooth finish that takes ages to grow back, and the activity is a reward in and of itself. Oh, and the leather thing, it's not just the look and feel, it's also the smell of it that's irresistible. == If you go to your local chemist and look in the section where they keep depilatory creams and waxing strips etc, you'll find a range of "aftercare" products that are designed for use in those sensitive areas. But I don't really like shaving, not because it gives me a rash but because sharp stubble appears within 12 hours or less. Root removal is the only way to go for me. I would recommend tweezers rather than an electric depilator, which is great on legs but the couple of times I've used it on my pubes I've had nasty ingrowths. Stretch the skin slightly, grip the hair close to the root and pull gently, firmly and evenly and the whole hair just lifts out and you won't see it again for weeks. Don't yank, or it'll break off just beneath the skin and may ingrow. But yes, I think the only final solution to unwanted hair is electrolysis. There is actually a chatroom on the topic of hair removal at http://www.hairfree.com/chat Wednesday nights 8.00pm Central time (which I think is about 2.00am for us). == Shaving in a warm (but not hot) bath works well for me... == Depilation for the Terrified, by Kate Body hair -- who needs it ? Well I suppose it does have some potential for fun: I once knew a man who shaved his pubic hair star-shaped and dyed it electric blue. Personally, though, I prefer to be hairless, and this is something I share with many others in the fetish/BDSM community. There is a great deal of attraction in the look and feel of a thoroughly depilated body, and over the years I have researched and experimented with many different methods of pubic hair removal. I thought I'd share some of this knowledge. Shaving was the obvious first method to try. The benefits of shaving are that it's quick and, once you've had some practice, relatively easy, and shaving as part of a "scene" can be especially rewarding as the recently-shaved area will be extra sensitive ... If you haven't shaved before, you should start by removing as much hair as possible either with scissors or better still a beard trimmer. Follow this with a thorough exfoliation preferably with an anti- bacterial and moisturising scrub. There are many suitable products on the market: I use a tea-tree oil based preparation. Rinse off, and apply the shaving medium of your choice; when shaving the genital area it is probably best to use a product that is recommended for sensitive skin. Using a fresh blade, shave with the grain of the hair, rinse off very thoroughly, then repeat the process this time going against the grain. Only go over the area once in each direction as scraping away at it will just make you sore: if the finish is not as smooth as you'd hoped, it's best to wait 24 hours then do it again. The drawbacks of shaving are that sharp, itchy stubble is likely to appear within hours, and once you get into shaving you really have to do it every day to maintain anything like a smooth finish. Shaving also puts you at risk from ingrowing hairs, causing unpleasant pimples, the bane of all depilation enthusiasts; regular exfoliation should help reduce this problem. Some people experience a rash when they first begin to shave; this will get better over time as the skin adjusts. My experiences with depilatory creams have not been happy, and I would hesitate to recommend them to anyone. I've found creams to give the least smooth finish of any method I've tried, and even the ones that are marketed specifically for the "bikini line" can cause some very unpleasant skin reactions when used over the whole pubic area. Both shaving and creams will need constant refurbishment as re-growth is quite rapid. For a longer-term result, root removal is really the only way to go. Waxing is quick and easy, but can bring tears to the eyes. I've found it less than satisfactory for pubic hair although I've had pleasing results using it on my legs. It tends to be a bit too vicious for such a sensitive area; I suspect it takes some skin away with it as well as the hair, and it doesn't necessarily rip all the hair out by the roots. A certain percentage will simply break off at skin level, and may ingrow. Likewise the electric depilator -- great on legs, troublesome on pubes. Far and away my preferred method is to pluck each hair individually with tweezers. It takes ages but can become quite enjoyable, compulsive even, and gives an excellent long-lasting result. Stretch the skin slightly, grip the hair close to the root, and pull gently, firmly and evenly. The entire hair will lift right out, and it'll be weeks before you see any significant regrowth. Don't yank, or the hair will break and that ingrowth problem will raise it's head again. After you've spent hours removing all the hairs you can see, when your run your hand over the area you will realise that there's still plenty left ... these are fine, newly emergent hairs and are best left alone at first as they break very easily. It's best to wait a few days until there's enough to get hold of, then go over the entire area again. The time and patience involved in this method make it an obvious no-no for anyone on a tight schedule -- my schedule isn't particularly tight but even so I can rarely find the time to do a full plucking job and usually resort to shaving, just plucking around my genital piercings where shaving gets tricky. But really I'd like to kiss unwanted hair goodbye for ever, and it was with this end in mind that I found myself sitting in the waiting room of a very plush, private cosmetic surgery clinic, staring at posters about liposuction and breast enlargement, and flicking through the testimonials from satisfied clients all of whom, strangely enough, seemed to have identical handwriting... I found the immaculately coiffed and made-up woman who came to speak to me about laser treatment slightly disconcerting, and kept catching myself staring at her trying to figure out if she'd had a face lift. "So, how does laser treatment compare with electrolysis?" I asked. "Which is the most effective?" "Electrolysis doesn't work" she told me, with a dismissive toss of her head. "Laser is the only permanent method." I told her I'd heard rumours about burning and scarring, which she played down. Apparently they do a test patch first, at a cost of 50 UK pounds. They cover the area to be a treated with a gel, and simply zap it with a laser and the roots are basically burnt out. Most of the hair is said to come off when the gel is wiped away, the rest should fall out over the next week or two. They recommend a second treatment a few weeks later, to take care of any possible re-growth. "It's great," she said, "It's lovely never to have to bother shaving your legs again ..." "Ah, but I'm not actually all that interested in legs" I said. "It's the pubic area I want to know about. Wouldn't the risk of scarring be greater in such a sensitive area?" "Bikini line?" she asked. "All of it" I replied. She really didn't want to go there... she stopped making eye contact with me, and kept dragging the conversation back to legs. I asked for some literature to take home with me, and went off to keep my next appointment, which was with someone who could tell me about electrolysis. "Is it for your legs?" they asked at the electrolysis place. "No, pubic area" I said. "Bikini line?" "All of it." "I'll just have to have a word with the manageress ..." She came back a couple of minutes later. "No, I'm sorry, we've never done that." I tried one last gambit. "But wouldn't you like to boldly go where no beautician has gone before, just in the interests of research...?" "No." At the next place, I didn't have an appointment, but it was just across the road from the first place so I walked in speculatively and yes, they had time to talk to me. The young woman I spoke to was a bit more in tune with my way of thinking. Yes, they'd done that sort of thing before. Several of their clients had been "models" and "actresses", she told me with a flicker of a smile. I'm neither a "model" nor an "actress", but I let that pass because she was obviously catching my drift. "So how does electrolysis compare with laser treatment?" I asked. "Lasers don't work," she said. "Electrolysis is the only permanent method." They use a small device that looks a little like a ball-point pen, with a fine needle in the end. The needle is inserted into the hair root and a mild electrical charge kills the follicle. "Are there any side effects or scarring associated with it?" I asked. "Not really," she replied. "Some people find it a bit upsetting if they don't like needles... " she glanced first at my multiple-pierced ear lobes and then down at the tattoo on my wrist "...but you'll probably be alright". As each hair has to be treated individually, it does take a very long time. Still, at 25 UK pounds an hour it probably still works out cheaper than laser treatment, for which I was quoted 400 UK pounds for a "bikini line," and I think it's probably safer. I really need to find an establishment that offers both services, then I might stand a better chance of getting an unbiased opinion on which is the most effective method. At both places I was very aware that I was talking to people who were trying to sell me something, and didn't want me to take my money anywhere else. One day I might try the laser test patch, but for now, I think I'll just break open a fresh pack of razor blades ... * CROSS-DRESSING About cross-dressing: many men enjoy dressing in female clothes, either because the clothes feel good, look good, or are humiliating to wear. Whatever the reason, there's no doubt that lots of people enjoy this sort of thing. Makeup is often part of this sort of play, as well. Many women also enjoy dressing up as men; switching gender roles can open up a vast range of possibilities. Some people call this "gender-fuck" -- i.e. fucking with one's perceptions of gender, or fucking someone who's assuming a different gender, or both. There is a spectrum of attitudes among those who play like this. Some just enjoy wearing opposite-sex clothes because they feel nice. Some fantasise about actually being a person of the opposite sex, and use those fantasies in their scenes. Some people want to take it to the point of going out in public dressed as, and acting like, the other gender so accurately that they pass -- i.e. are mistaken for the gender that they're assuming. They may find doing this enjoyable because of the fun in faking people out, and/or the thrill of successfully transforming oneself into one's fantasy image. Some people actually feel that their biological sex is fundamentally at odds with the gender they feel themselves to be. They may feel like a man who happened to be born with a woman's body, or vice versa. These people are known as transsexuals, and may have operations to change their bodies and genitals to more closely correspond to the gender they most identify with. Transsexuals are still very widely stigmatised; it is not easy to live in this very gender-based and sex-role-oriented society if you don't conform to the standard pattern, and transsexuals definitely do not. And while many of the kinds of genderfuck I mentioned are "play", transsexuals are not playing; their gender identity is a vitally serious issue to them. (Though when they _want_ to play, there are few people who know more about it :-) It's important to realise that these groups of people are distinct; just because a man enjoys wearing panties underneath his business suit does not mean he has any desire to get a sex-change operation. As with all aspects of human sexuality, gender and gender play encompasses a wide array of levels, and honest communication is the only way to know what a particular person is into. Gender play can be combined with all the other things in this list to create some extraordinarily powerful sex magick. As always, listen to your desires, decide how much you actually want to make real (and how quickly), communicate, and play! ------------------------------ Subject: 1.2.6 Is BDSM insane, unnatural or degrading? Often people approach BDSM with nothing but negative stereotypes in their mind. The will-less slave dominated by the overbearing thoughtless master. The pervert who enjoys being hit because he thinks he deserves no better. These images, negatively charged with connotations of abuse, do not reflect the reality of consensual BDSM. First, were BDSM people abused as children? This is a common stereotype. Straw polls of people on a.s.b seem to indicate no particular pattern of abuse, and there have been very few, if any, scientific studies of the question. Some people see an increased correlation, but there is little actual evidence. This stereotype is usually just _assumed_ to be true, as an expression of BDSM-negativity -- "Oh, anyone who likes that must have been really damaged as a kid." Similar claims were once widely made about homosexuals and homosexuality. (As one data point, I personally wasn't abused as a child, for which I'm grateful. And I'm very into various aspects of BDSM, for which I'm also grateful.) In general, in fact, no one seems to have any idea of why some people enjoy BDSM behaviours or fantasies, and others don't. Rather like no one really knows what determines sexual orientation, or preferred body type, or much of anything else where human sexuality is concerned. The notion of a "normal" sexuality is widely overrated... the range of variations is incredible. Once you actually look at people who are involved in BDSM, and at what they do, you realise that what is actually happening is a powerful expression of love, which expands into sensual realms outside the ordinary. True BDSM is consensual, strengthening, and sustaining; true degradation is _not_. Therein lies the difference, and it is truly an all-important difference. Occasional debates here revolve around the (relatively few) people who practice full-time (24/7 -- i.e. 24-hours-a-day, 7-days-a-week) dominant/submissive relationships. Such relationships require lots of self- inquiry and self-examination to see that both partners are benefiting and growing. Sometimes the claim is made that such BDSM relationships are just ways for the dominant to break down their submissive's will, and to accept abuse because the submissive (according to the dominant, and perhaps also in the submissive's own opinion) deserves no better. (This is essentially what a wife-battering husband does: he takes control of his wife's self-perception, and convinces her that the abuse is the necessary price to be paid for her to remain with him; it is no more than her due. And moreover, she is not to complain.) This kind of relationship is _not_ a consensual BDSM relationship; the dominant in a consensual relationship listens to and respects the limits of their bottom, and does not seek to break down the bottom's personality, but rather to build it up through the kind of relationship that both enjoy and desire. Such relationships almost always contain an "escape clause," such that if the bottom is