Path: nwrddc02.gnilink.net!cyclone2.gnilink.net!cyclone1.gnilink.net!spamkiller.gnilink.net!gnilink.net!nwrddc02.gnilink.net.POSTED!5b729141!not-for-mail Message-ID: From: -^-^spectrum-^^- Newsgroups: soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm Subject: The soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm FAQ list (Part 4 of 6) Date: Sun, 04 Jan 2009 19:45:43 GMT Lines: 627 Organization: Just the FAQs, Ma'am Summary: This contains a list of frequently asked questions in the soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm newsgroup, with non-judgmental, frank, sometimes sexually explicit answers. Read sections that interest you; avoid the sections that do not. Last-modified: 1 January 2002 User-Agent: tin/1.6.2-20030910 ("Pabbay") (UNIX) (Linux/2.4.20-18.7 (i686)) NNTP-Posting-Host: 206.46.31.146 X-Complaints-To: abuse@verizon.net X-Trace: nwrddc02.gnilink.net 1231098343 206.46.31.146 (Sun, 04 Jan 2009 14:45:43 EST) NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 04 Jan 2009 14:45:43 EST X-Received-Date: Sun, 04 Jan 2009 14:45:43 EST (nwrddc02.gnilink.net) Xref: backup.spuddy.org soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm:221276 The soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm FAQ List Where the kinky knowledge resides! Part 4 of 7 This list is posted semi-monthly, on or around the 1st and 15th. Please send additions, suggestions, etc. to johnson_grey@unrealities.com If this posting appears truncated or damaged, contact me, also. The World Wide Web version of this FAQ (which is the prime copy) is at: http://www.unrealities.com/adult/ssbb/faq.htm Please make links to that page, rather than posting separate Web copies of the text of this FAQ. This FAQ list is copyrighted. The full copyright notice appears at the end of each part of the list; please respect it. *The FAQs Themselves* PART 1: 1. What do B&D, S&M, D&S, "top", "bottom" mean? 2. What is a "scene", and what is "negotiation"? 3. What is a "safeword"? 4. When is pain not pain? 5. What are some basics of safe SM, emotionally and physically? PART 2: 6. Is everyone either a top or a bottom? What's a "switch"? 7. How can I learn to be a good top? 8. How can I learn to be a good bottom? 9. Is BDSM sexual? 10. Why is bondage fun? 11. Why is whipping fun? PART 3: 12. What is body piercing? What is "C&B" play, or "genitorture"? 13. What is cutting/play piercing/burning/branding/electrical play? What are "bloodsports"? 14. What is it about breath control? Is it safe to make someone pass out? 15. What are "golden showers"? How about "scat"? 16. Is anal sex safe? Why do people do it? 17. What is "fisting"? PART 4: 18. Does the way I play qualify as "real" SM? What is "real" SM, anyway? 19. What is it about leather/latex/high heels/corsets/other fetishes? 20. What about shaving body hair and/or crossdressing? 21. Why am I defending SM? 22. Is SM degrading or abusive? Were most SM people abused? PART 5: 23. Why is SM taboo, and is SM criminal, unnatural, immoral, unethical, or unhealthy? 24. Isn't the bottom always in control? 25. Can someone _really_ be someone else's slave? 26. What are the "codes"? 27. My fantasies scare me. What if I get too into SM? PART 6: 28. I want to throw a play party; how do I go about it? 29. I want to attend a play party; what is the etiquette? 30. What's the deal with this anonymity stuff? 31. Are SM people being politically and socially harassed? 32. What topics are or aren't acceptable on s.s.b-b? (including, what's s.s.b-b's charter?) 33. I'm sick of certain topics on s.s.b-b. How can I avoid them? Also, what's with all these ads? 34. OK, so I can't post ads to s.s.b-b. Where CAN I post them? 35. I don't have access to soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm; what can I do to get information about the scene? ======================================================================= *18. Does the way I play qualify as "real" SM? What is "real" SM, anyway?* Sometimes on a.s.b, people will post wondering if what they do is "heavy" enough to be worth talking about. How can a mere novice who just got spanked for the first time presume to post about how it felt, when there are people out there who wouldn't even have noticed it? The answer to that is twofold. First, there are an infinite number of ways to play. This is one of the reasons I like SM to mean Sex Magick; Magick doesn't need to involve pain, or intensity, or bondage, or role-playing, or anything at all. Sex Magick is whatever you do that fulfills a fantasy of yours. **There is no right or wrong way to do SM, as long as it is consensual.** If you agree to it, and if it feels good (during and after the scene), it's the right thing for you to be doing. This FAQ list is really just a series of suggestions; take them or leave them, it's totally up to you. (There are players out there who get way heavier than I ever will--into realms that I personally consider unsafe and even a little insane. Heck, for some people, being whipped is an insane idea. But the most important thing is the consensuality and the mutuality of the play--that everyone involved in the play _wants_ to be doing what they're doing, and that everyone can call it quits if need be. What other people think is not relevant; it is _their_ play, and _their_ choice as to what risks they wish to assume.) Second, the "intensity" of a scene has very little to do with the level of "physical sensation" involved. Again, the magic is in the way it makes you _feel_. We were all novices