truly feeling deprived or abused, the bottom can ask to set the roles aside and talk with the top as equals. (In other words, a relationship safeword.) Such concern for clear communication when things don't go well (as well as when they do) is the hallmark of a healthy BDSM relationship. And every text I have read about long-term BDSM relationships stresses the importance of emotional safety issues. (As I mentioned previously, people who have issues around their sense of self should be aware that BDSM is potentially risky in that area. Of course, _any_ relationship is potentially risky for such people....) Doing BDSM as part of a mutual, consensual relationship can be enormously affirming. BDSM can be a way to give yourself to your lover more deeply than you ever thought you could, and can give outlet to fantasies you never imagined could come true. This kind of active, dynamic self-expression can give a tremendous boost to the self-esteem and the psychological well-being of both partners. Getting what you want out of your sex life may not be a cure- all, but it can sure help a lot. I recommend the book _Ties that Bind_, listed at the end of Section 3, to people exploring these issues. (Some call all this doubletalk, denying that _anyone_ could ever _really_ benefit from submitting to a lover whom they trust. All I can say to that is, my personal experience is far otherwise, as is that of many of my friends, and many professional therapists acknowledge that it's quite possible for a submissive in a consensual relationship to be very psychologically healthy. Decide for yourselves whether we are to be believed.) Another root of the negative stereotypes is simple aversion to sexuality in general. The concepts of "limits" and "negotiation" are inherently revolutionary, in a world where many people can't bring themselves to talk about _anything_ related to sex. Yet without understanding these concepts, it's hard to understand BDSM. Everyone who first looks at BDSM needs to do some amount of pushing past their prejudices; for some it's harder than for others. Some people wonder how women into BDSM can consider themselves feminists. Isn't feminism about controlling your sexuality, about not submitting to anyone else, ever? Personally, I believe (and _many_ women on u.p.b agree) that feminism is about empowering women to make their _own_ choices, to live life their own way, without being limited by ideas about what women "should" do or how they "ought" to behave. And in that light, it makes little difference whether the limiting ideas are those of the patriarchal CEO or the "radical feminist" criticising BDSM in _Ms._ magazine; both the CEO and the writer are attacking women's right to do as _they_ choose. Why are the prevailing images of BDSM so negative? There is no doubt that they _are_ negative. Not long ago I was informed that there are some members of the Winnipeg (Canada) police department who believe that alt.sex.bondage is "a textbook on how to torture women for sexual pleasure. It's obscene." Said police were considering how to deal with a.s.b on obscenity grounds. Last year in England, a group of gay men who had gathered for an BDSM play party in which they were using whips for pleasure were arrested and charged with battery, EVEN THOUGH they had all agreed to be doing exactly what they were doing, and WANTED to be doing it. Consensual BDSM is illegal in England. How can this be? The crucial distinction here is between consent and non-consent. The difference between whipping someone in a scene and assaulting them on the street is the difference between sex and rape. If everyone involved agrees to what is happening, it is not a crime. If they do not, then it is. This distinction is not in principle difficult to understand, and being involved in BDSM makes it very clear. BDSM practitioners are _more_ familiar with consent issues than most, and as such are _less_ likely to commit crimes of the sort that people confuse with BDSM. And NONE of the material in this FAQ advocates ANY kind of non-consensual, criminal behaviour. Unfortunately, there are many who would be arbiters of what others may and may not legally consent to do. I believe that consenting adults should be free to do as they wish in the privacy of their homes. There are many who don't believe this is acceptable. It serves them to confuse the issue by claiming "BDSM people are sadistic rapists" when in fact we are nothing of the sort. Criminalising consensual sexual activities (sodomy, BDSM, even prostitution) is an old tradition, but in my view, an unjustifiable one. This problem is exacerbated by the body of "scholarly research" on BDSM and related practices. Almost all the books written about BDSM and other alternative practices in this century have been written by psychologists and therapists (i.e. people outside the scene), and almost all have portrayed BDSM as a dangerous practice, indulged in only by "unhealthy" individuals. The reason? Healthy individuals weren't the subjects being studied; rather, the subjects were all seeking psychological treatment from the authors of the books! The "studies" completely ignored the many well-adjusted, happy people who were also into BDSM. It's easy to conclude BDSM is harmful when your only experience is with psychologically maladjusted BDSM people, and when you aren't interested in presenting a balanced view (as few authors are -- psychologists can be as sexually judgmental as anyone). More recent events in the psychiatric community have shown a change in opinion about BDSM. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Conditions is a document produced by the American Psychiatric Association. The DSM-III, published in the late '80s, classified "sexual sadism" and "sexual masochism" as disorders for which treatment was recommended. The APA, in the DSM-IV, reclassified BDSM as _not_ necessarily a disorder, unless the practice of the BDSM produces clinically significant ongoing emotional trauma, or leads to death, serious injury, or disability. The DSM-IV is recognition by the therapeutic community that BDSM can be practised in a psychologically healthy way. As for "natural": people have practised BDSM behaviours throughout history. Many are the saints who scourged themselves in the name of the Lord. Using intense sensation to reach altered states of mind is a practice as old as humanity itself -- and hence can be considered in no way "unnatural". Our society (as do most societies) tends to ostracise the different. If you don't fit the mould, you're weird and dangerous. People into BDSM don't fit the mould. This is why there is such pressure to remain anonymous in the scene; people have lost their jobs, partners, children, and liberty by having their sexual preferences revealed to their community. This stems from the same source: lack of understanding of what we do and why, and lack of respect for what is different. Of course, there are plenty of people who just aren't into BDSM. (Most people, in fact.) There's nothing at all wrong with not being into BDSM, or with not wanting to be exposed to people who do various forms of BDSM; many people have emotional issues with some kinds of BDSM activities and may be repulsed or disturbed by witnessing them. These people should clearly avoid BDSM (and probably should avoid uk.people.bdsm). I would hope, however, that even these people would manage to learn about consensuality as it relates to BDSM, and learn how BDSM, practised carefully, is not abuse. Some people feel that any power exchange between people is unhealthy. The argument is that giving power to someone else is tantamount to giving away your essential right to self-determination, which must be considered an unqualified evil. Moreover, there is no doubt that many social evils -- wars, abusive relationships, et al. -- derive from one group of people seeking power over another; therefore, the argument proceeds, it is always wrong thusly to seek power. In reality, there are many situations in life in which someone chooses to give some of their power over to another, because they trust that other to use that power wisely. Examples include entering the Army (which regulates your life for the duration of your service); getting married (which is often a commitment to abandon some of your personal autonomy); taking a job (which restricts your choices of how to spend your time); and, of course, entering a BDSM scene (during which your top has authority over what goes on). All these power exchanges are mutually agreed upon, and are mutually beneficial; when they stop being beneficial, the exchange itself should stop. People whose moral codes state that all power exchange -- consensual or otherwise -- is wrong should clearly not be involved in BDSM. Certainly such people have a consistent ethical system that defines BDSM as immoral. Short of such an ethical system, however, it is hard to see how a BDSM relationship is any more intrinsically immoral than a stint in the Army, or a traditional 'death-do-you-part' marriage. As for me, I believe that in a free society, morality requires permitting each citizen to make his or her own choices of how to live, and how to express themselves, including sexually. Sexual rights are human rights. If we lose our freedom to love as we choose, we lose a vital part of what it is to be human. These issues are very controversial, even now. In the 1992 Oregon state ballot, voters narrowly overturned a measure named OR 9, which contained the following paragraph: "State, regional, and local government and their departments, agencies, and other entities, including specifically the State Department of Higher Education and the public schools, shall assist in setting a standard for Oregon's youth that recognises homosexuality, paedophilia, sadism, and masochism as abnormal, wrong, unnatural, and perverse and that these behaviours are to be discouraged and avoided." Homosexuality, sadism, and masochism are neither wrong nor unnatural. All three are consensual ways of living and loving that many people enjoy. They are not for everyone, but nor should everyone be told that they are for no one. Note also how this measure seeks to confuse the issue by grouping homosexuality, sadism, and masochism together with paedophilia, a practice which is in most places legally non-consensual. (It is not my intent to enter here into the debate over whether children are ever capable of fully consenting to sexual acts. Suffice it to say that whether they can or not has no bearing on the fact that adults _can_ consent to BDSM play.) Legislating what consenting adults may and many not do in private is neither healthy nor democratic. (In recent years there has been a spate of articles about how BDSM is entering the mainstream. Madonna's book _Sex_, her movie _Body of Evidence_, and the movie _Exit to Eden_ are examples of this trend. Hopefully this will lead to more people feeling free to express their love as _they_ choose -- so long as it's consensual!) The most extreme forms of BDSM come closest to the line between consent and non-consent. Most BDSM people have established safewords which they will use if need be, though if they've known their partners for long, that's rather seldom. Some people, though, do play without safewords -- whether because they know their partners well enough to stay within their partners' limits and read their partners' responses, or because they enjoy the rush of playing without an escape clause. This latter sort of play is sometimes known as "consensual non-consensuality," and involves scenes in which the bottom literally cannot escape from whatever the top wishes to do. This is very advanced BDSM; it requires exponentially more negotiation and introspection, and even then is hazardous. Not many people do this, or want to, but some people do, and find it exhilarating and uplifting. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.2.7 My fantasies scare me. What if I get too into BDSM? Sometimes people who are attracted by some aspects of BDSM worry that they will immediately go from enjoying spanking and light bondage to fisting and golden showers. Nothing could be further from the truth. BDSM is a blanket term for a huge variety of alternative ways to make love. This FAQ list has outlined some of the possibilities. No one I know enjoys _everything_ on this list; _everyone_ has their own preferences and levels of tolerance. Some like bondage but dislike pain; some like latex but dislike leather; some enjoy piercing but not whipping; some like tickling and nothing else! This means that negotiation is always important in BDSM; you never know what someone's tastes will be until you ask. It also means that whatever your level, however hard the play that you enjoy, there are people out there who share your tastes. Be a dabbler or be a life-styler, or be anywhere in between! And don't worry; the operative word with all of these practices is _pleasure_. If you don't like it, you won't enjoy it, and you won't do it! Some people have fantasies about heavier BDSM trips than they would enjoy in real life. To those people, I say this: fantasies are not reality. It is well documented that many women have rape fantasies from time to time; this does not mean that those women want to be raped. BDSM can involve playing on the edge between fantasy and reality, using that fantasy energy to create something fantastically strong and passionate in the real world; but this does not mean that fantasies are anything but imagination, or that fantasies will become real without your choosing to make them so. If you feel that doing BDSM might make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, or make it harder for you to maintain your sense of self-worth and pride, those are excellent reasons to avoid doing BDSM -- or at the very least to only do those sorts of play that don't tear you down but instead build you up. BDSM is an intense form of relating, and not everyone is ready for that; if you don't think you are, don't do it that intensely -- and if you're not sure, go slowly. What's the rush? Do what you honestly want to do, and what you feel ready for. Some people getting into the scene almost have a mental checklist of stuff they want to try. They spend a year or two burning through the checklist, having a great time, always desperate for the next experience. Then they get to the end of the list, and suddenly they don't know what's next. This can be a very empty feeling. BDSM is not an end in itself, but a means to connect with others; it is ultimately about relating, and about developing yourself. If you are worried about getting "too into BDSM", it means that you are sensitive to your spiritual and sexual development, which in itself means you have less to worry about. Trust your instincts. BDSM is nothing but opening up the powerful energy within us all, and being willing to experience that energy with and through others; it is intimate and loving. Even a hard scene, involving ruthless domination and serious pain, is an act of love, and a very deep one at that; it takes a lot of trust and a strong connection between the people involved to create such a scene. The more aware of Sex Magick you are, the better a communicator and lover you will likely be -- and you don't have to be a heavy player to understand Sex Magick. People who think that all BDSM behaviours are unhealthy or destructive sometimes come out with a claim like, "Just you wait, you may start off by enjoying being spanked, but before long you'll be liking being bruised, dismembered, flayed, and murdered!" This is, simply, ridiculous. While many people do find their tolerance for pain increasing as they do BDSM, many others find no such effect, or even have no interest in experimenting. It seems that for most people, their internal "thermostat," the level of stimulus which makes them hot, is pretty much constant. And certainly I know of no one practising consensual BDSM who perpetrates serious injury on their lovers. The BDSM scene is rife with information about how to inflict intense sensation without causing permanent or unintended damage of any kind. Recognise these kinds of alarmist claims about BDSM as the scaremongering that they are. And finally, after all is said and done, you may _still_ have some fantasies that you recognise as too intense or too contrary to your nature to actually perform in a real-life scene. This is quite common, as well; we all have desires which we recognise cannot be safely fulfilled. Do not do anything that you feel you should not or cannot do, even if the desire remains strong; or at least, if you do choose to explore that desire, go very carefully and be prepared to back off if you find your suspicions confirmed. If it hurts not to fulfil the desire, that's part of what maturity is about -- rejecting desires that pull you into things that are no good for you, while choosing that which will affirm you. And in any case, the process of introspecting, of asking yourself what you want (and what you will permit yourself) and why, can be vital to your growth and your sense of yourself. Life is change, and every choice carries _some_ risk... decide for yourself what path you want to walk. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.2.8 Negotiation. Emotional safety. Care after scenes. Abusers. This "negotiation" concept in the BDSM community simply means open, honest communication about what you do and don't want. Negotiation in this sense is not a bargaining process, where one person is trying to get something at the expense of someone else; it's a win-win technique where you're both talking about what you've done and what excites and doesn't excite you, so you can feel more comfortable and turned on together. It's completely legitimate to talk both about your fantasies and your boundaries -- about what makes you wet, _and_ about what makes you cringe and tense up. Telling your partner about things that you _don't_ want them to do is valuable, as you deserve to have those limits respected... and if you don't tell your partner those things, they may do them, and neither of you will enjoy it. (If you do express your limits, and your partner ignores them, that's non-consensual, and you will want to think hard about whether you can trust your partner. Negotiation can bring these issues into clear focus, which can help.) If you're just getting into BDSM, or just into a new relationship, negotiation is a VERY valuable process. It can be as upfront as "I'd really like to kiss you, does that sound good?" or as nasty as "Tell me your deepest darkest fantasy or I'm going to stop rubbing your cock!" Talking about what you want from your sexual relationships can be difficult at first, but the more you do it the easier it gets and the more you get out of it! And note that none of this is necessarily specific to BDSM; negotiation is useful on all levels in all relationships, whether they involve BDSM or not. Consent is much more than a simple "yes" -- any relationship, and especially BDSM relationships, will do better with lots of honest talk about what you both want, and why, and how much, and what you _don't_ want. There are some who feel that negotiating -- talking -- "ruins the momentum". The image they seem to have is of the lovers who need say no words; every touch, every action, is perfect. That's great when it happens, but it doesn't happen automatically. My personal experience is that talking upfront makes me feel much better about whoever it is I'm with, and much more confident that they won't do something I'm not ready for... this in turn means I can throw myself wholeheartedly into whatever we've negotiated. Plus, as you get to know each other better, you'll know what you like and don't like... because you'll have negotiated it! THEN the momentum REALLY gets rolling! Be communicative. Let your partner know what you want and don't want. Keep the dialogue going; watch your partner, be aware of what she or he is feeling and thinking. Be sensitive. BDSM play, which can (doesn't have to! but can) involve helplessness, intense sensation, and psychological domination, is strong stuff; it can reach deeply into someone's soul and bring up childhood traumas or hidden fears, without warning. Be aware that you are swimming in deep waters, and be respectful, loving, and careful. Don't let this reality scare you away from BDSM, though, if you want to experiment; let it make you more aware and open to what both of you are feeling. Most of all, decide for _yourself_ whether BDSM (or elements of BDSM) has a place in your sex life; don't listen when someone _else_ tells you "BDSM will be OK for you" or "BDSM will not be OK for you". Only you can make that decision. Be honest. If you do not want to do something, don't let your partner pressure you into it. When you begin exploring BDSM, you may often find yourself with a partner who wants something more than you have experience giving, or who's right now in the mood for something that you're _not_ in the mood for. In my experience, it's generally better to say, "Whoa, I think we're wanting different things. Let's talk." Doing a scene when you don't really want to can result in anything from a lukewarm scene to something you just wish was over. There is plenty of time... honesty, and not pushing, will lay a foundation of trust that will stand you in good stead later. After the scene is over, take time to discuss what the scene felt like for each of you. Make sure to listen to your partner and learn how they felt, and thank your partner for playing... after an intense scene, it's really nice to cuddle and connect, rather than stopping abruptly and going home. A scene has a beginning, middle, and end; all three parts are very important. (And not necessarily disjoint; talking about how you feel and what you want can continue right through the whole process!) One especially charged kind of BDSM play is dominance and submission, in which the bottom gives up some of their freedom of choice to the top, who can command them. Though many people with strong boundaries can play like this perfectly safely (and indeed derive enormous happiness and satisfaction from doing it), this kind of play can carry some real emotional risks for people with low self-esteem. The risk is that the dominant will wind up abusing their power, using the D/S dynamic to make the submissive feel ever more worthless and powerless, and hence willing to let the dominant take over more of their independence. If you have issues around your personal sense of self-worth, and if you feel that being submissive (albeit perhaps an enticing idea) might serve to confirm and consolidate your negative self-image, you would do well to think hard about whether D/S play is for you at this stage of your life. The answer may well be "no." (And conversely, if you are considering topping someone who wants to submit because they deserve no better, you might consider whether you want a partner who thinks so little of themselves.) In general, it's imperative for everyone who does BDSM to look hard at their motivations and their boundaries, and to be clear on whether the BDSM (whatever form it may take) is self-actualising or self-destructive. It may not be all black-and-white, either; there may be some particular activities or roles or words that will make you feel unsafe, scared, or worthless, and you may well want to avoid those activities/roles/words. That is exactly what negotiation is for; you have the right to do what feels good to you and avoid what does not, and you have the right to insist your partner respect your boundaries. (This goes for any relationship, of course, BDSM or no.) Domestic Violence in the S/M Community (by Jan Hall) Domestic violence is not the same as consensual S/M. Yet, abusive relationships do exist within the leather-S/M community, as with all groups. Unfortunately, due to our sexual orientation, abused persons who are into S/M may suffer additional isolation and may hesitate to turn to available resources for fear of rejection or of giving credence to stereotypes. No group is free of domestic battering; but fear, denial, and lack of knowledge have slowed public response to this serious social problem. Domestic violence is not restricted to one particular group within the S/M community. A person's size, gender, or particular sex role (top-bottom, butch-femme) is irrelevant; anyone can be subject to abuse. Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over time. It is a pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of dominating, coercing, or isolating another without her or his consent. Because of the intimidation factor, where there is abuse in any part of the relationship, there can be no consent. Defining the Problem: The following questions can help a person to define the problem, which can have characteristics that are physical, sexual, economic, and psychological. Does your partner ever hit, choke, or otherwise physically hurt you outside of a scene? Has she or he ever restrained you against your will, locked you in a room, or used a weapon of any kind? Are you afraid of your partner? Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends? Rape and forced sexual acts are not part of consensual S/M. Battering is not something that can be "agreed" upon; there is an absence of safewords or understandings. Has she or he ever violated your limits? Do you feel trapped in a specific role as either the top or bottom? Does your partner constantly criticise your performance, withhold sex as a means of control, or ridicule you for the limits you set? Do you feel obligated to have sex? Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident? Does your partner isolate you from friends, family, or groups? Has your partner ever destroyed objects or threatened pets? Has your partner abused or threatened your children? Does your partner limit access to work or material resources? Has he or she ever stolen from you or run up debts? Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another? Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close? Is your partner constantly criticising you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self-esteem? Does your partner use scenes to express/cover up anger and frustration? Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you? No one has the right to abuse you. You are not responsible for the violence. You are not alone; connect with other survivors. There are reasons for staying in abusive relations: fear of (or feelings for) the abuser, and lack of economic or emotional resources. If you stay, help is still available. Find out about shelters, support groups, counsellors, anti-violence programs, and crisis lines in your area; ask a friend to help you make these calls. Plan a strategy if you have to leave quickly. Line up friends and family in case of an emergency. Battering is a crime. Find out about your legal rights and options. You can get the court to order the person to stop hurting you through an Order for Protection or Harassment Restraining Order. You do not need a lawyer. We Can Reduce Domestic Violence: Domestic violence does exist in the S/M - leather-fetish community. We can make it clear that we will listen to those who have the courage to speak out. Understand that leaving is difficult. Let the person make his or her own choices. Keep all information confidential. Encourage survivors to take legal action and seek support. Help find safe housing and legal advocacy. Hold batterers accountable and urge them to seek treatment. Deny that drug or alcohol use can excuse battering. Support changes in that person's behaviour. Leather groups in our community are crucial to reducing domestic violence. Invite knowledgeable speakers; lead discussions; print up a list for members of what resources in your area are S/M-supportive. Educate your local legal and social service system about our lifestyle; encourage their appropriate intervention. Safe Link is a clearinghouse for materials and questions about domestic violence, specifically for persons who are into leather, S/M, or fetish sexuality. It offers a list of readings and is currently compiling a roster of supportive speakers, shelters, and therapists, and information on understanding and using the law. Write to Safe Link c/o the Domestic Violence Education Project, National Leather Association, 548 Castro Street #444, San Francisco, CA 94114; or call the NLA at 415/863-2444. (posted by ) BDSM may at times be therapeutic, but it is in no sense a substitute for therapy. It's been said that "you can't take power from the powerless." A healthy DS relationship is grounded in mutual respect, and in the knowledge that both partners are choosing this life in a fully informed, non-coerced manner; the submissive is proud to submit, and the dominant is proud to receive the gift of their submission. It is a very different thing from an abusive relationship in which one partner controls the other partner's entire world, with the goal of making that partner irrevocably and helplessly dependent. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.3.0 "Consensual" Playing consensually does not mean you need a written witnessed agreement every time you play, nor does it mean that once they consent, anything goes. It means only playing with people who are normally considered fit to enter into a binding contract, and only doing things to them while you have a very sound expectation that, were they requested to explicitly indicate their consent to your actions when in a fit state of mind and being neither coerced nor misled, they would do so. The Simple Rules: 1. Don't play with people who can't be held fully responsible for their own actions (e.g. the mad, senile, immature or otherwise incompetent). 2. Know what your partner's limits are -- what they do not consent to. 3. Confirm that they understand any physical and emotional risks involved. 4. Make sure your partner has an unambiguous way to indicate that they withdraw their consent, if they change their mind during the scene. You are responsible for detecting if they fall into a mental or physical state where they are hindered from indicating or choosing to indicate. 