once; we all know the thrill of trying something new, taking your dreams and making them real. _That_ is what makes SM intense and enjoyable--that ineffable rush of new horizons unfolding, the incredible sensation of trusting someone else with your body and your mind, or of receiving the gift of control over someone else. It doesn't matter whether you get there through S or M or B or D or none of the above; once you're there, it's fantastic! AND, it's worth posting about! Sometimes, discussion on a.s.b veers into a heated debate about what is involved in "real" dominance and submission or "real" BDSM play. The fact is, given the diversity of players and playstyles in "the scene"--and in fact the number of _separate_ "scenes" in "the scene"--it is hard to pinpoint any one behavior as the benchmark by which "real" is defined. The principal common thread I can see is that people into SM are seeking to explore their fantasies about power and/or sexuality, to bring some of their dreams into their personal lives. One thing is sure: attempting to set strict boundaries around what is and isn't "real" SM, or what is and isn't "true" submission or pain play or roleplay, is an endeavor fraught with peril. More often than not, people who believe they know the definition of "true" SM are interested in flaming others who disagree, rather than in honestly sharing their perceptions while remaining open to the views of others. As with any labels or preset "norms" of human behavior, one can debate endlessly about whether the "norm" is really "normal", or one can speak from one's personal experience. The latter generally leads to better and more revealing discussions. One topic that does come up in this context, though, is whether only consensual SM is real SM--or rather, whether the term "SM" excludes any behaviors that are not consensual. As I stated in the beginning of this FAQ, I use "SM" here to refer to acts between consenting adults; most a.s.b posters and people in the scene likewise use "SM" as short for "consensual SM." There is no doubt that many people who practice consensual BDSM enjoy fantasies involving acts of nonconsensual bondage, dominance, submission, sadism, and/or masochism. But when it comes to real life, consent is of fundamental importance. A story may include nonconsensual acts and yet be an SM story; an SM relationship can become abusive while remaining an SM relationship; but when people here on a.s.b and in the larger scene talk about SM as it ought to be and should be (and in my experience, as it usually is), they mean consensual, healthy SM. Some people state, "SM originally referred to the practices described in the writing of the Marquis de Sade [to whom consent was irrelevant], so modern SM people are lying when they say consent is important in 'real' SM!" They're simply playing the "change the definition of 'real' to one which I can flame about" game. Besides, if we _were_ all lying in order to deceive people into playing with us (so we could then abuse them), we would be doing ourselves a massive disservice by educating people about consent and about negotiation--knowledge which would serve to protect people from us! You'll need to judge whether we mean what we say about the importance of consent. A frequently heard acronym on a.s.b is "YKINOK"--which stands for "Your Kink Is Not OK." a.s.b is largely composed of postings by people whose sexual practices are considered unhealthy or at least weird by many others. We recognize here that different people really do have different sexualities, and different preferences. Hence, we try to avoid blanket statements such as "Behavior X is WRONG!" or "Behavior X is NOT OK!" or more generally, "_Your_ kink is NOT OK!" We would instead say, "Your kink would not be OK _for me_. Here are some of the risks I see in that kink. How do you deal with them?" From that point, discussion and education can flow, as they cannot from a flat YKINOK. (And conversely, we don't say, "Your kink IS OK!"--since there are almost _no_ behaviors that _everyone_ enjoys. The OK-ness of consensual practices is, and must be, determined on an _individual_ basis.) Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 10 August 1995 ======================================================================= *19. What is it about leather/latex/high heels/corsets/other fetishes?* All these things--erotic clothing or objects of whatever type--are "fetishes". A fetish is any object which has sexual connotations for you. If it makes you feel sexy to wear it, or to see it on someone else, it's a fetish. There's nothing wrong with having fetishes; in fact, it's a rare person who _doesn't_ have any! Some people are turned on by armpits; some by painted toenails; some by good old lingerie. The techniques of negotiation and communication that I've already talked about can also come in handy in exploring your particular fetishes, whatever they are. Leather is one of the most basic fetishes in the scene. Leather skirts, leather chaps, leather harnesses, leather cuffs, on and on. Likewise for latex. Much of the appeal of these two substances, it seems to me, is in their tightness and their shininess; clothes made out of them enhance your awareness of your sensual self, and restraints made out of them can cling like a second skin. In general, leather and latex are two really big categories of fetish--and a fetish is defined as something that turns some people on; if you have to ask, you probably won't understand! Leather clothes