5. If you are about to do an action to them which they would have no chance to indicate their lack of consent to before it happened, and there is any doubt that they might not consent, ask them beforehand to indicate their consent explicitly. 6. If at any time your partner, while in a fit state of mind, indicates that they do not consent to your doing an action to them, or that they withdraw consent they previously gave, then don't do it. If you have already started doing it, then stop as soon as safely possible. 7. If your partner is not in a fit state of mind to choose whether to consent or not, which can happen on occasions such as when drunk, asleep, or drugged, then it is your responsibility to make that choice for them. In general you should choose to not play with them, unless you gained their explicit consent beforehand to play with them in this condition. One exception to that would be when a masochist is so high on endorphins that they are in no fit state to judge whether to continue or not, because entering that state was a possible risk of your flogging them, and since you confirmed your partner understood this risk (see rule 2) and they consented in knowledge of it, their consent to let you judge when to stop is strongly implicit. On the other hand, in that situation you also have a duty to stop the scene when warranted, even if they are crying "More!". ------------------------------ Subject: 1.3.1 Safewords. Non-verbal safewords. Implicit safewords. One of the thrills of BDSM is that it can stretch your limitations. If you enjoy this sort of play, you can naturally find yourself trying more and more new things, accepting greater and greater levels of sensation, doing and feeling more than you've ever done or felt before. But the process is slow and gradual, and people are not telepathic. It may be that you are the bottom in a whipping scene, and your top is whipping you, and suddenly it doesn't feel good anymore!! and you want them to STOP!!! That is what a safeword is: a word that means "This isn't working! This scene is going wrong somehow! Please stop!" A safeword needs to be taken seriously. Sometimes you may be playing with a top you don't know that well, and if they do something to you that you don't want, it's important that you have a way to let them know, IMMEDIATELY. Especially if you're tied up or otherwise made helpless. Everyone has their own favourite safeword. I personally use "Yellow!" to mean "Something's too intense; I need you to lighten up, but I don't want to stop the scene," and I use "Red!" to mean "I'm in trouble and I want everything to stop NOW, no more games, scene over, let me outta here!" Some people just have one flavour of safeword, and use "aardvark" or some other weird word they'd never say in the context of a scene. At many parties, the universal safeword is "Safeword!" It's up to you. All it is a safety valve for when things get out of control. If your top doesn't respect your safeword, it's a safe bet that they won't respect other limits of yours, and you will need to decide whether you want to play with someone who doesn't acknowledge your boundaries. Using a safeword can be hard to do sometimes. It's important to realise that no one is perfect, and if you as top do something that squicks your bottom (i.e. pushes beyond your bottom's limits -- "squick" is a recent bit of a.s.b jargon), it doesn't mean you're a bad lover or a bad person. It only means that you ran into a limit you didn't know was there, or you were tired or disconnected and not in tune with your bottom. It happens to everyone from time to time. If you as top feel burned out and want to stop the scene suddenly, or you get a powerful reaction you weren't expecting and aren't sure how to continue, you can use a safeword too; safewords aren't just for bottoms! If you as bottom feel like your top is pushing you, and you don't want to play anymore, it's not fun, that's when you want to use a safeword -- your top will be glad you used it to tell them where you were at. A safeword is just a communication tool, nothing more, nothing less. If you're playing intensely, it may feel hard to stop the scene, to come back from the edge via a safeword... but if you need to, that's what they're for. Some tops deliberately push their bottoms until their bottoms call safeword; this way, the bottom gets the experience of using it. A safeword that's never used can seem unusable, which isn't a good property for a safeword. Sometimes a top will want to gag you, whether because you're being too noisy or they want to increase your helplessness or you've been being impertinent or whatever. You may still want a safeword to let the top know when a rope is too tight or the nipple clamps are pinching or whatever. Some people put a handkerchief in the bottom's hand; if they let go and the handkerchief falls, they know there's something up. I personally use the old SOS signal: three loud yells spaced evenly; "Unh! Unh! Unh!" No gag I've ever seen can stop _all_ noise, and that signal works even if my hands are in mittens or a strait-jacket and unable to hold anything at all. Before playing with someone, it's a good idea to negotiate, not only what safeword you want to use, but how you'll handle it if you need to use the safeword. When you're just getting into SM, it's almost inevitable that some scenes will end prematurely or abruptly. If you acknowledge this possibility in advance, and talk about what kinds of comforting or remedy you might like, it'll make recovering from a mishap a lot easier and more pleasant. And because a scene goes wrong is no reason to think that you or your partner is fundamentally bad or untrustworthy -- mistakes will happen. (If your partner doesn't want to hear your concerns about the mishap, though, or if they belittle or deride your concerns, you may well be unable to avoid future mishaps. If your relationship doesn't learn from painful experience, it may not be ready to handle doing SM. Of course, this kind of processing is a vital part of _every_ healthy relationship, SM or not.) Not every BDSM player uses safewords. Some people into BDSM don't find them useful for the style of play they prefer; more straightforward communication suffices for them. Some partners find their need for a safeword gradually diminishes as they come to know each other better. Some people do BDSM in which the bottom doesn't _want_ to have a verbal escape route, for the duration of the scene. One thing that you will learn about the BDSM scene is that styles vary wildly, and peoples' experiences are astonishingly diverse. But for many people beginning their explorations (and many who've explored enormously), safewords have proved very helpful. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.3.3 Pushing limits, expectations and mistakes, mindfucks [ Can someone write about edge play, hard and soft limits, and what to do when mistakes happen? ] **** Mistakes I agree -- and those are good counter-points. But I wonder why we never see anyone saying to, say, a newbie bottom: "Look, shit happens. You will get hurt. Your top will make a mistake one day. Most of the time, if you have the framework of trust, communication and compassion set up, they won't be fatal errors. But don't kid yourself, it will happen." Or, to a newbie top: "Face it. You're going to fuck up one day. You're going to hurt someone. You won't mean to do it. You'll think you're doing the right thing at the moment. But if you've done your groundwork ahead of time, you'll probably be able to work it through." A few weeks ago I ran a workshop on "Triggers" and the conversation turned to a discussion of what happens when a scene gets royally *fucked*. So I asked the audience two questions: what are a top's responsibilities and what are the bottoms' responsibilities when a scene goes bad? Most of the responses I received with regard to a top's responsibilities were a mindless regurgitation of "give aftercare!" So I asked them questions like: how are you going to handle it if you feel defensive? If you feel like you are being accused or blamed unfairly? What if the bottom is in such a state that s/he refuses aftercare? etc. I was stunned that most of the people (at the least several vocal ones who were talking) hadn't really considered this. And, in fact, the tops who *had been there* and were willing to talk about it were *still angry* about being "accused" of poor topping. And it also struck me (perhaps I'm still projecting) that they felt like they weren't allowed to talk about being accused of bad topping without also earning the label of "BAD TOP" in the process. When I asked about the bottom's responsibilities -- well no one had much to say. During the workshop, I felt as if people didn't really process bottoming or submission as an act that carried its own set of responsibilities. And that struck me as profound evidence of a *major* failure on the part of the scene to give people these kinds of skills. And in fact, it strikes me as *dangerous* that our aim in safety is to discuss ways we can "make it safer and risk-free", since BDSM will never be either of those things. My point is that instead of talking about the thousand and one things we can do to remove pain from our lives, I'd much rather talk about the thousand and one things we can do to *deal* with the pain in our lives. See what sort of mistakes can happen if you don't communicate clearly: * What to do if you screw up as a top? 1. Stop (or, *pause*) the scene or activity. 2. Apologise to the sub and take any steps necessary to restore hir to physical or mental well-being (first aid, comforting, etc.) 3. Problem-solve, if necessary. Figure out what happened and how to keep it from happening again. Make sure both you and the sub feel safe in continuing. 4. Proceed with caution (this applies to deciding to continue that session as well as for future sessions). **** Mindfuck 101 As far as I know, there are no recorded SM-related injuries or deaths resulting from a magic zap finger, pretend chloroform that is really water or a razorblade that is actually a frozen credit card. ;) That's a pretty good safety record. I like it, so I use those kinds of things in mindfuck and role-playing scenes. If you're willing to take at least minimal risks, there is a whole wide list of things you can do to absolutely convince a bound, blindfolded bottom (who doesn't, hopefully, read this newsgroup and hasn't gone to any QSM classes on the subject, chuckle) that sie is being horribly, unsafely injured when in fact nothing of the sort is happening. The Branding Trick: With adequate build-up -- lighting the charcoal hibachi, putting in the fake branding iron you make out of a coathanger (DON'T use this type of metal for real branding scenes!) and tossing a raw hamburger on the coals for the stink of burning flesh, a piece of dry ice struck briefly against the skin makes a very, very convincing "brand". Dry ice safety notes: this stuff will really brand skin in an uncontrolled manner if you leave it in contact more than a second or two. Use gloves while wearing it. Emotional safety note: convincing your sub you will brand hir and then not going through with it for real can be edge play in a way you might not have anticipated. Judge your subject for this mindfuck very carefully; aftercare and reassurance may be needed. Branding safety notes: It is not a good idea to attempt a real branding until you have very thoroughly researched the subject and preferably have the guidance of an experienced brander. If you feel you must play immediately with real branding and no amount of safety precautions will stop you, I suggest beginning your play with lightly heated acupuncture needles, the very slender type. Burns spread drastically in thickness, and their depth depends on the length of your strike and the heat retaining properties of the material you are using, its density, size, etc. Nerve damage is not your friend, and neither is infection. If you break your toys, you cannot play with them any more. 'Nuff said. The Hanging Trick: Tie a standard hangman's noose out of stiff rope, preferably nylon rope, the nasty type that you don't want to use for bondage because it's slick and scratchy and generally annoying stuff. This stuff will hold together better for what you are about to do to it. Carefully cut the thick part of the knot in two. Sew it back together with two strands (one looped pass) of thin cotton thread. When it dangles straight down, it should appear to be an unbroken single piece of rope -- which will have all the tensile strength of two cotton threads. Tie the noose firmly to a beam, put your subbie on a chair and make 'em jump. It's a trust game. Safety notes on the hanging trick: THIS IS NOT 100% SAFE; THIS TRICK DOES CARRY SOME DEGREE OF RISK. Jumping off a chair is not without risk, particularly with something around your neck -- even something with the tensile strength of cotton thread. Padding the floor might be a good idea, and don't let anybody try this trick wearing high heels or slippery stockings. Position the rope so that the bottom of the noose is tight up under the chin, and the thread will break through abrupt pressure on the bottom of the chin. You probably want to do some test runs on yourself (c'mon, thread is cheap), positioning the noose in various places on yourself to understand what the sensation actually is. I have tested this repeatedly on myself and on consenting victims, and even when I deliberately positioned the noose directly over my windpipe, the pressure of abruptly breaking two whole strands of thread did not cause me or anyone else any discomfort. Make sure the other end of the rope is tied firmly to something reasonably heavy. I did a double mindfuck in the QSM class by making somebody else hold the other end of the rope. ;) The Cutting Trick: Blindfold your sub and tie hir down securely to the point that sie cannot easily thrash about (test this first by asking for some struggling or eliciting the struggling reaction). Put on some very loud music in the background, and/or use earplugs on the sub. Now the fun part. Ground yourself out to a violet wand. Put your hands on the metal of a not very sharp knife -- a butter knife or a metal frosting spreader with no edges at all works fine. Start in with the "cutting". The sensation of the electricity running through the blade feels very much like you are being deeply cut with a razor sharp instrument, particularly when the sub has no idea you are using a violet wand and cannot hear the telltale buzzing that will give your trick away. For additional fun, start out the "cutting" on safer areas like the shoulderblades and the ass, and "blot" the "blood" with a damp paper towel. Then go crazy and "slice" their throat, hamstring them on the backs of the joints, and do other things that would be utterly unsafe if you were really breaking the skin with a sharp instrument. Safety notes on the cutting trick: If your sub is not securely tied down, sie may thrash and knock over your expensive violet wand, or get hurt for real if the knife you are using actually has a point or an edge. That's why metal cake frosters with a smooth edge and rounded tip work very well for this scene. The sharper the blade, the more intense the sensation will be because of the smaller area for electrical conductivity, but use your good judgement for safety if you are not sure you are prepared to handle a sharp instrument in a scene like this. Poor tops' cutting trick: Keep a credit card in the freezer. Blindfold your partner and convince them you are cutting them with the nice, safe, chilly frozen plastic. Butter knives work well, too. Since you don't have to use earplugs here, you can keep up a wonderful verbal patter about how good the little subbie is to bleed for you....and of course, you can always throw in a fun "Ooops!" for some additional mindfuck, and sie will go crazy trying to figure out what you did wrong while you had a "knife" to their neck. Fake blood is good, too. Ketchup has a distinctive odor, so don't use it unless your sub has no sense of smell. Bad, Awful, Evil Mindfuck Trick: Securely tie up your bottom. Using cornstarch or paper squares or other props, pretend to snort or ingest a massive amount of "PCP laced crack with an LSD chaser" or whatever potent judgement impairing substance you can make your bottom believe you could obtain. Talk up a good game. Pretend you have the major munchies and you think sie is a great big trussed turkey. Pretend you think the bottom is a CIA spy who has been following you and who needs to be tortured for the location of the alien mothership. If this does not scare hir, sie has not got any sense. Safety notes on the bad, awful, evil mindfuck trick: Well, this one is probably the most horrible, trust-destroying, dangerous trick I could imagine playing on someone. If you do not have a chance to drop the whacked-out psycho persona and explain things before your bottom gets away, you could be doing your explaining from behind bars, and your reputation will be absolute mud when sie gets done talking to your friends in the BDSM community. Prepare carefully, and think hard, before embarking on this one. I've only done this trick once, back when I was a pro-domme, at a client's request to "be scared. REALLY, really, scared. Nobody can scare me, so I don't think you can do it, but try anyhow. I won't be impressed." I gave into temptation and turned raving druggie psycho for the session, *after* I got the guy secured in literal shackles and chains in a gag he couldn't yell through. He said it was the best terror experience of his life. After he wet his pants. Anyhow, don't do this one to your friends, unless you are pretty sure that they explicitly consent to terror and mindfuck, no limits except their physical safety. I also don't recommend using mind altering substances in reality during BDSM scening -- you need every ounce of your good judgement to run a scene or to respond to a scene, and if something goes wrong and you need to be on top of somebody else's physical or emotional safety, it's not a good idea to be fucked up. I do know some experienced players who consent to play under the influence, and that's their choice to take that degree of risk -- but I think it is very, very risky indeed not to have the safety net of a fully functioning brain in case something goes wrong and someone needs to make a judgement call. Oh yeah -- and snorting cornstarch really sucks. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.3.4 Role-playing. Control. Topping from the bottom. Knight/squire, teacher/student, noble/servant, sultan/concubine, pimp/hooker, parent/child, pirate/captive, bully/victim, au pair/delinquent, Ming/Fay Wray, interrogator/Babylon5 hero(ine), Sir Darcy/Gwendoline, guard/prisoner, etc. Any role where one party has power over the other. They can come from any source, and don't even need to match. Roles where there is also duty to obey in one direction, or where there is a duty to protect or improve in the other, add extra dynamics and can make the role-play more interesting. One of the paradoxes of BDSM revolves around consensuality. Everything in BDSM is consensual; although the top is in control, it was the bottom's choice to allow the top to _be_ in control. And since most of the time the top is trying to keep the bottom happy, and since the bottom knows that, isn't the bottom really in control? Yes, if your definition of "in control" is "can stop the scene". The bottom can always opt out, if it's consensual BDSM. But the top can go a long way towards putting the bottom under the top's spell, making the bottom submit to really strenuous bondages or beatings, using the bottom as the top pleases. One friend of mine, for instance, takes great pleasure out of hog-tying his girlfriend with her breasts bound and her hands behind her back and her ankles tied to her ponytail, then putting her on the edge of the bed and sticking his cock in her mouth. She has no choice but to suck it until he comes. Which of them is "in control"? Both of them would say that he is, and both of them are getting off on that fact, so the paradox in practice doesn't matter too much. Furthermore, negotiation can involve give-and-take; the bottom can agree to endure some pain to please the top, and the top can then (say) tie the bottom tightly and tease to the point of orgasm. A particular activity in BDSM can be enjoyable for its own sake, or because it's a favourite sensation of yours, or because it turns your partner on so much to do it to you or with you, or because you want to endure it out of pure stubborn pride. The paradox of control can take many forms. [ Someone else want to address the question of topping from the bottom? ] ------------------------------ Subject: 1.4.1 How to make your own. Cheap toys. Well, here's a tuppence-worth from me... I've just started to try to make some leather clothes, and the cheapest way I've found to get leather is to buy old leather jackets from charity shops. I paid six quid for a blouson-style black leather jacket, which provided more than enough leather for a lace-up top, but the leather is far too thin for making anything involving 'load-bearing' straps, such as harnesses. I got a leatherworking product catalogue from an advert in Exchange & Mart, the UK's perviest publication :-), which has lots of cheap buckles and tools and stuff, but they charge about UKP 2.85 per square foot for thick (belt- quality) hides, with each hide being about 20 square feet (the catalogue is a strange mixture of metric and imperial, so bear with me...) so it'd cost about 57 quid to get a hide. You could make lots of stuff out of that, but the initial outlay seems quite steep. I'll name the catalogue if people are interested, but I think avoiding advertising or criticism of companies might be a good idea. I'm also not sure if they're 'perve-friendly'... Basically, my point is that leather for clothes can be found cheaply, and even I managed to make a functional garment on my first attempt (even if it's not very elegant, more like 'Edward Scissorhands', which is the effect), but 'heavy' leather stuff, like harnesses or equipment, is a lot more expensive and (IMO) harder to work. ** 1. The elastic strap flogger...get an elastic luggage strap from Halfords or similar, and a wooden trowel handle from a garden centre...cut off the hook from one end, then hot glue the cut end into the trowel handle. Then unpeel the plaited outer covering from the luggage strap...and bingo, you have a lovely flogger with hundreds of little rubber strands. Varnish the handle, drill a hole through the top and insert a leather lace. (P.S. you can also make a similar version using real horses tails, if you live near a stables). 2. The "guess which side you are gonna get next" paddle! Get a beach bat from any toy shop...also get a lambskin polisher (for a Black and Decker drill), from any do-it-yourself shop. With a profile saw, re-cut the beach bat to the size of the lambskin polisher, then glue the lambskin to one side, and rub down and varnish the other side. If you wish to, you can tape the handle using leather tape from any drapers store. So, one side is varnished wood, and the other, lovely soft lambskin....you can play all sorts of lovely games with this. 3. An effective ball gag can be made for about UKP 2.50 ..... get a hard red ball from a pet shop, and also a nylon webbing strap about 14" long and 3/4" wide....put a sharp knife blade right through the ball (WITH CARE!!!!!), insert the strap through, and Superglue it in place. Easy! ** Many of the toys displayed for use at our channel meets I made: they range from rope, rubber and leather floggers to wooden paddles and clothes peg and nylon cord 'daisy chains'. The rubber floggers are especially easy to make: Take a piece of broom handle cut to the length you prefer for a handle. If you want a hanging or wrist loop cut a strip of rubber to the required length and stick in position on the handle. Stretch a section of bicycle inner tube over the handle: cut that to the desired length too. Cut along the mould lines you will find on the rubber to give 5 tails (use a very sharp knife or scissors or it will drag). Slide another section of tyre over the first and cut in the same way for a 10 tail flogger. Drive in brass upholstery tacks in whatever pattern you prefer, to secure the rubber to the wood and to provide decoration. Use black paint or marker pen to colour the ends of the section of broom handle. Make sure that you get a tyre that is wide enough to slide over the wood tightly but fairly easily or it can be a real struggle. I got the tyres free from Halfords. They had a pile of punctured ones they had replaced for customers. A new broom handle will give enough wood for several floggers and even with the tacks the whole flogger should not cost more than 50p and an hour's work. You might have to experiment with the length of the tails and handle to find a balance that is right for you. For an even easier but stingy bootlace flogger: collect several long leather laces, double over in the centre and tie together using a loop made from another leather lace. Take a bicycle handle grip, poke a piece of stiff wire (I used a coat hangar) through the end and then bend it over to form a hook. Put the wrist/hanging/tying loop in the hook then close it using a pair of pliers. Pull the wire back out of the handle taking the loop with it and pull the doubled laces back as far into the handle as they will go. Release the loop from the wire and tie a knot in it tight up against the end of the handle grip. Done! Handle grips are available from UKP 1.99 a pair at Halfords: the prices of laces vary but they are cheaper if you can get them as plain ties from a leather shop rather than in pairs in a packet from shoe shops. I find that table tennis bats are too light for paddles but simple patterns cut from softwood work and can then have rubber, leather or fur stuck to them using Evostick. Again you can use round-headed brass or chrome upholstery tacks for decoration and to secure the material more firmly to the wood, and to add extra bite to the paddle. A pattern forming your initials, or a heart or the paddle's name adds interest and personalises your work. Some of the well known D/S books like 'Screw the Roses', and 'The Loving Dominant' have some ideas for kit and I have an American book called 'Kinky Crafts - 101 DIY S/M Toys', from Greenery Press, which has instructions for toys, dungeon furniture etc. It is available through the World Wide Web. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.5.3 Oh my god. My mother just looked in my closet. What do I do? First of all, don't panic. Depending on what was there, and what your mother is like, you may have nothing to worry about. You may need to explain to her what some items are, and you should explain to her that you enjoy what you're doing, that you're not being harmed by it, and that she's got nothing to worry about. Anybody that's come out as gay/bi/lesbian etc. will be familiar with this experience. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.5.4 How out do I 'have' to be? SM Pride. BDSM symbols. You don't have to be out at all. You could restrict your BDSM activities to your own imagination, magazines, looking at internet material. Or, you could be slightly out, posting to this newsgroup, going to BDSM clubs (perhaps in a mask to protect your anonymity). Or you could be slightly more out, and go on SM Pride, the annual march through London in September. Or you could be slightly more out, and wear a BDSM badge or pin. Or you could be hysterically out, introducing yourself to people as "Hello, I'm Brian and I'm a pervert." At the end of the day, the BDSM police are not going to march round to your house and drag you into the limelight. There is no "have to" about being an out BDSMer. It's more like a light bulb... if you don't turn it on, you'll never be able to see what things really look like. If you want to be "out" a certain extent, there is SM Pride. An annual march organised by Countdown On Spanner (see Subject 5.1.1). This takes a high- profile route through the West End of London, protesting about the current legal position of BDSM activities (see Subject 5.1), and showing the powers that be that BDSMers refuse to be ignored. Everyone tends to be in a party mood, and many people dress up in their 'special' outfits, and wave banners, placards, pull pony-carts, cause double-takes, whatever they fancy. The SM Pride weekend contains not only this march, but a huge ball, and an afternoon of BDSM workshops and stalls open to all BDSMers and curious types, organised by SM Gays, SM Dykes, SM Bisexuals and Countdown On Spanner. There is no popular BDSM symbol that has the instant recognition factor of, say, a gay's pink triangle, or a anti-nuclear protester's cross in a circle. There are some slogan badges, most popular seems to be Countdown On Spanner's "Used, Abused and Loved It". The only symbol much used is the Leather Pride Flag. This was designed in America to be a BDSM version of the gay community's Rainbow Flag, and consists of nine stripes with a red heart symbol at 45 degrees in the top left corner. The stripes go purple-black-purple- black-white-black-purple-black-purple. It has been suggested that a symbol for BDSMers on the 'net would be the flag on a 3.5in disk symbol... Other symbols include a crossed ribbon made of black leather, and an emblem: ------------------------------ Subject: 1.6.1 Books "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns", by Philipp Miller and Molly Devon "SM 101", by Jay Wiseman "The Loving Dominant", by John Warren "Sensuous Magic", by Pat Califia Pat Califia, _Sensuous Magic_ (New York, Masquerade Books, 1993). ISBN 1- 56333-131-4, softcover. Pat Califia is a legendary writer about SM behaviour and SM fantasy. This is her latest book and I recommend it unhesitatingly. It is in my opinion hands-down the best how-to book about SM, combining fictional vignettes with sincere, quality information delivered as effectively as possible. If you are into SM, you will learn from this book; and if you liked this FAQ but want more details, this is THE BOOK for you. Order it from Good Vibrations (see the store list below). _Different Loving_, by Gloria G. Brame, William D. Brame, and Jon Jacobs (Villard Books, New York, 1993, ISBN 0-679-40873-8), is a thorough, non- judgmental work describing all aspects of SM sexuality. There are hundreds of interviews and lots and lots of accurate information. If you ever wondered whether there was anyone out there as kinky as you, buy this book, and know you're not alone. It's a survey, not a how-to, but there's lots of safety information in it anyway. 