absorb fluids; don't get them wet. Plain water will damage the leather; blood or other bodily fluids will also leave their scent in the leather. You can use saddle soap and water to clean your leather, and neats-foot oil to keep it supple and in good condition. Latex doesn't absorb water-based fluids, but oils will damage it, and prolonged exposure to sunlight will cause it to break down. When putting your latex on, apply lots of talc to yourself and to the insides of your latex; this will make it easy to slide it on. Don't pull the latex with your nails, or it'll rip; likewise make sure you cut your toenails before putting on latex stockings. After removing latex clothes, wash them with water to remove oils, then dry them (and some say powder them) for storage. There are also PVC clothes ("wetlook" clothes), which are usually black, shiny, and stretchy. PVC is basically plastic-coated fabric, and is washable, as well as relatively inexpensive. Of course, good old lingerie can be very arousing indeed. It's often true that a little clothing is even sexier than none at all. Erotic costumes and attire can add a lot of spark to a scene; they can set the stage like nothing else. The mind is the biggest erogenous zone, and role-playing and mock acting can be very very hot. whether combined with any other elements of SM, or not. As for corsets and high heels: they're both restrictive garments that enhance the curves of the body, and that work really well as part of SM play--they can enhance the domineering tread of a mistress or hobble the steps of a slave. They are some of the classic fetish items. High enough heels can make it altogether impossible to walk, which can be very sexy! Corsets, properly applied, can dramatically change the shape of your body, while intensifying sensation through- out. And corsets and high heels, like any fetish, can be combined with many many different kinds of scenes. Other fetishes: dirty jockstraps, boxer shorts on women, formal clothes on men, cowboy gear, uniforms (police/military/what-have-you), nurses' outfits, harem girl attire... the list goes on and on. If it turns you on to wear it or to see your partner wearing it, why not make it part of a scene? (A button I heard about recently: "Are you into casual sex... or should I dress up?") In general with fetishes, anything goes! If you find yourself becoming more involved with a fetish than you want to be, then you can take steps to look at your behavior and determine if you want to change it. But if you like it, and your partner likes it (or likes that you like it), and if it's consensual all around, then go for it! And if you like fetish clothing, check out the alt.sex.fetish.fashion newsgroup--it's young, but it's growing.... Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 10 August 1995 ======================================================================= *20. What about shaving body hair and/or crossdressing?* Another fetish many people have is smooth skin, with no body hair. Shaven skin is silky soft, completely and utterly naked, and very vulnerable. Shaven legs, armpits, or genitals can feel very different indeed than hairy ones... and since the name of the game is sensation, naturally shaving and SM can go together! Since shaving is conventionally a female activity, it carries an added charge when men are shaved. It can be at once humiliating and enormously arousing. Many men enjoy shaving themselves in order to play with cross-dressing (dressing as a woman); hence I mention these two topics together. Shaving first. How to shave? Consider showering, or taking a bath, first; it softens the skin and the hair. Use a sharp razor and a bowl of hot water; splash water over your leg (or wherever) and lather with shaving cream. Then shave _with_ the direction of the hair (i.e. shave down the leg towards the ankle, or shave from the navel towards the crotch); going against the direction of the hair can lead to ingrown hairs when it starts to grow back. Shave with short strokes, dipping the razor frequently in the bowl to remove the hair. If you shave only seldom, you may go through a couple of razor blades doing your legs alone. Don't press too hard (to avoid razor burn). Some people who shave infrequently use an electric razor first to remove most of the hair, then a hand razor for the remainder and on the sensitive areas. (Electric razors tend to pull hair, and they are most annoying on genitals.) Some people swear by waxing (using sticky wax to pull hair out) or by other non-shaving methods of hair removal; to each their own. Shaving can be part of a scene; I've seen many gay-male SM movies with big male tops forcibly shaving their prisoners, and I've also seen dominatrixes washing then shaving their bottom's asses. (It's hard to reach back there yourself, and being bound while a razor GENTLY strokes your most sensitive region is... well... VERY intense!) Then once they're shaven, you can go on to all sorts of other fun. About crossdressing: many men enjoy dressing in female clothes, either because the clothes feel good, look good, or are humiliating to wear. Whatever the reason, there's no doubt that lots of people enjoy this sort of thing. Makeup is often part of this sort of play, as well. Many women also enjoy dressing up as men; switching gender roles can open up a vast range of possibilities. Some people call this "genderfuck"--i.e. fucking with one's perceptions of gender, or fucking someone who's assuming a different gender, or both. There is a spectrum of attitudes among those who play like this. Some just enjoy wearing opposite-sex clothes because they feel nice. Some fantasize about actually being a person of the opposite sex, and use those fantasies in their scenes. Some people want to take it to the point of going out in public dressed as, and acting like, the other gender so accurately that they pass--i.e. are mistaken for the gender that they're assuming. They may find doing this enjoyable because of the fun in faking people out, and/or the thrill of successfully transforming oneself into one's fantasy image. Some people actually feel that their biological sex is fundamentally at odds with the gender they feel themselves to be. They may feel like a man who happened to be born with a woman's body, or vice versa. These people are known as transsexuals, and may have operations to change their bodies and genitals to more closely correspond to the gender they most identify with. Transsexuals are still very widely stigmatized; it is not easy to live in this very gender-based and sex-role-oriented society if you don't conform to the standard pattern, and transsexuals definitely do not. And while many of the kinds of genderfuck I mentioned are "play", transsexuals are not playing; their gender identity is a vitally serious issue to them. (Though when they _want_ to play, there are few people who know more about it :-) It's important to realize that these groups of people are distinct; just because a man enjoys wearing panties underneath his business suit does not mean he has any desire to get a sex change operation. As with all aspects of human sexuality, gender and gender play encompasses a wide array of levels, and honest communication is the only way to know what a particular person is into. Gender play can be combined with all the other things in this list to create some extraordinarily powerful sex magick. As always, listen to your desires, decide how much you actually want to make real (and how quickly), communicate, and play! Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 10 August 1995 ======================================================================= *21. Why am I defending SM?* One of the problems with SM is the social programming against it. Our culture isn't used to the idea that sex is fun and pushing one's limits in search of pleasure is a damned enjoyable thing to do. Moreover, there are many people who confuse fantasy and reality where SM is concerned, and who think that SM players do likewise. In this FAQ posting I have attempted to explain the ways I and my friends feel about SM. I am doing this because I used to know very little about SM; I only knew I was interested. Through s.s.b-b and lots of new friends and LOTS of wonderful experiences, I learned. My life has been enriched and my relationships deepened and strengthened by my experience with SM. Now I want to describe all that in as open and frank a manner as I know how. If you believe SM is sick or disgusting, that is your prerogative. This FAQ makes clear how it is not generally unhealthy to its practitioners; it is up to you whether you accept this information or not. You do not, however, have the right to stifle or censor those who would discuss this aspect of themselves, because of your personal opinion about their practices. If you don't think you'd like it, that's more than fine with me; I would just ask that you be open to what the SM community may have to teach about consensuality, negotiation, safety, and exploration. When I first started fantasizing about SM-related activities I was very young indeed--under ten years old. I don't know where these aspects of my sexuality came from; certainly not from my family. But when I started learning about SM, I was first excited that there were others out there who enjoy these things, and then depressed that there is lots of wrong and harmful information out there about SM people and what we do. This FAQ list is my attempt to help spread some better information, in the hopes that the more everyone knows about what SM really is (and what it is not), the harder it will be for people to use twisted facts to condemn others because of their sexuality. Also, there are things I'm describing that I don't enjoy (at least not yet :-) This is not the FAQ List of the Gods, so don't take it as such; listen to what I say and draw your own conclusions. And fer pete's sake, post to soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm with your questions and thoughts and fantasies and dreams; the blood of s.s.b-b is always freshened by new posters! (It helps distract us from the flame wars!) Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 115 Decust 1995 ======================================================================= *22. Is SM degrading or abusive? Were most SM people abused?