539 pages! The more of it I read, the more impressed I've become. I found several paperback copies of Gloria Brame's Different Loving in Waterstones bookshop, on the Gender Studies and Health shelf. In Chester of all places! So this means people should be able to order it via almost any UK bookshop, if it's not on the shelves in your local Waterstones. Details: Different Loving Brame, Brame and Jacobs, Arrow Books, London, 1988, ISBN 0-09-918392-7, pp539, 127mm x 197mm, UKP 8.99 A brief and excellent introduction to safe SM is _The Lesbian S/M Safety Guide_, edited by Pat Califia and published by Lace Publications (an imprint of Alyson Publications). There is information in here on everything from physical safety to emotional issues to negotiating with bottoms to consensual slave contracts. It's written about lesbians, but very little of the information is actually gender-specific. Excellent. Larry Townsend's _The Leatherman's Handbook II_. This is fairly widely available, and is by all accounts the best resource for gay male SM information. I personally have never read it, but it's widely known. (The first edition is still available, but II contains more information about AIDS and safer sex, so it's probably what you want.) _On the Safe Edge: A Manual For SM Play,_ by Trevor Jacques, with Dr. Dale, Michael Hamilton, and Sniffer. ISBN: 1-895857-05-8 (paperback). This new book comes recommended by many reputable and knowledgeable people in the scene. It's a how-to with lots and lots of safety information. To order directly, call WholeSM Publishing (SAN S1196111) at: (416) 962 1040 (after October 17th) or you can reach the authors at 72624.3533@CompuServe.com _Coming to Power_, by SAMOIS, published by Alyson Press. This is a book about lesbian SM, written by a former Bay Area women's collective. It has a huge spectrum of pieces from hot fantasy to personal history to political pronouncement. Very worthwhile for all who are interested in SM, lesbian or otherwise. Mark Thompson (editor), _Leatherfolk_, Alyson Press. An EXCELLENT anthology about the SM scene in America, from the 1930s through to the present. Focuses mainly on the gay and lesbian SM communities, but contains much worthwhile material for anyone interested in any aspects of SM. _Learning the Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun S/M Lovemaking_, by Race Bannon, Daedalus Publishing Co., 4470-107 Sunset Blvd., Suite 375, Los Angeles, CA 90027. Available by mail from the publisher for $12.95 + $2.50 s/h (CA residents add 8.25% sales tax). Race is a well-known figure in the SM scene, and by all accounts this book is quite comprehensive, describing all aspects of safe SM from the physical to the spiritual. If you liked this FAQ, I'd guess you'd like this book. _SM 101_, published by Jay Wiseman, PO Box 1261, Berkeley, CA 94701. $19.95 will get you this book, which is one of the most thorough and in-depth explorations of SM safety and SM practice I have had the pleasure to read. I would consider this book very valuable for anyone who is wondering "how do I get started?" Jay has many relatively specific examples and tips on how to make your scenes delightful and memorable. He's an opinionated guy, but then aren't we all? You can now get this in the UK from: Books Etc. Ltd 120 Charing Cross Road London WC2H 0JR +44 (0)171 379 6838 Jack Morin, _Anal Pleasure and Health_, Down There Press, Burlingame, CA. This book has the complete lowdown on all aspects of anal sex -- safety, hygiene, emotional issues, you name it. Extremely valuable information, well presented. Robert J. Stoller, _Pain and passion: a psychoanalyst explores the world of S&M,_ 1991, New York et al.: Plenum, X, 306 pp. ISBN 0-306-43770-8. I've heard that this book does an excellent job of revisiting (and refuting) the common Freudian biases against SM, in spite of several far-from-objective judgmental sections. Two other psychoanalytic books dealing with SM (neither of which I've read) are _Dark Eros_ by Thomas Moore and _Masochism_ by Lyn Cowan. _Sadomasochism in Everyday Life: The Dynamics of Power and Powerlessness_, Lynn S. Chancer, 1992, publisher momentarily unknown (but soon to be added), ISBN 0-8135-1808-3. Chancer's book takes a long, hard look at the many social contexts in which one group exercises power abusively over another. It's a fascinating perspective from which to analyse racism, sexism, etc., and there is a fair amount of material about BDSM in the sense it's been described in this FAQ. _Ties that Bind: The SM/Leather/Fetish Erotic Style_ by Guy Baldwin, M.S. I'm lacking complete bibliographic information for this book, which is too bad, as it's a standout. Baldwin is a therapist who sees many people in the SM community. He has a unique healer's perspective on many of the emotional and psychological issues that arise for people in the scene. If you are doing a lot of thinking about whether SM is right for you, or if you're working on your SM with your partner and you want another point of view, do yourself a COLOSSAL favour and buy this book. (You can order it from Mr. S Leathers, or from QSM.) _The Sexually Dominant Woman, A Workbook for Nervous Beginners_, by Lady Green. (Lady Green's book is supposed to be very good for those who barely know where to begin.) [ Someone want to work out URLs pointing to Amazon to order these? ] ------------------------------ Subject: 2.1 What are FAQs? FAQs are Frequently Asked Questions (like that one), plus the answers (such as this one) that have been agreed by the people on the newsgroup. For more information on FAQs read the Usenet newsgroup , or browse the web page The bits inside <> are called URLs (see Subject 2.0 for more information). Bits inside [] are comments by the maintainer, and not part of an answer. The funny ----- lines are part of the RFC1153 digest format defined in ------------------------------ Subject: 2.2 I'm new to the Net. What should I do? Where can I find out more? Since the internet is growing at a rapid rate, this isn't surprising. As with any newsgroup, it is considered polite to read the newsgroup for a period of time before posting anything (this can be anything from a few days to a few months), to get a feel of that group. The finer points of netiquette are outside the scope of this FAQ, but some general rules: 1. Keep your sig to four lines or less, and use a sig separator (-- ) as the first line (that's dash-dash-space-carriage-return, the trailing space is _important_). 2. Quote the text that you are replying to, and any other text that is essential for context. Mark quoted text with a ">" at the start of each line - most decent newsreading software will do this automatically for you. Attribute all quotes ("person wrote:" etc.) properly. 3. Don't use all capitals, it's considered rude because IT'S THE VISUAL EQUIVALENT OF SHOUTING AT YOUR READERS! 4. Please remember that this is UK.people.bdsm, so writing in English is probably a good idea. 5. Read the charter for the newsgroup before posting, so that you know what is and isn't on-topic (no ads etc.) There are a number of FAQs on the subject of netiquette, and any new user should read the newsgroup news.answers.newusers. With the growth of the World Wide Web, there has been the introduction of Search engines such as Yahoo and AltaVista . These are used to search the web (and sometimes newsgroups) for pages and articles of interest for you. ------------------------------ Subject: 2.3 Why does it matter if I post something to an inappropriate group? Because it's considered rude, that's why. Some people pay to download news articles, so you are wasting their money. Your post may also result in you losing your account because people complain to your system administrators, so it's not a good idea. ------------------------------ Subject: 2.8 What can I do if my ISP doesn't take a newsgroup I want to use? There are a number of services that provide free access to newsgroups, most popular amongst these is DejaNews , although you won't see any posts with "X-no-archive: yes" headers in them (this isn't really an issue in most groups, but in ones like uk.people.bdsm where people may not _want_ their articles in a public archive, it is). Some places such as Superzippo offer newsfeeds for a small charge. You can also ask your news administrator to take this group, although some may refuse. ------------------------------ Subject: 2.9 What is IRC? How do I get onto the different nets? "IRC" stands for Internet Relay Chat. To get onto an IRC network, to chat to other people, you need to connect to an IRC server. There are different servers for each network. A list of these can be found at You can use telnet, but may prefer to use a special client, such as mIRC, which is free from ------------------------------ Subject: 3.1.2 IRC There are complete lists of BDSM related channels at: http://members.tripod.com/~kwhiting/irc-ds-bdsm-channels.html http://www.cuffs.com/cguides.htm The following ones have been recommended and have some regulars from the UK: #1-femsubmission&slavesex http://members.aol.com/femsss/ #1-femsubmissionsex #bdsm #bifemdomme #bondage #domination #femdom #femhumiliationsex #gangrapesex #rapesex #slavesex #spanking #submission See Subject 7.2.5 for UK-specific BDSM channels. ------------------------------ Subject: 3.1.4 Web sites - stories http://magenta.com/lmnop/stories/jones/jones.html Nurse Jones' The List http://www.halcyon.com/elf/journals/index-32.html Elf Sternberg's Journal http://magenta.com/lmnop/stories/laylah/laylah.html Blessed be, Laylah Martelli http://www.tpe.com/~mule/shared/bedtime2.htm#characters Amity & Mule's Bedtime Stories http://www.chiark.greenend.org.uk/bdsm/archive/written/garden.txt Trystilarn's Chinese Gardens http://www.chiark.greenend.org.uk/bdsm/archive/written/t-and-j.txt Tom McDermet's The Adventures of Terri and Jennifer http://www.mills.edu/PEOPLE/gr.pages/mohanraj.public.html/Stories/chantelle.ht ml Mary Anne Mohanraj's Chantal http://www.u36.com/jordan/unwrap.html Jordan Shelbourne's Unwrap Party http://www.akashaweb.com/crystal.htm Akasha's Crystal Tears http://www.mit.edu:8001/afs/athena.mit.edu/user/t/h/thomasc/Public/richh/coolt hing.html RICHH's Cool Thing ------------------------------ Subject: 3.1.5 Web sites - other http://weber.u.washington.edu/~humsex/ftpsite.html#bdsm BDSM document archive from the Society for Human Sexuality ------------------------------ Subject: 4.0 What is the UK? The UK is a kingdom off the coast of north-west Europe. It consists chiefly of the island of Great Britain (comprising Wales, Scotland and England) and Northern Ireland, but also assorted territories. It became officially The United Kingdom Of Great Britain And Northern Ireland in 1922 when the rest of Ireland became autonomous. ------------------------------ Subject: 4.1 I'm visiting the UK, do you have any advice? Don't try to bring any published BDSM material through Customs. No matter how mild you may think it is, it's up to the individual Customs officer what they confiscate. The majority of SM paraphernalia is, however, quite legal, although electrical toys may be seized as they may be deemed either weapons or medical apparatus. If you're asked what the whip or crop is, just tell the truth. There's little they can do except embarrass you. In terms of other advice, the UK is known for its changeable weather. Never assume it will be warm, and always bring something waterproof. The individual parts of the UK are so varied as to seem like separate countries, and guidebooks can give more conventional information than we can here. For info on BDSM events, the best thing to do is go to a fetish shop and ask for the latest flyers (if they aren't on display): lists of these are in some magazines available world-wide (such as Skin Two), or see our section on club websites (see 7.2.1). ------------------------------ Subject: 5.1 Is BDSM against the law? This is a difficult question to answer. It has to be yes, and no. A police operation named "Operation Spanner" targeted a group of gay and bisexual BDSMers in the early nineties, because they mistook a home movie of their activities to be a snuff film. When the case came to court, the men pleaded not guilty to charges of causing actual bodily harm on the grounds that they had all consented to the activities. The prosecution could not get any of the men to say it had been non-consensual, and had even tried threatening the "subs" with aiding and abetting actual bodily harm, as they had asked for these things to be done to them. Nevertheless, the judge decided that consent was not a valid defence, and with no other available defence, the men were found guilty. A campaign group (Countdown On Spanner) quickly appeared and started to make a lot of noise about this, and the case went to appeal. The appeal failed, and it went to the Law Lords. The Law Lords upheld the original judgement, but did recommend that the law be changed, and noted that the definition of Actual Bodily Harm by then had changed so much that the original prosecution would not have gone through. The case only refers to activities, such as whipping or caning, that leave marks. Any mark which is "of more than a trifling or transient nature" is currently against the law. The only way to test this, however, is to have another court case. A case cannot go ahead without evidence (the marks themselves are not enough, they have to prove how they were gained) and so unless you have videotapes, and someone gives one to the police, you are probably safe... The case makes no mention to the legal status of consensual bondage, humiliation, role-play, fetishism, watersports, or any other BDSM activities except those which mark. ------------------------------ Subject: 5.1.1 Countdown on Spanner The campaign group "Countdown on Spanner" has been superseded by two groups: "SMPrideOrg (UK)" and "The Spanner Trust". They issued the following notice: COUNTDOWN ON SPANNER CALLS IT A DAY After considerable discussion, the Countdown on Spanner Campaign has resolved to wind itself down and to transfer its assets and energy to the proposed SM Pride Organisation. Campaigners decided that as the Spanner Case was finally over, it was prudent to move on to a new agenda. Activists at its last meeting welcomed the news of the proposed SM Pride venture. And were pleased to be able to actively support this new organisation as a positive celebration of pan-sexual SM sexuality. The Countdown on Spanner Campaigner was founded by Kellan Farshea in 1992 as a pan-sexual activist SM organisation. Its central aims were to raise funds to support the Spanner men; to raise public awareness about SM sexuality; and to promote SM as a valid adult sexuality. Over the five years of its existence it raised over -L-80,000 for the SM rights