* Often people approach SM with nothing but negative stereotypes in their mind. The will-less slave dominated by the overbearing thoughtless master. The pervert who enjoys being hit because he thinks he deserves no better. These images, negatively charged with connotations of abuse, do not reflect the reality of consensual SM. First, were SM people abused as children? This is a common stereotype. Straw polls of people on s.s.b-b seem to indicate no particular pattern of abuse, and there have been very few, if any, scientific studies of the question. Some people see an increased correlation, but there is little actual evidence. This stereotype is usually just _assumed_ to be true, as an expression of SM-negativity--"Oh, anyone who likes that must have been really damaged as a kid." Similar claims were once widely made about homosexuals and homosexuality. (As one data point, I personally wasn't abused as a child, for which I'm grateful. And I'm very into various aspects of SM, for which I'm also grateful.) In general, in fact, no one seems to have any idea of why some people enjoy SM behaviors or fantasies, and others don't. Rather like no one really knows what determines sexual orientation, or preferred body type, or much of anything else where human sexuality is concerned. The notion of a "normal" sexuality is widely overrated... the range of variations is incredible. Once you actually look at people who are involved in SM, and at what they do, you realize that what is actually happening is a powerful expression of love, which expands into sensual realms outside the ordinary. True SM is consensual, strengthening, and sustaining; true degradation is _not_. Therein lies the difference, and it is truly an all-important difference. Occasional debates on s.s.b-b revolve around the (relatively few) people who practice full-time dominant/submissive relationships. Such relationships require lots of self-inquiry and self-examination to see that both partners are benefiting and growing. Sometimes the claim is made that such BDSM relationships are just ways for the dominant to break down their submissive's will, and to accept abuse because the submissive (according to the dominant, and perhaps also in the submissive's own opinion) deserves no better. (This is essentially what a wife-battering husband does: he takes control of his wife's self-perception, and convinces her that the abuse is the necessary price to be paid for her to remain with him; it is no more than her due. And moreover, she is not to complain.) This kind of relationship is _not_ a consensual BDSM relationship; the dominant in a consensual relationship listens to and respects the limits of their bottom, and does not seek to break down the bottom's personality, but rather to build it up through the kind of relationship that both enjoy and desire. Such relationships almost always contain an "escape clause," such that if the bottom is truly feeling deprived or abused, the bottom can ask to set the roles aside and talk with the top as equals. (In other words, a relationship safeword.) Such concern for clear communication when things don't go well (as well as when they do) is the hallmark of a healthy BDSM relationship. And every text I have read about long-term BDSM relationships stresses the importance of emotional safety issues. (As I mentioned previously, people who have issues around their sense of self should be aware that SM is potentially risky in that area. Of course, _any_ relationship is potentially risky for such people....) Doing SM as part of a mutual, consensual relationship can be enormously affirming. SM can be a way to give yourself to your lover more deeply than you ever thought you could, and can give outlet to fantasies you never imagined could come true. This kind of active, dynamic self-expression can give a tremendous boost to the self-esteem and the psychological well-being of both partners. Getting what you want out of your sex life may not be a cure-all, but it can sure help a lot. I recommend the book _Ties that Bind_, listed at the end of the FAQ, to people exploring these issues. (Some call all this doubletalk, denying that _anyone_ could ever _really_ benefit from submitting to a lover whom they trust. All I can say to that is, my personal experience is far otherwise, as is that of many of my friends, and many professional therapists acknowledge that it's quite possible for a submissive in a consensual relationship to be very psychologically healthy. Decide for yourselves whether we are to be believed.) Another root of the negative stereotypes is simple aversion to sexuality in general. The concepts of "limits" and "negotiation" are inherently revolutionary, in a world where many people can't bring themselves to talk about _anything_ related to sex. Yet without understanding these concepts, it's hard to understand SM. Everyone who first looks at SM needs to do some amount of pushing past their prejudices; for some it's harder than for others. Some people wonder how women into SM can consider themselves feminists. Isn't feminism about controlling your sexuality, about not submitting to anyone else, ever? Personally, I believe (and _many_ women on s.s.b-b agree) that feminism is about empowering women to make their _own_ choices, to live life their own way, without being limited by ideas about what women "should" do or how they "ought" to behave. And in that light, it makes little difference whether the limiting ideas are those of the patriarchal CEO or the "radical feminist" criticizing SM in _Ms._ magazine; both the CEO and the writer are attacking womens' right to do as _they_ choose. At this point I want to include some material sent out by the Leather/Fetish Celebration committee about abuse in the SM community. This is valuable stuff for anyone interested in distinguishing consensual SM from abuse; while no list of questions can substitute for personal inquiry and knowledge of the people involved, this list is at least thought-provoking. (There is no consent-o-meter to determine whether someone is consenting to SM behavior; the best we poor humans can do is look at situations on a case-by-case basis.) Thanks, Leonard. The Celebration Wants You to Know About... Domestic Violence in the S/M Community Domestic violence is not the same as consensual s/m. Yet, abusive relationships do exist within the leather-s/m community, as with all groups. Unfortunately, due to our sexual orientation, abused persons who are into s/m may suffer additional isolation and may hesitate to turn to available resources for fear of rejection or of giving credence to stereotypes. No group is free of domestic battering; but fear, denial, and lack of knowledge have slowed public response to this serious social problem. Domestic violence is not restricted to one particular group within the s/m community. A person's size, gender, or particular sex role (top-bottom, butch-femme) is irrelevant; anyone can be subject to abuse. Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over time. It is a pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of dominating, coercing, or isolating another without her or his consent. Because of the intimidation factor, where there is abuse in any part of the relationship, there can be no consent. Defining the Problem: The following questions can help a person to define the problem, which can have characteristics that are physical, sexual, economic, and psychological. Does your partner ever hit, choke, or otherwise physically hurt you outside of a scene? Has she or he ever restrained you against your will, locked you in a room, or used a weapon of any kind? Are you afraid of your partner? Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends? Rape and forced sexual acts are not part of consensual s/m. Battering is not something that can be "agreed" upon; there is an absence of safe words or understandings. Has she or he ever violated your limits? Do you feel trapped in a specific role as either the top or bottom? Does your partner constantly criticize your performance, withhold sex as a means of control, or ridicule you for the limits you set? Do you feel obligated to have sex? Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident? Does your partner isolate you from friends, family, or groups? Has your partner ever destroyed objects or threatened pets? Has your partner abused or threatened your children? Does your partner limit access to work or material resources? Has he or she ever stolen from you or run up debts? Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another? Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close? Is your partner constantly criticizing you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self-esteem? Does your partner use scenes to express/cover up anger and frustration? Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you? No one has the right to abuse you. You are not responsible for the violence. You are not alone; connect with other survivors. There are reasons for staying in abusive relations: fear of (or feelings for) the abuser, and lack of economic or emotional resources. If you stay, help is still available. Find out about shelters, support groups, counselors, anti-violence programs, and crisis lines in your area; ask a friend to help you make these calls. Plan a strategy if you have to leave quickly. Line up friends and family in case of an emergency. Battering is a crime. Find out about your legal rights and options. You can get the court to order the person to stop hurting you through an Order for Protection or Harassment Restraining Order. You do not need a lawyer. We Can Reduce Domestic Violence: Domestic violence does exist in the s/m-leather-fetish community. We can make it clear that we will listen to those who have the courage to speak out. Understand that leaving is difficult. Let the person make his or her own choices. Keep all information confidential. Encourage survivors to take legal action and seek support. Help find safe housing and legal advocacy. Hold batterers accountable and urge them to seek treatment. Deny that drug or alcohol use can excuse battering. Support changes in that person's behavior. Leather groups in our community are crucial to reducing domestic violence. Invite knowledgeable speakers; lead discussions; print up a list for members of what resources in your area are s/m-supportive. Educate your local legal and social service system about our lifestyle; encourage their appropriate intervention. Safe Link is a clearinghouse for materials and questions about domestic violence, specifically for persons who are into leather, s/m, or fetish sexuality. It offers a list of readings and is currently compiling a roster of supportive speakers, shelters, and therapists, and information on understanding and using the law. Write to Safe Link c/o the Domestic Violence Education Project, National Leather Association, 548 Castro Street #444, San Francisco, CA 94114; or call the NLA at 415/863-2444, or email nlaintl@netcom.com Posted by ixion@dorsai.dorsai.org, from the program of the Int'l S/M-Leather-Fetish Celebration; Text provided by Jan Hall. The Celebration specifically authorizes and encourages the reproduction and redistribution of this information. Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 10 August 1995 ======================================================================= Thanks for reading! Hope you learned something! Remember, your sexuality is wonderful; treasure it and nourish it! Created 10 August 1995, last updated 2 15 Dec 1999, and copyright {http://www.unrealities.com/adult/copyrite.htm} by Johnson Grey {johnson_grey@unrealities.com}.