cause, allowing the Spanner case to be fought through the British judicial system and to the European Court of Human Rights. Although the case was finally lost in the courts, campaigners have argued that in terms of public acceptance of SM, community awareness and political support, the campaign was a brilliant success. It helped to change the political climate regarding consensual adult sex, and helped to create an international SM community. Among the organisations that developed out of this climate was SM Dykes, SM Bisexuals, The Sexual Freedom Coalition, The Annual SM Pride Weekend and The Spanner Trust. As well as thanking every person who ever donated money, time or energy to the Campaign, the campaigners wished to extend a special thank-you to the Central Station in Kings Cross which provided the group with a home for five years. Long time campaign member, Dr Mike Frost said "Despite losing the Spanner Case, I believe that Spanner was a major factor in the recent developing wider awareness and acceptance of SM sexuality in the UK". Ishmael Skyes, author, said "one of the achievements of the campaign was its ground-breaking role in uniting gay, bisexual, lesbian and heterosexual sadomasochists behind one flag". Rob Grover, Erotic Oscar winner, said "SM and Leather groups across the world rallied to the cause and raised over -L-80,000 over the 5 years of the campaigns existence". Kellan Farshea, Founder of the Campaign said "This is obviously an emotional decision but over the years I believe that the campaign has changed the face of sexuality politics in Britain. And through SM Pride, the spirit of the campaign will live on, giving strength and support to sadomasochists across Britain and promoting SM as a valid sexual choice." Whilst the activist vitality of the campaign will be carried in SM Pride.Org, the balance of the monies raised will continue to be held by The Spanner Trust. Under the terms of its deed, it will continue to work in support of SM rights across the world. And any groups that think they may be eligible for such a grant should contact the Trust in writing. For more details about Countdown On Spanner, the forthcoming SMPrideOrg (UK) or The Spanner Trust, contact Kellan at . ------------------------------ Subject: 5.5.0 Play parties These are usually invitation-only, non-commercial events held on private premises. See ------------------------------ Subject: 5.5.1 I want to throw a play party; how do I go about it? [ this section needs quite a bit more. Like how liable are hosts in the UK? ] [ And don't say "Just lift it up and chuck it". ] Here are some suggested rules: 1) Don't intrude on anyone's scene unless you're specifically asked to join in. 2) Men should not ask women for their phone numbers, but should wait for women to offer. (If this isn't a rule, then at the very least, it should be made clear that if a woman doesn't want to give her phone number to a man, he should not pester her or intimidate her about it.) 3) Do not touch anyone without hir permission. 4) If you ask someone if they're interested in doing a scene with you, and sie declines, do not ask again. 5) Don't come to the front door wearing your fetish gear and cracking your whips. Bring your stuff in nondescript bags and change once you're inside. Especially if the party is at someone's private home. 6) If you run into someone you meet at the party out in the real world (tm) don't strike up a conversation with hir, especially not about the party or the scene, unless you are absolutely certain it's okay to do so. (That might be hir boss or vanilla significant other or parents sie's with.) 7) If someone breaks one of these rules, let a host or a dungeon monitor know about it. The offender should either get one warning or be told to leave immediately. If you're told to leave, don't expect ever to be able to come back. 8) Anyone, especially a woman, who attends the party alone should be given an escort to hir car by one of the hosts, or someone the hosts trust completely. ------------------------------ Subject: 5.5.2 I want to attend a play party; what is the etiquette? The etiquette will vary with the party, but basically you need to act with respect for others: don't interrupt a scene (unless the place is on fire or another such emergency), no flogging without permission, all subs are not YOUR subs...and all doms are not YOUR dom. Don't hog all the sausage rolls at the refreshment table...things like that... Ask yourself the following questions: * Is at least one important part of your goal in attending this social event to actually be social and to meet new friends? * Are you comfortable talking and laughing with other BDSM people of all genders, including transgendered people? Shaking hands or giving hugs, again irrespective of gender or appearance? * Do you understand that no one is attending this party to personally entertain you, and that you are responsible for acting like a mature and courteous adult even if you are talking to someone who isn't wearing any clothes? ------------------------------ Subject: 5.5.3 I want to attend a club, but I'm frightened. What's it like? Following on from a conversation I had with a certain subbie at a recent munch, I felt I would like to post my thoughts on first time club-going. Now, this sub was (and still is) curious about the clubbing scene, but her fear of being 'hit on' is stopping her from experiencing this new and wonderful world. I would like to re-iterate what I told her and hopefully encourage many others who may currently be considering going but are finding their fear is taking over. I hope this post will help you to pluck up the courage to visit one, which will hopefully lead to two, and three and on and on (the fun never stops!) As a single femsub, I was nervous, apprehensive (OK, I'm honest -- terrified!) about going to my first club/do at Moonman's Dream several weeks ago and I haven't looked back since... Both prior to and during the event, I was made well aware by the staff that if I had any problems, to run to them immediately and the wally giving me grief would be instantly chucked out. During the time spent at the club, I must have been checked on to 'see if I was ok' at least a dozen times which made me feel incredibly safe and I had a wonderful time :)))))) The organisers of these clubs are very aware that a first-time club event can be a make-or-break situation for a newbie i.e. if it goes badly, you ain't gonna come back and they *want* you to come back. Hence their policy is to make sure you have a good time and feel completely secure. And their policy works! (Big plug for the Desyre Foundation and their crew). The nice thing too of course, is that there really doesn't tend to be any situations where people are 'hit on' by a prat, because the events are so well organised, that prats are pretty well weeded out well before the event or kept a close eye on by the staff during the evening. Hence, a good mix of interesting, lively, like-minded people go to have fun, chat etc. and not to cause anyone any grief. This has ended up being rather a long post (I do ramble a bit on my soap box don't ya know ) but I hope the message is clear -- it's *safe* to go...you're well looked after by the organisers and staff, and it is immense fun! Try it for yourselves...you won't regret it. ------------------------------ Subject: 5.5.4 What does a dungeon monitor at a club actually do? Ten Tips For Novice Dungeon Monitors (Version 1.0) Copyright 1998 by Jay Wiseman. For many years now, play parties have had special people fill the role of "dungeon monitors" -- or DMs for short These people are mainly there to ensure that the party rules are complied with, and to otherwise create a safe space for the attendees. However, DMs are also the delegates of the host, and they both can and should assist the attendees as much as possible in enjoying the party. In the past twenty years, I have been a host or a DM at more than 100 play parties and I have the following words of basic advice to pass on: 1). Know the party rules and the house rules cold. Given that your primary responsibility is to enforce the party rules, this rule may seem pretty obvious, but its amazing how many DMs I've seen who were unclear on the party rules or the house rules. I advise you to look over the rules carefully before you start your shift and to keep a copy of them on you. 2). Don't play or overly socialise while on duty. While you are on duty as a DM, you are there to create a safe space for others, not to play and not to socialise too much with one particular person or group of people. Dont let yourself get distracted. 3. Circulate. If an area hasn't been inspected in the last fifteen minutes, go look at it. Its frequently the case that the party space is larger than you can watch over from one particular vantage point, so "walk your beat". As a rule of thumb, if an area hasn't been checked within the last fifteen minutes, it's time to go take a look. Be especially alert for any sign of intoxication, as many SM-related accidents would not have occurred had not one or more of the people involved been intoxicated. 4. Don't show favouritism (positive or negative) to anybody. It can be very tempting to want to cut your personal friends a bit of slack regarding their compliance with some of the less popular party rules. Don't. If "the word" gets out that there is one set of rules for the friends of the host and the DMs, and another set for the more "lowly" people (and the word will rather quickly get out if this is indeed the case), you have both seriously damaged your credibility and set the stage for hard feelings -- maybe even a confrontation. One of the hardest challenges of DMing is to be scrupulously fair regarding how you monitor a scene done by someone you personally dislike. Again, there can't be two standards. Also, it's unfair to "micro-DM" a scene being done by someone that you dislike. If you can't be fair to all, don't be a DM. 5. Intervene sooner rather than later. Sooner or later, you are going to see somebody doing something that is against the party rules. When this occurs, it might be a good idea to wait a few minutes to see if the behaviour stops. (It frequently does when the people notice that a DM is watching). However, if the improper behaviour goes on for more than a few minutes, it's time to intervene. It's human nature to test limits and to see if the stated rules are the actual rules. Make sure that people understand what the rules are and that complying with them is not optional. If they start to get the idea that complying with the party rules is optional, you can have a real problem on your hands, and the longer this non-compliance goes on the harder it will become for you to correct. Also, correcting an error when you first see it helps preserve the energy of the scene. I have seen scenes ruined by DMs who watched a violation and didn't do something about it until the energy of the scene was nearing its peak. Such a approach can ruin the scene for the participants and earn the DM a (deservedly) bad reputation. Key Point: Nobody benefits when a DM observes improper behaviour and fails to promptly correct it. 6. Intervene gently and diplomatically. Wilful violations of the party rules are actually rather rare. What's far more common is that someone simply doesn't know that a particular activity isn't allowed. Therefore, take a low-key attitude when you approach the people involved. There is almost never a need to create a scene. Among other things, this approach helps preserve the dignity of the people involved. A gentle reminder is almost always all that it needed. (On the rare occasion that something more than a gentle reminder is needed, I strongly recommend that you get the party host before taking action.) 7. Be ready for emergencies. Emergencies may involve either only a single individual -- such as a fainting -- or they may involve the entire party -- such as a power failure or even an earthquake. Make sure you know where the various items of emergency equipment are. Make sure that you know where the exits are and how to open them. 8. Have proper training and equipment. While you are on duty as a DM, you should wear some type of readily- identifiable emblem that signals your role. (Naturally, you should remove this emblem when not on duty). If at all possible, take training in first aid and CPR at least once a year. In addition, you should have some latex or other fluid-proof gloves on your person. A small flashlight and a pair of good-quality EMT scissors are also important to have on your person. 9. Help provide minor assistance with matters such as food, trash, and music. Putting on a play party has been called "the curse of the ten thousand details". While it's not usually your job, strictly speaking, to pick up paper cups and other bits of trash that have been left lying around, or to take care of things like the music or temperature level, or to put out fresh food, you will earn the gratitude of the host if you help out with those tasks as you can without compromising your primary duties. In particular, post- party clean-up is often the hardest part of any play party, so anything you can do to make that task easier will be especially appreciated. 10. Debrief after the party. After a party -- perhaps not immediately afterwards but within a day or two -- talk with the host, the other DMs, and perhaps others who either attended or helped put on the party to discuss what did or didn't work. Were there any especially difficult problems with any particular person? Was some aspect of the party handled especially poorly or especially well? Dont be surprised if every play party has something to teach you. Copyright issues footnote: I wrote this article with the hope that it would be widely read and distributed, and without any particular expectation of financial compensation in return for writing it. Therefore, I consent to the following uses of this essay: 1. It's fine with me if you read it. 2. It's fine with me if you send it, in unaltered form and including this copyright issues footnote, in private e-mail to appropriate others. 3. It's fine with me if you post it, as mentioned in point # 2, to newsgroups and closed mailing lists. 4. If you put it up on a private, no-fee-to-access, website, please put it up as mentioned in point # 2 and include a link to the Greenery Press website (www.bigrock.com/~greenery) and to the Submissive Women Kvetch website (members.aol.com/oldrope/). 5. I do require that you get my specific prior permission before putting this article up on a pay-to-access website, putting it in a book or periodical offered for sale, or otherwise charge for any sort of access to it. ------------------------------ Subject: 5.7 What is the history of the scene in the UK? The Hellfire club, etc. [ Does information on Cynthia Payne, etc. belong in the FAQ? ] _The Woman's Encyclopaedia of Myths and Secrets_, Barbara G. Walker (Harper/Collins, formally Harper and Row) _Intimate Matters_, D'Emilio and Freedman (Harper and Row) _Sex in History_, Reay Tannahill (Scarborough House) ------------------------------ Subject: 6.2 Am I still welcome in the uk.* groups if I don't live in the UK? Yes. Anyone with an interest in the UK is welcome in the uk.* groups, although they should respect the fact that these are a regional discussion forum. Mentioning in passing that things are different in Nebraska is one thing, but ranting on about the Constitution or senators or your TV programmes will not make you many friends. Also if you have little experience of UK politics or current affairs, please don't tell those of us who live here what our country is like -- this may sound obvious, but it does happen!. If you're from the UK and moved away, or are intending to visit, you are also very welcome here, but do see Subject 7.1.7. ------------------------------ Subject: 7.1.1 Its Charter uk.people.bdsm: CHARTER v1.0 written by group proponent: Amethyst Charter: This group is for the discussion of bondage, discipline, Domination, submission and sado-masochism in the UK by those involved in the scene and those with an interest in the scene. I hope that this group will not have the need to enforce strict on-topic discussion but will be a friendly place for those interested or involved in the BDSM scene can get to know one another. However the initial posting in a thread should be on- topic, however much it may wander later. Queries about BDSM practice, tips on safety, discussion of methods and materials, arrangement of related UK meetings and events etc are all on topic. alt.sex.bondage has a policy of allowing explicit fiction, however I feel it may be best to put this off-topic. However announcements when a story has been posted to alt.sex.stories or alt.sex.stories.bondage by a member of the group are allowed. Advertising: Short (less than 20 line) announcements of _UK events_ relevant to readers are permitted; blatant off-topic or commercial advertising (even those related to the group topic and in particular for phone sex, explicit web sites or bulletin boards) are not. If you run a related business you may advertise it in your sig, providing it does not exceed 6 lines total, if you have something relevant to post to the group. Binaries: Binaries are not permitted on this group, they should be posted to alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.bondage. Posts advertising web sites or bulletin boards containing explicit pictures are not welcome, again you may advertise in your sig if you have something relevant to post. Personals: Personals are off-topic. The correct place for personals is uk.adverts.personals. ------------------------------ Subject: 7.1.2 its History Amethyst writes: The creation of uk.people.bdsm started in November of 1996 when I proposed a uk.sexuality hierarchy which would include a bdsm group. This caused uproar mostly because it included the suggestion that uk.gay-lesbian-bi could be rmgrouped and replaced with uk.sexuality.gay-lesbian-bi and I forgot to post it to uk.glb. It was a mistake, sorry. The rest of the ensuing discussion centred around the naming of the group, it was instantly obvious that nobody wanted to use the sex wildcard in case of spamming. There were also worries about propagation of a newsgroup about BDSM, would educational servers carry it etc. There was far more positive response to just a UK BDSM group than for a difficult-to-name uk.sexuality group and hierarchy. So I suggested uk.people.bdsm as a potentially safe name in a reasonably suitable place. The RFD for uk.people.bdsm was sent to Control on the 28th of November 1996. It was finally posted at the end of January 1997. There was now still concern over the name, this time centring around it being too incomprehensible. Finally the RFD was posted on the 25th January 1997. Following are the summaries and rationale... Summary: uk.people.{adult}.bdsm Discussion of bondage, discipline, s/m and D/s in the UK. RATIONALE: This group will allow people in the British BDSM scene to contact one another and discuss matters more pertinent to the UK than other countries such as where to find clubs, shops or specific items and the legal and social implications of expressing an interest in this area in the UK. It can also be used to arrange munches (or meets) around Britain, hope- fully catering not just for the people in London. There is one world-wide group devoted to this area, alt.sex.bondage, but it is unfortunately inundated with spammers and also very American-orientated. It can be very difficult for people in the BDSM scene to contact one another and this group may help many British people find out about their kinks and find others they can discuss them with. Summary of RFD Discussion: The only negative point brought up was in respect to the naming of the group. There was some disagreement as to how obvious it must be made that the content of the group is adult. Thus the choice of names in the vote as to whether to include the term adult or not, other suggestions made were not favoured by the other members of the discussion. It was also pointed out that the group should specify no personals to avoid the problem alt.sex.bondage has had with personals and that the definition of BDSM should include the term discipline. One person asked if it was allowable to vote against a group for reasons of personal taste. However the majority of people supported the group. The three options on the vote form were... 1. Create new newsgroup uk.people.bdsm 2. Create new newsgroup uk.people.adult.bdsm 3. Do not create a newsgroup Voting ended on the 16th March 1997 and the group passed with the results 52 for uk.people.bdsm 19 for uk.people.adult.bdsm 2 for no new group 11 invalid ballots I don't know the precise date it was created, should have been about 1 week after the result was announced, it certainly came into existence before the end of March 1997. ------------------------------ Subject: 7.1.6 Its munches PAST: 1998-02-21: Birmingham - Moonman's Dream [ Anyone want to write a review I can point to? Can anyone write a canonical list of past munches? ] COMING: ? [ see Tanos' events list ] ------------------------------ Subject: 7.1.7 Hi, I'm new to this group. What should I do? Well, hold your breath. It's best to read the group for a while before posting, to get an idea of the tone, content and, ahem, personalities. Some FAQs suggest reading for a month, but with a group like this you'd go mad with frustration. Try to hold out for two weeks, or read about 30 articles. Then the best thing to do, as in polite society, is introduce yourself. Just post a "Hello! I'm new!" message (not in an ongoing thread about plumbing and depilatories!!) and tell us a bit about yourself. The info you put in might include: where in the UK you live, how you identify (gay/straight/bi/dyke/bent/kinky/fetishist/switch/Dom/sub/slave/pet/whatever) and a bit about your interests and fantasies... If you're lucky, and you put some truth in, you may even provoke your own thread... ------------------------------ Subject: 7.2.0 Links - BDSM For non-UK specific BDSM links see Subject 3.1.* Websites often move or change, so link lists are hard to keep current. There is an online version of this list at [ Anyone volunteer to host and maintain this section? ] Pages will probably not be listed if they a) have asked not to be listed, b) are known to be broken, c) are just personal or d) charge for access to all significant content Additionally, sites selling fetish clothing will probably not be listed here (despite that being closely linked to BDSM) unless they also have some BDSM specific content such as personals or dungeon equipment, since there already exists a brilliant guide to UK fetish shops at http://www.awe.com/~jnorth/uk ------------------------------ Subject: 7.2.1 UK BDSM Clubs online http://www.grndlvl.demon.co.uk/ Desyre Foundation Thingfish http://LFF.nixnet.com/ Fetish Fair Nich http://www.tawse.com/ Muir Reform Academy, and The Other Pony Club Sir Guy Masterleigh http://www.best.com/~topdog1/doghouse/index.html Other Kennel Club topdog1@best.com http://www.skintwo.co.uk/rubberball/rubberball.html Rubber Ball online@skintwo.co.uk http://www.backspace.org/torturegarden/ Torture Garden torturegarden@backspace.org http://www.powerhouse.co.uk/powerhouse/smgays/home.htm http://www.dircon.co.uk/powerhouse/smgays/home.htm SM Gays smgays@aol.com http://www.andelain.demon.co.uk/smbi/ SM Bisexuals smbi@andelain.demon.co.uk Mortice Deadlock http://www.corp.demon.co.uk/ Out of Town Klub zoe@corp.demon.co.uk http://members.tripod.com/~wolfPup1/sishome.htm http://www.cablenet.net/~twoboyz/main.htm Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence scott@twoboyz.cablenet.co.uk http://www.backspace.org/fist/ FIST http://www.whiplash.co.uk/lff/voile.htm Club Voile Heather http://www.whiplash.co.uk/boat.htm The Firm info@whiplash.co.uk http://www.fistersdungeon.com/ http://easyweb.easynet.co.uk/~fister/lonreds.htm London Reds - gay men into fisting londonreds@aol.com, fister@easynet.co.uk http://www.powerhouse.co.uk/powerhouse/gummi/home.htm Gummi - gay men into rubber gummi@powerhouse.co.uk http://www.users.dircon.co.uk/~mscmsc/mschome.htm Manchester Super Chain mscmsc@dircon.co.uk http://www.idiscover.co.uk/jewels/Ukgroups.htm List of Transvestite Groups in the UK http://www.westwardbound.com/party.html Divine Inspiration ------------------------------ Subject: 7.2.2 UK BDSM Magazines online http://www.erotica.co.uk/ft/ Fetish Times Pan@cix.compulink.co.uk http://www.skintwo.co.uk/ Skin Two http://www.ritualmag.co.uk/ Ritual Magazine victron@easynet.co.uk http://www.secretmag.com/ Secret rh30096@glo.be http://www.shiny.co.uk/ Shiny newmar@panther.netmania.co.uk http://www.hallucinet.com/blueblood/bb_home.htm Blue Blood black@jps.net http://www.o-mag.com/indexAB.html <> o@cybortronik.com, links@o-mag.com http://www.boudoir-noir.com/index2.html Boudoir Noir [ is this Canadian? Is on sale in the UK ] boudoir@boudoir-noir.com http://www.desire.co.uk/Desire.htm Desire postmaster@desire.co.uk http://www.arc.co.uk/body3/home.html Body Politic : sex & power edition bonnard@arc.co.uk, body@arc.co.uk http://www.januslondon.co.uk/shop/main.html Janus (Janus, Februs, Obey, Privilege, Kane, Phoenix, Blushes, etc) PrivClub@januslondon.co.uk, wletters@januslondon.co.uk http://www.splosh.co.uk/home.htm Splosh! Dave Preston , Hayley <106351.3557@compuserve.com> http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Lights/9921/fcc.html Tied 'n' Teased mistress_alex@geocities.com http://www.thoth.demon.co.uk/html/archive.html Pitiless Camille & Switcher http://www.cyberotic.co.uk/flashart/footsy.html Footsy flashart@cyberotic.co.uk http://www.cruella.com/toc.htm Cruella alien@domina.demon.co.uk http://www.users.dircon.co.uk/~sandmark/smonline/contents.htm Feral sandmark@dircon.co.uk ------------------------------ Subject: 7.2.3 UK BDSM Event Listings online http://members.tripod.com/~Tanos/UKlinks.html UK BDSM links Tanos http://members.tripod.com/~Tanos/BrChains/ Britain in Chains http://www.fetish-net.org.uk/enter.html Fetish Net webslave@fetish-net.org.uk http://public.diversity.org.uk/guides/london/#Daily Daily guide to London's Gay SM clubs Peter Boots http://www.users.dircon.co.uk/~smelf/18/18fet.htm SM Elves Shaun & Elaine http://www.users.dircon.co.uk/~cjm-drw/list.htm rubber clubbing Chris May ------------------------------ Subject: 7.2.4 UK BDSM Web sites - other http://uk.dir.yahoo.com/regional/countries/united_kingdom/ society_and_culture/sexuality/activities_and_practices/bdsm/ Yahoo [ Hey people! Submit your URLs here. It needs fillin' ] http://www.andelain.demon.co.uk/mortice/stories/index.htm http://www.twilight.demon.co.uk/jstories.htm http://www.jadzia.demon.co.uk/fanfic/xmen/mhairie.htm BDSM fiction by UK Authors http://www.beyond2000.co.uk/pallando/BDSM/alchemy.html Some BDSM philosophy http://www3.mistral.co.uk/storm-cloud/menu.htm Savage UK savage@mistral.co.uk http://latches.ppages.com/newslt/euro.htm Humour http://www.zynet.co.uk/wildfire Wildfire embassy@pro-net.co.uk http://www.ijama.demon.co.uk/ijama.htm Ijama webmaster@ijama.demon.co.uk http://www.grndlvl.demon.co.uk/moondream.htm Moonman's Dream andrea , The Moonman http://www.barnsdle.demon.co.uk/span/span1.html Spanner David Barnsdale http://www.users.dircon.co.uk/~k-k/ http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/kellan_farshea/spanneru.htm Kellan Farshea's guide to London Kellan Farshea http://www.ranch.demon.co.uk/ http://194.152.67.65/0001/default.htm Pony Girl's Ranch Pony@ranch.demon.co.uk http://www.erotica.co.uk/cc/index.html Catalogue Connection http://www.expectations.co.uk/ Expectations sales@expectations.co.uk, Neil Hodges http://www.regulation-ltd.co.uk/page001.html Regulation webinfo@regulation-ltd.co.uk http://www.freedom.co.uk/anvil/index1.htm The Anvil nimaster@dircon.co.uk http://public.diversity.org.uk/deviant/frames.htm Deviant's Dictionary Des (Dirk) de Moor http://www.netcomuk.co.uk/~antje_c/blowabout.html Inflatable rubber antje_c@netcomuk.co.uk http://www.swagger.co.uk/otk/ads.htm Miss Lyn's Spanking Personals misslyn@swagger.co.uk http://www.freedom.co.uk/gagg/post_uk.htm Gay Army Gear Group gagg@pbw-co.powernet.co.uk http://www.latexpajamas.com/rub_loc_uk.html Rubber Lover personals squirm@latexpajamas.com http://www.eroticon.no/nicki/b2.html Nicki Lewis's lockable rings Nicki Lewis http://www.hubcom.com/channel/soho/shop/boy/boy.htm http://www.hubcom.com/channel/soho/shop/paradi/paradi.htm Soho Shops Mike Farrow http://www.ghost.co.uk/shani/cybersex.htm Getting it wrong on IRC Shani http://www.webdevelop.com/~suzanne/home2.htm Swinging Parties Suzy Kitten http://www.idiscover.co.uk/jewels/Pr-fr-ch.htm Press for Change ms@jewels.idiscover.co.uk http://www.phszx81.demon.co.uk/munch/ Paul Harrison's UK #bdsm munches list http://artbitch.com/darkside/gallstrt.htm Giga's Art DarkSide@g-i-g-a.demon.co.uk http://home.rednet.co.uk/homepages/hgames/directry/frameb.html 'massage' in the UK harmlesgames@online.rednet.co.uk http://www.demesne.org/Beithe_Eilean/slprgb.html BDSM version of UK game Alex http://members.aol.com/Raihir/ >>Try Stuart at New Age Trading >>stuart@trustu.dungeon.com ------------------------------ Subject: 7.2.5 UK BDSM bulletin boards, talkers, IRC channels, etc. irc://ircnet/bdsm-uk http://www.netmania.co.uk/enquirer/slavery.html dave@the-enquirer.com irc://dalnet/submissionUK http://www.obscure.u-net.com/meets.htm webmaster@obscure.u-net.com irc://dalnet/subUK_scenes irc://dalnet/spankingUK irc://ircnet/gaysmuk http://www.users.dircon.co.uk/~garrick/gaysmuk.htm garrick@dircon.co.uk irc://dalnet/SecretMagazine http://www.secretmag.com/seconirc.htm http://www.moonman.demon.co.uk/chat.htm Moonman's chat room http://www.mrs-silk.com/chat.htm Mrs Silk's chat room mrssilk@mrs-silk.com http://members.aol.com/dominionuk/ukussubdom.htm http://members.aol.com/sublondfem/D-sPage/Index.htm#SocialBits AOL's UK-US Dom-sub chat room and meets See Subject 3.1.2 for non-UK specific BDSM channels. See Subject 2.9 for more general information about IRC. ------------------------------ Subject: 7.3.5 Liberty. UK anti-censorship campaign. Leydig trust. http://www.users.dircon.co.uk/~sfc/ Sexual Freedom Coalition http://users.ox.ac.uk/~liberty/index.html Liberty